Resentment...Yep, There It Is

Day THIRTY

My knee, my knee, my knee.  Throughout this challenge, my right knee seemd to be on the mend.  I did not feel any pain and slowly but surely, I was going deeper into poses that I couldn't even do when I first started this yoga:  all parts of awkward; toe stand; fixed firm, sitting Japanese style in half tortoise, rabbit, final breathing.

Last night in final breathing, I could not sit Japanese style after the first set.  I had to cross my legs.  Today, my knee felt the old tightness and full of pressure from within.  The first set of awkward was painful and served as a litmus test for my knees for this class. As lynxofsilver once described her knees, they whined.  I couldn't put all my weight on toe stand and by the first set of half tortoise, I could feel myself favoring my left side by putting all my weight on it.  Somehow, my knee righted itself in the second set and the rest of class.  After class, it spasm after an hour of sitting.  And walking right now, it feels tight and totally uncomfortable.  GOOD TIMES!!!

Admittedly, it is a depressing to come such a long way with no pain and suddenly, it comes back out of nowhere.  I thought my knee was healing!!!  Argh!!!!!  I am really annoyed.  And of course, my mind goes nuts.  Maybe it's because you skipped a day.  You should've kept going.  Nothing else is different except the one day you didn't go.  It's all your fault that your knees are in pain.  They hurt because you missed.  Isn't the mind an amazing thing?  How did I go from re-experiencing knee pain to it being my fault?

I go back to missing that one day.  I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself but I am.  I know it is stupid of me to think of yoga over my sick mom who needed me more.  And even more so, I feel so embarrassed and guilty that I actually did think this way.  Thanks to 20/20 hindsight, I feel a new emotion:  resentment.  I know my mother well enough to know that her health issue was not major when she called on Thursday night.  She did not need to go to the ER for goodness sakes woman!  All she needed to do was calm down.  Easier said than done for someone who doesn't suffer from anxiety and catastrophic thinking.  I've learned the signs of a panic attack.  I've learned the irrationality of her fears and the inability to assuage them myself.  I could've taken 90 minutes to go to yoga before returning to the hospital.  I wanted to take care of myself first on Friday but instead, I chose to give it all up for someone else.  I wish I did take care of me.  Deep down, I am resentful at her for being so needy and even more so, I am angry at myself for making the decision to completely give into her neediness.  I should've known!  How could I fall for this again?!  Why did I choose to listen to her?!  The resentment is there even though it is just a kernel.  Several years of therapy has helped reduce that resentment to what it is now.  Formerly, it was a massive, pulsing ball of RAGE. 

Days 30-60 are to be emotional, healing, eh?  What a way to start these next 30 days.  There are still so many emotions and issues buried deep inside me.  The recurring one still exists:  resentment at mom for being who she is -- panicky, anxious, emotional, and irrational.  She is so many other wonderful things:  independent, strong, and accomplished.  She is such a different person when she caves into her irrational fear and I become a different person too in response to her.  I lose all compassion.  That is a tough thing to say when you are talking about your own mother.