Guest Blogger at Bikram101 Blog

Day 79

Hi everyone!
I wrote a post for the Bikram 101 blog, which you can find here. Stop by, look around.  Enjoy.

My life is insane but my daily practice has kept me grounded.  I am so grateful.  I miss you all and I promise, when things aren't crazy, I'll be back to blogging...but probably after this challenge is over.

I'm proud of all of us as we get closer to the finish line!  I'm happy we did this all together.  Namaste!

What I've Learned So Far

Days FORTY ONE to FIFTY

Well friends, so much can happen in 9 days that it amazes me to think how much can and will happen in the remaining 51 days of this challenge.  Let's see where to begin...

Comments on my practice:
My right knee no longer feels pain.  Once in a while, my left knee feels like I applied icy hot to it after some classes.  I feel strength in my quadriceps in a way I've never felt before.  All parts of awkward are strong and I'm even managing to kick my heels up even higher in the 2nd part.  The right knee feels strong.  I am so happy.

I always seem to lose the 10-fingered bikram grip especially in standing forehead to knee.  Otto called me out and instructed me to keep the heels of my hands together.  It worked for the second set in standing forehead to knee, I nailed it with a firm grip.  Three days later, he saw me losing my grip again and called me out again by saying, "Same thing as the other day my lady...you're losing your grip.  You gotta break that bad habit."  I haven't taken a class with Otto in months and this week, I've taken three.  He has greatly improved as a teacher and for that I am grateful.

Out of nowhere, an emotional release occurred after the first set of camel in Corrine's class.  I sobbed and my chest heaved.  My neighbors could see I was bawling but I didn't care.  For second set, I stayed in savasana while others did the sit up but during the set up, I heard Corinne prod me in her firm but gentle way, "ActionJoJo, second set.  You'll feel better, yeah?"  When a teacher...especially of Corrine's caliber, asks you to do something, you do it.  I did it because I trusted her even when I couldn't find the strength in me to trust and believe in myself.  In the second set, all I could do was kneel and put my hands to the back of my hips and push forward.  I was still bawling.  It was a powerful moment for me as I reaffirmed the important fact that I need to allow others to help me.  I can't do everything on my own, as I tend to like to do thanks to  my superwoman-complex (more on that later).

I feel more acutely and can physically see in the mirror, the imbalance between the right and left side of my body.  My right is tighter and therefore, shorter in the mirror.  I see it prominently when I sit Japanese style to set up for locust and rabbit, and in final breathing.  The amount of skin between the bottom of my shakti top and the top of my shakti bottom is less on the right than on the left.  Crazy!  I hope these next 50 days will help in balancing me out. 

My spine is changing and I can feel it.  My spine cracks when I straighten up in half moon, both sides.  My lower back cracks and then slowly releases as I set up for the first set of standing forehead to knee.  I am entering a new phase in the spine strengthening series.  In rabbit, when I start to pull on my heels, I can feel my spine cracking and realigning itself.  I now am beginning to fully grasp why Bikram says, "You don't have to chase the chiropractor, chiropractor will come to you!"  When I look in the mirror these days, I don't recognize my back.  My thoracic spine has become more prominent and I see a slight curvature in my upper back whereas it was quite flat in the past. 

Update on Life:
We signed a contract on the house and this last week has been spent negotiating with banks to find the best deal on a mortgage and the lowest closing fees.  We admittedly lost sight of the fact that we needed to plunk down another $20,000 on closing costs in addition to the money we set aside for the downpayment.  It definitely freaked The Husband out, which led him to asking what else have we've forgotten to budget for.  Thankfully, The Husband is focusing on this part of the process:  finding the mortgage, dealing with the lawyers, and reading the fine print.  I dealt with the front end of this process by contacting the realtors so I feel we have divided the task of home buying that plays up to our strengths.  In fact, he negotiated so well that today, we got a bank to agree to lock in an interest rate of 4.75%!  Woot!!!!  Now we go through the application process and sometime in the next 4-6 weeks, we close.  That means we move, which means we pack!  Acccccccccck!

I am up to my ears with work.  I come in to the office and there are piles on my desk.  I leave and there are old piles and new piles on my desk.  I am grateful to have a temp helping me who is smart, quick, and self-sufficient.  I am planning for our upcoming board meeting and planning for my own three week business trip to South Africa in mid-April through early May.  Regardless of when we move, April is going to be mad mad crazy. 

The Olympic athletes have inspired me to re-visit the bigger question of what it is that I want to do in my life, a life full of passion and fulfillment.  There's something stirring in my heart...yearning to accomplish what I dream about in my career:  one that involves travel and being in front of the TV.  But how am I to fulfill this dream now that I have a mortgage?!  Am I stuck now that I have such adult responsibilities?  When is this career shift going to happen?  We need to renovate the house:  where are we going to find the time?  the money?  How about expanding our family -- when will we start?  HOW AM I GOING TO GET ALL THIS DONE?  HOW?!  HOW?!  HOW?!

Without this challenge, I think my mind would have been spinning its wheels worrying about how to accomplish all the goals in my life during this huge period of transition.  But these last 50 days have shown me that like my body, my life will open up and unfold at precisely the right time.  Everything will fall into place and when they do, I will be ready to embrace them.  All I can do and all that I can be responsible for is today.  Yes, I can dream of the future but I can only focus on the task at hand.  Like our challenge, if we focus on accomplishing 101 days of straight yoga, it could paralyze us.  But we take it one day at a time and the challenge becomes manageable and less daunting.  Similarly, my body was not ready to have my forehead touch my knee on day #1 but with patience, surrender, and hard work, I am starting to do it on day #50.


So what I'm saying is that despite the craziness, the unknowns, the doubt, and yes, the fear, I have hung on to my faith.  I am teaching myself patience and surrender despite my Aries tendencies of craving instant gratification. I can happily say that I feel peace and contentment and believe in my core that all will work out:  a beautiful marriage, an expanded family, a renovated home, a fulfilling career, and a passion-filled life.  All the pieces will fall into place and I really don't need to know how.  I just need to work one day at a time, trying to fulfill my dream in the best way I know how. 

I'm surprisingly okay with that.


For the purposes of my own record keeping, day:

• #41 Thurs, Feb 18 - 7 am w/ Danielle - class was uneventful
• #42 Fri, Feb 19 - 5:30 pm w/ Corinne - bawled during camel - great release
• #43 Sat, Feb 20 - 10 am w/ Caroline - "In this yoga, you should struggle, not suffer." - Felt light afterward
• #44 Sun, Feb 21 - 4:30 pm w/ Mark - first time taking his class...I enjoy the cadence of his dialogue and his NY Italian-American accent.  He sounds like he is singing!
• #45 Mon, Feb 22 - 6:30 pm w/ Mark - super juicy - if I wasn't in the front row, I would've taken a knee - but pushed myself...I think I was acting too proud in front of my fellow yogis.  Half a$$ed some sets in the spine strengthening series. 
• #46 Tues, Feb 23 - 6:00 pm w/ Otto - strong forehead to knee thanks to a correction in order to  maintai the classic bikram grip; "Vera Wang, Vera Wang!" Otto yelled during tree pose.  He later explained, "Act as if you are wearing a Vera Wang gown, all $10,000 of it.  Proud.  Chest up, stomach in!"  LOL -- I'll never look at tree pose the same way again.
• #47 Wed, Feb 24 - 5:30 pm w/ Otto - mind was like jelly today & had to sit out one set of separate leg stretching and balancing stick.  It also probably didn't help that I had a pastrami sandwich & french fries (which I never eat) for lunch; they sat like a stone in my stomach
• #48 Thurs, Feb 25 - 6 pm w/ Becca - strong class and felt light afterwards
• #49 Fri, Feb 26 - 5:30 pm w/ Otto - another strong class although there was a moment in pranayama when the women next to me where holding back giggles from something Otto said and I was getting affected.  Found myself inhaling and giggling and exhaling and giggling at the same time. LOLOL
• #50 Sat, Feb 27 - 4:30pm w/ Alina - drenched by pranayama but stayed strong

Brought the Office with Me

Day THIRTEEN

My day was going well until 4:55pm when a colleague decided to confront me, very upset at something that I had done. The act that I did made her feel very threatened while I thought I was just doing my job. By 6pm yoga with Danielle, I couldn't shake off what happened an hour before. I felt unsettled and as a result, my mind replayed the conversation, asked questions, got defensive, and a whole range of emotions. I had trouble balancing on one leg and kept falling out of standing forehead to knee and standing bow. Although my mind settled a bit more by cobra, the aftertaste of the bad experience lingered. By spinal twist, I was exhausted both physically and mentally. I was so tired that I didn't even have the energy to be upset with myself for letting this get in the way of my practice. After class, this unsettled feeling had dulled greatly although it did not completely disappear.

After talking about my day with The Husband over a sushi dinner (I felt I needed to treat myself), I wasn't bothered by it anymore. I'm not going to own someone else's insecurity and anxiety. I will have a very matter-of-fact discussion with my colleague tomorrow to clarify my side of the story and I will try to be compassionate about where she's coming from. That's it. I'm not giving this any more time because I've already let it bother me more than necessary!

Pampering

Day TEN

Hooray, I'm in the double digits of this challenge and I echo ahappyyogi's recent sentiment about 9 more batches of 10 classes and the challenge will be complete!  I am celebrating!

I've been feeling a little down lately and so I decided to cheer myself up by getting a manicure and a pedicure.  When you get a pedicure at Pema Nails, they do a salt scrub for your legs (up to your knees), pumice (or use a blade if you prefer) your feet, massage in lotion for your legs, and finish the process with a hotel towel on your legs.  It's lovely especially since the ladies here don't rush you and my legs have been massaged for a good 10 minutes sometimes.  I guess there are benefits to being a regular customer.  Btw, did I mention a manicure and a pedicure is $17!!!!  I love living in NYC.  :)

That was at noon.  I had to really drag my a$$ to bikram today.  I just didn't have the desire and that's when the doubts came rushing in.   

You're only at day 9 and you feel totally unmotivated.  
You're never going to complete this challenge.  
You?  Do bikram every day for the next 92 days?  
These last few days have felt like forever.  There's no way you are going to do 92 straight more days.

I tried to push these doubts away and said to myself, "Just get to the hot room.  Just get to the hot room."  Several minutes before I left the house, I remembered to wash the lotion off my legs from my pedicure and arms from my manicure or else suffer a supper slippery class especially at standing bow pulling pose.  You know you do bikram when...

I took the 4:30pm with Caroline at my neighborhood studio and set my mat up to the left side of the room, next to a pillar.  Today, I just needed a little separation from most of the students and this sport was perfect.  It also happened that I was standing in front of an exit door and by the time we got to the floor series, I felt the draft on my face seeping in from underneath the door.  It was nice in the beginning but after a while, I wished it wasn't there, which must mean I am feeling closer to regaining 100% of my health (I usually like it juicy!!!).  Didn't cough as much and didn't need to blow my nose during class -- all good signs that I am on the mend.

I am feeling a soreness in my right quad and there is a pinch that I feel in my lower back, on the right side that I just noticed today.  The pinch became more acute during backbends.  I have also noticed that every time I take a class with Caroline and we are in cobra pose, she always calls me out to lift my chest and go higher.  And every time I try, I feel an incredible stretching in the front of my neck to the point that it is uncomfortable.  And the pinch in my lower back today did not help my cobra.  I wonder.  Have I just been hanging out in cobra?!?!???!!!!  I didn't think so but maybe I was wrong.

I am making great improvements in awkward, toe stand right side, and fixed firm thanks to the healing I feel in my right knee.  My sit ups are stronger and I am working on trying to keep my chin to my chest, my arms by my ears, and get my elbows to the floor when we exhale twice.  And slowly but surely, I feel my upper back opening up in rabbit.  I struggle with all the compression postures, never being able to get my forehead exactly to my knee thanks to my long torso.  I am really working on keeping my chin to my chest and sucking sucking sucking in the belly.  Oh, the joys of a super flat upper back!

Today, as we celebrate the legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, I always take a moment to remember those who work for social justice especially for the vast majority of people who don't make it to the news but are recognized by the people who benefit from their tireless commitment.  I especially remember the people of Haiti and the relief workers who are trying to help all those who are suffering in the country.  I remember our practice and how we learn compassion for ourselves and in turn, we learn compassion for others.  We take the energy we get in that hot room and we spread it to those around us, making our lives and the lives of others just a little better.

Focus Focus Focus

Team Conan!!!!  

Good for you for standing up to those inept NBC execs!

Day FOUR

Took the 6:30 evening class at my neighborhood studio with a teacher whose name I can't remember but I know it starts with a "C".  I think she is newbie teacher because I used to see her practicing at my regular studio and then I didn't see her for weeks, and now here she is at my neighborhood studio.

What I love about practicing in NYC is that my bikram teachers hail from all over the country and the world.  I've got teachers from Dallas, Seattle, the Philippines, Japan, Ecuador, India, and Eastern Europe.  It is so cool to hear the bikram dialogue spoken in English with accents from all over the world and even from near by (Jewish, Long Island, Bronx, and Brooklyn accents abound in one particular studio).  Yes, think Fran Drescher delivering dialogue).  Admittedly, there are some teachers who are difficult to understand like one teacher who said, "poin-yee-toe" during locust.  By the second set, I finally figured out that she was saying, "point your toe."  We do our best to listen because they do their best to teach.

Today, I stood in the juicy part of the room but close to the door.  I don't think I'll pick that spot again since I like to take a loooooong final savasana.  It is hard to bliss out in final savasana when people are walking by my head and feet to exit and the door is opening and closing, letting cold air in.

I am still getting used to the rules and vibe of this new studio.  It seems that people are allowed to leave the room and come back at any time.  People are allowed to drink water at any time, in between sets and even before "party time".  If the following scenario happened at my regular studio, the teacher would tell the student to sit down and stay in the room.  If a student absolutely had to leave the room, the teacher would signal them back but only between sets.  And absolutely no water during party time, no water between sets, no dousing yourself with water to cool off (One teacher told a student, "You can do that afterward when you shower.") and absolutely no hand towel.

It took TREMENDOUS concentration and focus to set up and stay in standing forehead to knee as a woman walked behind me to leave the room.  When she came back, another woman decided to leave the room!  Whaaaaa?????  She left during the first set of standing bow.  When the door opened, she casually walked back to her spot while many of us were trying to balance on one leg.  But she doesn't know better because the the teacher didn't say anything.  My mantra during those two postures was, "FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS."  If I didn't say that, I would've been saying, "F-you, F-you, F-you," at the woman and the teacher instead.  I chose to hang on to the positive energy even though it was not easy.  I entered the hot room after a hard day at the office.  Something came up and I got angry and frustrated with the situation.  I was moody on the way home and on the way to the studio but the heat and the moving meditation melted the day away.  I wish I could say that after yoga, I maintained my peace but unfortunately, when I recounted the day's events to The Husband over dinner, I got angry all over again. 

"Let no one steal your peace," Bikram says. In the hot room, I was successful.  Outside the hot room, not so much.  I need more practice.

Holding Hands During Take Off

And when I touch you, I feel happy inside

It's such a feeling that my love

I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide

Yeah you, got that something

I think you'll understand

When I say that something

I wanna hold your hand

I wanna hold your hand

I wanna hold your hand

- The Beatles

DAY THREE

Back to work and back to my routine.  Mondays usually start with The Husband and I going to 7am class with Alicia at our regular studio.

I regularly practice in the morning before heading to work in order to ensure I get a class in.  Getting up early for the first time in more than two weeks was brutal.  The first five minutes after the alarm clock rings at 5:45 are always the worst and today was no different.  I did not want to get up and I even tried to get out of it by entertaining the idea of canceling an evening appointment so I could sleep in and take class later.  I determined there was just no way I could get out of the appointment so I had no choice.  I got up.  Believe me, if I wasn't doing this challenge, I would've slept in.  It also really helps to get up with The Husband who practices three times a week

When picking my spot, I usually choose the hotter part of the room and the front row.  Today, I decided to change things up a bit and I practiced right next to The Husband, in the third row and next to the windows,  the cooler part of the room.  I never practiced side-by-side The Husband before.  When he first started, I stood a row in front of him so he could watch me if he got confused or needed clarification.  But I worried about him in the beginning (my proclivity to want to help others to a fault) and I always found myself peeking at him, distracting me from my own practice.  When he got the hang of the postures, I moved to the other side of the room so he was out of my range of vision!

But today was different.  After the class I had yesterday, I wanted to test my focus and concentration again.  I was also curious to see how it would feel to practice in the third row again, like I did when I was a newbie.  Would it give me a new perspective?  Would it teach me humility as Mary Jarvis believes, who makes her teachers practice in the back row at her studio?

I had another solid day today.  Although I generally concentrate more on form and alignment in the morning due usually to less flexibility, I found myself going deeper today than I usually do at 7am.  Again, I was grateful for my body opening.  I took whatever it offered.  Standing in the back was definitely different.  I felt further away from myself. - not good, not bad, just different.  It certainly was harder to look "into" my eyes since I saw just a speck of them.  Instead, I focused gaze on my belly button.  As for humility, I suppose it's easier to learn it when you are behind several rows of people.  Today, we had 9 people in class so I had an unobstructed view of myself.  Jury's still out - will have to get back to you on that one.  And guess what?  I focused completely on me despite standing next to The Husband.  There were times when I felt his frustration and in return, I offered him my energy.

My favorite part of today's class was full locust.  With our arms outstretched, my fingers touched The Husband's. I held on to them as we ascended up, like 747s taking off.  At some point, our fingers untangled but somehow, it made me happy!  Later at dinner, we recounted our day's practice and laughed as we remembered our locust encounter.

When we take plane trips, I always reach for The Husband's hand when the plan accelerates to take off and on the descent.  After 2 years of marriage and 3 years of dating, I am always grateful to have my husband's hand to hold.  I still reach for it when we walk or have dinner or sit in church.  In early December, I went to the Philippines without The Husband.  With no one to reach out to as the plane accelerated on the runway, I looked around at my fellow passengers.  To my immediate right, a wife reached for her husband's hand.  To my left, on the far side of the plane, a husband reached for his wife's hand.  I smiled because I understood the reassuring comfort of holding a loved one's hand in that moment.  Many of us who practice bikram often say that what happens in the sweat box is a metaphor for what happens in our lives.  I felt the beautiful, powerful, reassuring love that I have for my husband today in my practice just by standing next to him.  I surrendered to it and for that, I received a rock-solid practice that provided me such peace and contentment.

Tremendous Focus

Day TWO

Attended the 4:30 class at my local studio and I purposely moved to the hotter part of the room so that I could try a new spot and have a juicy class.  I took the front row again and there were at least 3 newbies.  The teacher, Greg, was a newbie too, who just got back from teacher training.

My body remained opened and it yielded to going deeper and I was grateful despite the various, crumpled Kleenex that lay at the top of my mat by the end of class.

Today took tremendous focus and concentration.

The student directly behind me drank water just after awkward and Greg didn't say anything.  Students were drinking while people were in the postures and in between sets. 

Two rows behind me was a newbie.  The poor thing had had it by the time we finished the first set of balancing stick.  By the time we got to the floor series, she was sitting up and facing away from the class.  And by the time we got to head to knee with stretching pose, she was on her belly and with her arms up as if in surrender.

And there were a lot of fidgeters.

I found myself in the beginning questioning the newbie teacher.  "Why doesn't Greg say something to the girl when she drank water after awkward?  Why doesn't Greg tell the newbie to keep her head above her heart?  Why doesn't Greg do this?  Why doesn't he do that?"  After a million other questions, my mind yelled back at me, "Who the hell is the teacher here, YOU or GREG?  Greg.  Good.  Glad we got that straight.  LET. IT. GO." 

In general, I've always been the kind of person who wants to help, who wants to solve things for others, who wants to carry other people's crosses.  My heart breaks when I watch people suffer.  I've had to learn many times in the hardest of ways that people often need to figure it out for themselves.  A wise friend once advised me about a guy I fell in love with for all the wrong reasons, "You can't save him.  You can only support him."  It took me a year to figure out what she meant, as I walked away from that relationship with a broken heart and shattered self-esteem.

As I learned in life, I could only support the newbie and the drinkers and the fidgeters.  I could only share with them my energy, my focus, and my lightheartedness.  I smiled at myself right before I tucked in my chin in standing forehead to knee.  When I fell backwards out of toe stand, I laughed.  Yeah.  They just had to figure it out for themselves.

Breath is Key

After two days of propping up my sorry self in bed in order to sleep, it never fails to amaze me how much we take our breath for granted until, well, we can't breathe.

Ok, here's another cool etymology lesson!

In Latin, the word anima has several meanings.  It can mean air or breeze.  It means breath.  It also means soul, spirit, life. From anima, we have in English the word "animate", which means to breath life into, to encourage, to give vigor.  In Spanish,  the verb "animar" means to enliven, to cheer up, to brighten up, to encourage, and my favorite, to inspire.

I looked up the word inspire and here's what the online Miriam-Webster dictionary said: 

1 a : to influence, move, or guide by divine or supernatural inspiration b : to exert an animating, enlivening, or exalting influence on inspired by the Romanticists> c : to spur on : impel, motivate d : affect inspired him with nostalgia>
2 a archaic : to breathe or blow into or upon b archaic : to infuse (as life) by breathing
3 a : to communicate to an agent supernaturally b : to draw forth or bring out inspired by a visit to the cathedral>
4 : inhale 1
5 a : bring about, occasion inspired by his travels in the Far East> b : incite
6 : to spread (rumor) by indirect means or through the agency of anotherintransitive verb : inhale

Isn't it amazing that so many of the modern languages ties the breath to life to our soul to the divine in one word?  The ancients understood this connection and when language developed, one word was used to define what today may seem like disparate things.  Sure, we all accept that if we stop breathing, we die.  But do we all accept that our breath is our connection to the truest part of ourselves and to that which surrounds all of us, the divine?  Not necessarily.

I was amazed once when I stumbled upon a story of a few yoginis take 8 classes in one day.  They took it Global Yoga studio in San Francisco, owned by senior bikram instructor Mary Jarvis.  I was struck by her passionate opinion about the importance of breath (and the equal importance of not drinking water during class).  She writes:

They do not drink water ever in class. It is a demonstration of the fact that in yoga...the most important thing you need in our yoga is our BODY,our MIND,and our infinite stream of SOUL. And the BRIDGE to this is the BREATH...

Apparently, she learned this from Bikram himself.

I've noticed in this first winter of practicing, I have decreased my intake of water.  I still can't help myself from taking a sip at party time.  My throat gets so dry or sometimes, I get the worst bile-taste in my mouth after eagle, that I desperately want a sip.  I think at some point during this challenge, I would love to take one class without every having to drink.  I'm just curious how that would feel like.

Dad, This One is For You

Day 7


Whenever my father felt the first signs of illness, he always used to whip out the vaporizer.  I used to watch him as a child as he filled the brown vaporizer with water, drop some Vicks liquid, wait for the steam to rise, and stick his face in for 15 minutes.  I was mesmerized at the vapors.  Over the years, if I ever complained to my dad that I was getting sick, he always advised the vaporizer.  Guaranteed.  I never did listen to him until today, my third day of suffering terrible congestion.

As I walked to our nearby pharmacy (thankfully, we live within a 2 block radius of every kind of possible store we could need), I thought of my dad.  A dentist by trade, my father is the epitome of health.  He gets up at 4:30am daily and does his morning routine:  he walks briskly for 45 minutes with two pound dumb bells, returns home for breakfast, and then heads out to the market to buy the day's food.  His family has a history of diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart disease.  While his siblings take insulin and other medications, my father has managed to avoid the pills through strict diet and exercise.  I asked him on my recent trip to the Philippines if he felt any sorts of pain associated with aging that his peers often complain about.  "Nope," he answered.  Arthritis?  No.  Muscle stiffness?  No.  Indigestion, gas, acid reflux?  No.  I was impressed.  I'm half his age and suffer from chronic knee pain and various other joint issues.

I hope by the end of this challenge, I hope to feel the same way my dad feels.  I believe I get my discipline and determination from him.  So I dedicate my practice to my dad*, who is such an example to me of good health.  When I start to waver or have my down days, I'll ask myself, "What would dad do?"


*I can't dedicate a practice to one parent while leaving the other out.  So I also dedicate my practice to my mom, who is on her own health journey. 

Defeated

Day 6

When the mind says "no", you can often rationalize to make it think differently.  But when the body says "no", it means it.

I got up at 5:45am, intent on going to yoga but when I got up, my head felt like a boulder, clogged like a drain, I knew it wasn't going to happen.  I went back to bed and got up 3 hours later to go to work.  It took a while to get myself ready and get to work.  I should've taken it as a sign.  I arrived at 10:30 and then went to lunch with my colleagues courtesy of my boss, and then left at 4:30.  By the time I got home, I felt miserable.  Drained and totally congested with a slight fever.  I slept for a few hours until The Husband came home, bearing my requests of orange juice, lemons, hot and sour soup from the Chinese restaurant, and Vicks vapor rub.

This whole illness is teaching me patience.  I'm not learning it well, believe me.  In my mind, I'm thinking of all the work that is piling up and all the doubles I'll need to do to catch up in the challenge.  Despite all the lying down I've done these past few days, my mind is quite anxious.

Relax your mind.  Realx your mind.  RELAX. YOUR. MIND.  Open your heart. 

That's what Alicia as she ends her bikram class as we lie in final savasana.  Right now, opeing my heart seems a lot easier than relaxing my mind. I know one thing.  My body has raised a white flag.  It has to rest and refuses to have it any other way.  No ifs, ands, or buts, about it.

What the frak?!

Day 3

Well, I had a whole, eloquent post written and by the accidental press of a button on my keyboard, poof!  It's gone.  GONE!  I can't retrieve it and I'm too frakkin' frustrated right now to re-write what took me about 45 minutes to conjure.

Suffice it to say, my original post was about convalescing, not going to yoga for a second day, and feeling left out of the action.  I used the metaphor of a marathon race and how the start gun just fired and all of us, giddy with excitement were moving past the start line, eager to start the challenge, and how suddenly, I tripped.  I had to bend down and tie my shoelaces while the crowd left me behind in it's wake.  I  am happy for the rest of you who have completed three classes and it is such great fun reading your blog updates.  Nevertheless, I can't help but feel frustrated that I can only account for one class while everyone else is on their third or fourth.

Then I recounted about going with The Husband to church today in the bitter cold and how it sapped all my energy.  That's when I knew I wasn't back to my 100% strength.  With my hood up and head down, I held The Husband's arm and allowed him to lead the way without having to look up as we crossed streets and dodged people on the sidewalk.  Then it transitioned to the concept of trust and how it so nicely coincided with today's Feast of the Epiphany in church, where three wise men followed a star to Bethlehem and upon finding the baby Jesus, presented Him with gifts of gold, frankinsence, and myrrh.  Further explanations about the importance of trust and how the wise mean serve as examples of how trusting the process in our lives and in our yoga is good for us.  And there you have it.  My vanished post just haphazardly recreated with such disinterest and dismay.  Arrrrrrrgh!

Signing off now and hoping tomorrow, I am 100% better (and less cranky) to return to work and go back to yoga.  Peace out.

The Best Laid Plans

The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew

 - Robert Burns

Day 2

The plan was to go to 10am yoga and meet some of friends, one of whom was from out of town, at the Met to see the samurai exhibit.  For dinner, we would go to a Japanese yakitori for some beer and grilled goodies. 

Today, I woke up and said, "uh oh."  My body was achy and my throat sore.  I was fighting a bug since Wednesday and all the running around this past week finally caught up with me.  My body proclaimed its revolt.  I still toyed with the idea of attending the 10am bikram class but when I didn't feel better, I pushed it back to 12noon and then to 4:30pm.  The Husband thought I was insane.  "You have a fever!" he exclaimed, incredulous at my stubbornness or delusion, I couldn't tell.  "Do you want to rest today, get better so that you just miss one day of yoga or do you want to go, push yourself, get even more sick, and miss several days of yoga?" he asked.  He was my voice of reason and as I looked to my bedside table, I saw the signs -- a mug full of hot water, lemon, and honey; echinacea; cough drops; kleenex -- and knew he was right.  I acquiesced to staying in bed.

When my mind remained undecided, I felt restless.  Even though I was trying to get some rest in bed, I was anxious.  My mind raced.  You have to go to yoga.  You committed to going 101 days straight.  You can't quit now, it's only the second day.  You are not determined enough.  Think of the disappointment you'll feel if you don't go.  Those thoughts and all sorts of others whirled through my mind.  They came to a complete stop after I agreed to stay home.  After that, I finally managed to close my eyes and go to sleep.

The Latin word caedere means to cut, to kill.  English words that end in -cide have their root in caedere (my HS required us to take two years of Latin so thank you to all my Latin teachers for teaching me this fun fact).  The more widely known words are suicide, homicide, genocide, pesticide and fungicide.  There are hundreds more words that end in -cide but the one we practice daily in our lives and in our yoga is this one:  decide.  When we make a decision, other options become irrelevant.  Today, I decided to honor my body and give it the rest it deserves.  In doing so, I silenced my mind.

In bikram, we practice silencing our minds using pinpoint focus and breath.  We decide to let the teacher lead us.  We decide to stick a pose and commit to it.  We decide to listen to our bodies in order to go deeper or to back off.  We decide to find stillness in between postures.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed about not going to yoga today.  But I have decided to look on the bright side:  missing yoga today is an opportunity to do a double, something I have never done before.

A fresh start, a new beginning

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time.

- T.S. Eliot

Day 1

Happy New Year everyone!

I rolled out of bed 9:15am this morning, awoken by an alarm clock so that I could attend the only class offered by my nearby studio at 10am.  I slept at 2:30 this morning after a large meal of lots of noodles (pancit canton represented the Filipino variety and spaghetti for the Italian variety) for long life and round things (meatballs, brussel sprouts, mandarines, grapefruits, grapes, and pancakes -- yes they are flat but circular so I guess they count) for prosperity.  This is a Filipino tradition to ring in the new year that my family has done as early as I can remember and if The Husband and I are in town, we do it at our home and have my mother over.

With an unsettled stomach and sleep dust still in my eyes, I walked to the studio along a desolate street.  Remnants from the night's festivities remained -- firecracker paper, broken plastic new year's hats, trash.  "Please don't let me be the only one in class," I thought to myself as I looked around and saw no one.  Thankfully, I walked into the studio lobby and there was life.  Eight students were guided today by Caroline, a sweet teacher whose instructions were so clear that I all I could was completely entrust myself into her hands. 

My old knee injury decided to make its appearance at awkward pose, first set.  Halfway through the second part of awkward, I felt a sharp twinge and came out early and by the time we got to the third part, the most uncomfortable feeling in my knee (as if a huge air bubble was in there waiting to burst) admittedly scared me to go down no more than 3 inches.  I bit my lip, tried to let it go and tried to breath normally.  All I could do was stand there with my arms up and tight.  I wonder if it's my mind or my body telling me to back off when I get that uncomfortable "air bubble" feeling.  It's not sharp, acute pain but there is such immense pressure that my breath goes out of wack and that's my cue to back off.  Any thoughts out there fellow yogis?

During our long savasana as we transitioned between the standing and floor series, Caroline said, "while the rest of Astoria sleeps through their hangovers, you are here doing yoga."  I smiled.  I never did any kind of exercise on New Year's Day and it felt great to start the day, to start the new year with an activity that focuses on me.  There are many traditions I do for the near year like the midnight dinner or wearing polka dots (remember circles represent prosperity!).  Perhaps doing yoga could be a new tradition I add to the list.

Bikram 101 Challenge

The Husband thinks I'm insane. Mind you, he recently joined me and started doing bikram yoga. He's been at it for about 2 months, three days a week (he emphatically stated that 3 days a week was enough for him...and he doesn't want me blogging about his progress so I'm going to respect his wishes and restrain from commenting about his practice). As a married couple, we journey together in life and I was absolutely thrilled when he decided to join me in the sweat box and stick to it. But I'm on my own on this challenge. He will cheer and support me from the sidelines.

Since I started practicing back in March, I've been wanting to do a 30 day challenge, where one practices bikram once a day for 30 days straight. I never got around to committing and then through thedancingj's blog, I discovered she and a few other bikram yogis are organizing a Bikram 101 challenge. They are so inspiring and so on top of things! They have created a website, a facebook page, and a twitter account.

There is no way I would've embarked on this commitment alone. And even though I am fretting just a teensy weensy bit about going 101 days straight, I am comforted by the fact that so many others around the world will be doing this with me and that the cyberspace will house the community of participating yogis. 

Why 101 days?  Read all about the reasons here.  I could definitely use physical and emotional healing and I think it's a great way to start the new year!  I look forward to the commitment and the discipline it will take to fulfill this challenge.  By the time the challenge will be done, I would've celebrated another birthday.  It would be a great gift to myself and I was inspired by Charlie, another bikram yogi who did a 60 day challenge that ended right on his 60th birthday.

In typical Aries fashion, as if 101 straight days of bikram isn't enough, I've decided to blog about it and do something akin to Flickr's 365Days Project, where you take a self-portrait every day for 365 days straight.  Instead of 365 days, I'm going to only do 101 days, in conjunction with the bikram challenge.  I was inspired to do this by i love sweat's blog who always starts his posts with a picture.

So wish me luck folks!  I will need it as well as your encouragement, your support, and good cheer!

Yoga Youth Day

One of my teachers organized a "Yoga Youth Day" two Saturdays ago and I haven't had a chance to blog about it.  In its original concept, the day was to involve several bikram studios in the tri-state area and invite low income kids from the community to take a class with the hope that these kids could somehow continue practicing through some kind of financial assistance program.

Unfortunately, 3 of the 4 studios originally intending to participate had to back out.  But my studio remained.  Weeks ago, my teacher invited me to join the event and asked if I could be one of the adults standing in the front row to be an example for the kids to mimic.  I was honored at the invitation and I was excited to participate!

Although the intention was to have boys and girls participate, the school assigned to our studio happened to be The Young Women's Leadership School in East Harlem (cool little tidbit:  this all-girl's public school has been so successful in preparing low-income girls of color for college that the school has been and is being replicated throughout NYC and the country).  We had 20 sweet girls between the ages of 14-17 practice today with 6 adults in the front, two of them teachers at my studio.  We had a blast!  My teacher managed to get new mats and t-shirts with the "Yoga Youth Day" logo donated for the girls and Vita Coco and electrolyte water donated for the class.

It really is amazing to practice with youth -- the energy in the room was powerful and positive.  Here's what the young women taught me that day:

Lightheartedness
When some of my teachers notice a lot of us adults getting frustrated, they'll say, "Smile!  It's only yoga."  During warm up, in the first set of backbend, the girls after trying a few seconds just busted out laughing and then the whole room was giggling even the adults.  My sense is that none of them had ever done a backbend before.  Unlike the adults who huff and puff and muscle their way through a backbend, the girls just laughed.  Laughed.  When was the last time you smiled in the mirror after a you fall out of a tough pose?

Fearlessness
As my teacher delivered the dialogue for toe stand, those girls were down and in the pose faster than you can say "bikram".  No hesitation.  No fear.  I was in serious awe.  A lot of newbies in my studio can't go into toe stand.  The physical act is so foreign to them that my teachers always keep encouraging newbies to try it step by step.  And even regulars like me hesitate with toe stand.  I can go into toe stand just fine on the left side.  But the right side, with my "bad" right knee?  Not so much.  And I will admit that sometimes it is physical pain that holds me back but most of the time, it is mental.  I anticipate that I will feel pain and because I don't want to feel pain, I am afraid to try.  It's something I work on every day.  Those girls were an inspiration.

Faith
Every single one of those girls was in camel.  I know because I stayed in camel and I was in the front row and could see and feel stillness in the room.  Nobody came out early.  Nobody turned around and went into savasana.  Those girls tilted their head back, pushed their hips forward, and reached for their heels, trusting they were there.  They breathed and they stayed.  Beautiful. 

Lead by Example
In my studio, those in the front row serve as the leaders and role models for the class.  During class, when the teacher thinks the front row isn't working hard enough or is sloppy, (s)he will say, "Front row:  be the role models!" and everyone straightens up.  Practicing in front of those girls, I was focused and solid yet still lighthearted.  I worked harder for them so they could see, learn, and perhaps be inspired.  In turn, they taught me so much.

I never had so much fun doing bikram until today!  And those 90 minutes just flew by.  Wouldn't it be cool if our regular practice could fly by in the same way?

Whoa Camel!

There have been some crazy cool things that my body experienced this week during bikram practice.  Last Tuesday, in final savasana, I felt a vibration going up and down my body.  The feeling was more like little zings akin to a taught guitar string being plucked.  The zings happened first in my hands.  Then at my elbows, shoulders, chest, stomach, legs, feet.  Kinda cool.

And then there was last night's class.  Whoa.  Remember how I posted an article earlier about yoga making you horny?  Before you get your mind in the gutter, this post is not about my getting horny last night.  When I read first read that article, I asked myself how it is possible to feel moments of ecstasy when all I feel during my practice is the opposite?

But something cool and yes, admittedly kinda freaky (I'm not gonna be all zen about it and lie) happened during camel.  In the first set, I got into it fine and by the middle of it, I started getting nauseous.  I kept my breathing steady and my pinpoint focus.  Thankfully, my teacher called out "change" and I quickly went into savasana and just kept breathing, allowing my queasy feelings to go.  I forced myself to do a sit up and as I set up for second set, the wave of nausea hit me again and my teacher's voice sounded distant.  My mind panicked and screamed, "You're going to faint!"  I looked straight into my eyes in the mirror and remembered what my teacher once told me, "Your mind will quit before your body will."  As I finished this thought and searched for my strength somewhere deep inside, my teacher said, "I want all of us to commit to staying in this posture the whole time.  If you come out early, I guarantee you are not getting 100% of the emotional benefits." 

Somehow, that was exactly what I needed to hear.  Emotional benefits?  Reaping 100% of them?  Yes, sign me up please!  And besides, this bout of nausea during camel came last week with the same teacher and when I just knelt with my hands at the back of my hips in second set, she called me out!  I definitely didn't want her calling me out this week.

Despite the nausea and a fear of fainting, I set my hands to the back of my hips, pushed them forward and tilted my head back.  I hit my wall but I forced myself to push, push, push past the nausea with my mantra, "BREATHE."  I saw the ceiling...where the ceiling met the wall...where the wall met the floor...and then the front of someone's mat in the third row.  I was in the middle of whatever it was.  Suddenly, I felt as if someone stabbed me in my pubic bone and then heat was radiating out of that point.  As my mind screamed "BREATHE!!!!!" the heat kept coming.  When I came out of it, the heat stopped and I was completely spent.

Later, I described what happened to my teacher and she said, "That's awesome!!!"  You are opening up a chakra!"  As soon as I got home, I tried to identify which chakra it could be and I believe it is the first one, the root chakra or muladhara.  Here's what this website says about the root chakra:

When the root chakra is balanced you feel grounded, centered, and able to live in the here and now effortlessly. You feel alive with a strong connection to yourself and those around you. Your life is working on all levels, but even if there are areas that are not working you are confident that they will work out. You are healthy and want to take care of yourself, usually manifesting as an interest in your nutritional intake and physical exercise.

Hmmm...interesting.  During my practice, when I need to find my pinpoint focus, I look to my belly button not to the spot between my two eyes.  The navel, or the piko according to Hawaiians, is the center.  It connects us to the source of life. 

Without going into terribly boring details, all my life growing up bicultural, I never felt rooted.  I always felt like a drifter with one foot in Filipino culture and the other foot in American culture.  Two years ago, The Healer said that I needed to go back to the Philippines and feel the place of my birth with my bare feet.  I heeded his advice and it was a beautiful trip.  I brought my husband and introduced him to all those who I loved and loved me.  They loved him.  My family treated me differently, as if I had credibility now as a married woman.  And most importantly, it allowed my dad and I to show affection to each other.  In the last two months, MoJo and I have discussed buying a home and we are currently house hunting.  This self-proclaimed nomad want to put down roots.

Being Present

I got hooked after regularly taking a few bikram yoga classes last spring.  I immediately canceled my gym membership to join a studio.  Weeks after canceling my gym membership, I canceled my trainer who I worked with for five years.  Thank goodness he didn’t take it personally, for which I was grateful.

After seven months of a regular practice, I can finally articulate why I feel so committed to bikram and why this yoga is my only form of exercise.

I am present in the moment.

There are days when this practice kicks my ass and I feel like jelly and can't seem to hold any posture or run out of the room screaming as if I was on fire.  There are days when my knee is does not cooperate and screams out in pain during a pose and I have to back off with a wince and an irregular breath.  There are days when I feel strong and solid yet supple.  There are days when my body opens and goes further than it ever did even if it is only a quarter of an inch.  Regardless of what my practice is that day, I remain present in that moment.

Despite how hard bikram can be, I still look forward to going.  I never EVER felt that way about going to the gym or seeing my trainer and now I know why.  Every time I ran on a treadmill, pedaled on a bike, or climbed stairs to nowhere, I tried to forget what I was doing.  I watched TV, listened to my ipod, read a book/magazine/newspaper, attempted to solve a puzzle.  I didn’t want to focus on the monotony of movement so I diverted my attention to something else.  My mind and body were disconnected and I was bored and uninspired.

It is impossible to be disconnected during my practice.  My mind is aware but does not think.  It listens to the teacher and heeds my body.  My body moves with intention and purpose.  I exhibit faith, compassion, openness, listening, forgiveness, and fortitude.  This must be why we call this practice a moving meditation.  It requires that we dig deep into ourselves, in a place that houses our spirit, our strength, our divinity.

I can never go back to a gym and I can never again exercise in a cold room.

DWTS's Tribute to Patrick Swayze

I thought it was so awesome that Dancing With the Stars did a tribute to Patrick Swayze last night.

Every time I watch awesome ballroom dancing, it inspires me to take lessons. Unfortunately, MoJo dislikes dancing although he does it sometimes at weddings to make me happy. I am grateful that I don't have to drag him kicking and screaming to the dance floor. But boy, how I wish we ballroom danced together for fun. :-/

Where the name comes from

Ever wonder why I call myself "ActionJoJo"?

In college, everyone called me "Jo" and my best friend called me "JoJo". During our senior year, my friend Katie, who had just returned from a junior year abroad in Germany saw me and shouted out "JoJoAction!" Huh? She never called me that before. She explained it like this:

When I was in Germany, there was this hit song called "Jojo Action" by a group called Mr. President. Every time they played it, I thought of you! ::starts singing::

Listen JoJo Action

Gimme satisfaction

JoJo c'est la vie

Well, needless to say, she called me that ever since then. When I created this blog, I tried to use "jojoaction" but it was taken. So "ActionJoJo" was born!

And for a real treat, here's the music video to the song!

Update! Read all about it.

I notice that I'm the kind of blogger who pauses and stops writing for a long time for a variety of reasons. Then, I somehow get inspired and I pick it up again. So here I am. Back. Almost one and half years later. Lots have happened since March 08.

Celebrated my 10 year college reunion. The weekend was amazing and it made me realize how much I missed my 4 years at school.

Barack was elected president! Woot! I still love me some Hillary and was disappointed when she lost to Obama. Nevertheless, I'm happy with how things turned out.

I became an official TripVlogger for a travelsite called TripFilms and I'll be posting some of the videos I made for them on our trip to Hong Kong. We owe them videos on the Philippines so I'll be posting those soon too. In the meantime, you can check out my videos at Tripfilms here.

MoJo and I went to Hong Kong for New Year 2009 and then on to the Philippines for two weeks to visit my family.

I started practicing Bikram yoga in mid-March and I am an official Bikram junkie!!! I was inspired to try it because of the inspiring healing story of the creator of this yoga, Bikram Choudhury. He crushed his knee in a weightlifting accident as a young adult and Western doctors proclaimed he would never walk again. He proved them wrong. This practice has healed countless people physically, mentally, & emotionally including myself.

I had arthroscopic surgery back in 1991 and my knee was never the same. I always likened my knee to a shattered vase pieced together. Over the years, it would lock out, feel tight, feel like there were air bubbles in. I didn't have any strength in it nor flexibility. In March 09, I was leaning heavily on a banister to go down stairs because my knee didn't feel strong enough. I've been an active person despite working out at the gym, running, power walking, hiring a trainer. But over the years, my knee just weakened. Besides the knee, I had other joint/muscle issues: I pulled my back out several times, the tendons in my shoulder were starting to fray causing severe paine, my wrists hurt (I thought I had carpel tunnel), my ankles were starting to hurt. In fact, you can read me blog about it back in 2005. I felt like I was a 30 year old living in a 60 year old body. It was depressing to say the least. One acupuncturist friend who treated me told me that my body has a tendency to produce high levels of acid (caused mainly by stress, anger, and the food I eat) that is causing my joint pain/injury. She recommended that I sweat the acid out. Enter Bikram yoga and the inspiring story of healing by Bikram himself. I made a commitment to practicing 5-6 days a week and after 5 months I am so happy to say that all my joint paint has virtually disappeared. I say virtually because my knee pain has decreased tremendously and is on its way to healing fully. I feel like I've been given a new body with my regular practice. In addition to all the physical benefits (did I mention that I've lost weight), emotionally and mentally I'm also a different person. I am happier, more centered and at peace, and most importantly, I've been able to manage the stress in my daily life so well. Things that would make me fly off the handle before, don't bother me anymore. It's been an amazing and transformative experience. But I had to earn it. Healing on any level is not passive; it is an active engagement of your mind, body, and spirit. It takes commitment, hard work, discipline, and yes, sometimes pain to achieve breakthroughs. There's a time and place for medicine. Yes. However, I feel our society has become so dependent on pills to solve our issues when in fact pills just treat the symptom (and create more problems with side effects) and don't target the cause.

And most recently, we just came back from vacation. We went on a 9-day cruise to the Caribbean. Let's just say I'm not running to sign up for my next cruise. It was good to spend time with MoJo's family and not have to work for 9 days. The best part was sitting on a deck chair, facing the horizon and reading a book. Other than that, I can do without the overconsumption of food, alcohol, and goods. I'll stick to off-the-beaten path traveling unless it's a cruise to the Galapagos or the South Pacific!