Ch-ch-ch-changes!

Day THIRTY TWO

A teacher with a good sense of humor really makes a difference!  6pm with Ben was a class where things just flowed.  He has a way of teaching that makes everything flow.  The way he delivers dialogue, the way we transition from one posture to the next or between sets.  It's really nice.  He often doesn't say "change" so taking Ben's class means you really have to listen.

My knee was still expressing itself and the last two parts of awkward was just not happening for me today.  Tightness abounded still and in final breathing, the tightness finally released as I sat Japanese style.  The one improvement was toe stand, right side.  I was able to get myself upright in this pose whereas these last two days, I couldn't even get myself to fully bend my knee and lift my heel off the floor. 

Despite the creaky painful knee, class today was energizing and smooth and strong.  Pranayama felt so great, I could've gone on doing it forever.  I nailed it on both sides of standing forehead to knee both freakin' sets!  I couldn't believe it!!!  I've never done that before.  ThedancingJ's post on creating a cramp in the kicking leg really helped improve this posture for me.  I heard it in the dialogue, for sure, but I think I kinda ignored it because it sounded counter-intuitive.  But after reading J's explanation, which reminded me of the fact that this entire yoga is counter-intuitive, it made a whole lot of sense.  Thank you again J for your tremendous insight!  I cannot wait till I take a class you are teaching.  :)

Before class, I hugged my right leg close to my chest and kissed my right knee a few times.  I talked to it, asked it for forgiveness, and promised I wouldn't judge it no matter what it decided to do in class today.  I was going to be compassionate towards myself especially as major life changes loom imminently on the horizon.  

I'm going to own my first house.  My mother is going to live directly above us in the upper apartment while we live in the lower apartment.  I'm going to have to pack up and move out of this apartment I've lived in for 8 years.  I'm going to commute longer to work and longer to yoga which means waking up earlier which in turn means sleeping earlier which ultimately means having less time.  I'm going to move to a more suburban neighborhood that is quieter and does not have the conveniences compared to my neighborhood now.  Our household budget will change thanks to a mortgage and the likelihood of purchasing a car.  Belts need to be tightened.  Dinners out, theater tickets, and shopping for clothes will all be a luxury.  Wait a minute?  I asked for this?!  I signed up to mow the lawn and rake the leaves and repair myself all the things that break in the house????

I was never one who feared changed.  In fact, I used to revel in it in my 20s...so much so that I think I was running away from something back then.  In my 30s, I settled down.  I became more comfortable in my own skin.  And I actually began to want to put down some roots. Change is still not scary to me.  Although I'll admit, I'm beginning to find it inconvenient.  It's amazing how living in the same place for 8 years can really cause serious inertia.  As thedancingJ wrote:

Change is always uncomfortable, and often painful.  It's so much easier to stay the way we are.  Stay in the same posture.  Stay in the same job, the same relationship, the same apartment, the same city.  It's easier that way.  But in yoga, we practice moving into discomfort, and we find out that it's not such a scary place after all.  (You thought it was going to hurt, but instead it made your body feel better.)

In other words, we learn courage.

As I type, I acknowledge the silence before the storm of change arrives.  I will bring what I have learned in the sweat box to my life and remember those instances when camel brought forth nausea.  With breath, compassion, and determination, I will be fine amidst the chaos and the discomfort.  I will weather through this change step by step...or as thedancingJ put it, "One Standing-Head-toKnee at a time."