Resentment...Yep, There It Is

Day THIRTY

My knee, my knee, my knee.  Throughout this challenge, my right knee seemd to be on the mend.  I did not feel any pain and slowly but surely, I was going deeper into poses that I couldn't even do when I first started this yoga:  all parts of awkward; toe stand; fixed firm, sitting Japanese style in half tortoise, rabbit, final breathing.

Last night in final breathing, I could not sit Japanese style after the first set.  I had to cross my legs.  Today, my knee felt the old tightness and full of pressure from within.  The first set of awkward was painful and served as a litmus test for my knees for this class. As lynxofsilver once described her knees, they whined.  I couldn't put all my weight on toe stand and by the first set of half tortoise, I could feel myself favoring my left side by putting all my weight on it.  Somehow, my knee righted itself in the second set and the rest of class.  After class, it spasm after an hour of sitting.  And walking right now, it feels tight and totally uncomfortable.  GOOD TIMES!!!

Admittedly, it is a depressing to come such a long way with no pain and suddenly, it comes back out of nowhere.  I thought my knee was healing!!!  Argh!!!!!  I am really annoyed.  And of course, my mind goes nuts.  Maybe it's because you skipped a day.  You should've kept going.  Nothing else is different except the one day you didn't go.  It's all your fault that your knees are in pain.  They hurt because you missed.  Isn't the mind an amazing thing?  How did I go from re-experiencing knee pain to it being my fault?

I go back to missing that one day.  I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself but I am.  I know it is stupid of me to think of yoga over my sick mom who needed me more.  And even more so, I feel so embarrassed and guilty that I actually did think this way.  Thanks to 20/20 hindsight, I feel a new emotion:  resentment.  I know my mother well enough to know that her health issue was not major when she called on Thursday night.  She did not need to go to the ER for goodness sakes woman!  All she needed to do was calm down.  Easier said than done for someone who doesn't suffer from anxiety and catastrophic thinking.  I've learned the signs of a panic attack.  I've learned the irrationality of her fears and the inability to assuage them myself.  I could've taken 90 minutes to go to yoga before returning to the hospital.  I wanted to take care of myself first on Friday but instead, I chose to give it all up for someone else.  I wish I did take care of me.  Deep down, I am resentful at her for being so needy and even more so, I am angry at myself for making the decision to completely give into her neediness.  I should've known!  How could I fall for this again?!  Why did I choose to listen to her?!  The resentment is there even though it is just a kernel.  Several years of therapy has helped reduce that resentment to what it is now.  Formerly, it was a massive, pulsing ball of RAGE. 

Days 30-60 are to be emotional, healing, eh?  What a way to start these next 30 days.  There are still so many emotions and issues buried deep inside me.  The recurring one still exists:  resentment at mom for being who she is -- panicky, anxious, emotional, and irrational.  She is so many other wonderful things:  independent, strong, and accomplished.  She is such a different person when she caves into her irrational fear and I become a different person too in response to her.  I lose all compassion.  That is a tough thing to say when you are talking about your own mother.

Happy to Be Back

 

Downtown Flushing prepares to celebrate Chinese New Year

Day TWENTY NINE

We all stood up.  Just before pranayama breathing, Kara said, "Take a moment to be present in the room and look into the eyes of your own best teacher."  I did just that.  And suddenly my eyes welled up with tears.  During pranayama, I let the tears fall.  During the exhales, I could feel the tears sliding down the side of my face, by my ears.  It has been an emotional 48 hours and already, just as the 5pm class started, I was already releasing what needed to be released.

I don't know if I wrote it in my last entry, but on Thursday morning, The Husband and I put an offer on the house that we saw on Saturday.  Within an hour, our agent called us back and said the owner accepted our offer.  What?!  Really?  That fast?  My heart skipped a beat as I thought about this new chapter of our lives starting and closing the old one behind.  Within 6 hours of that news and the implications of all that came with it, I was driving my mother to the emergency room.  We were both so focused on her health, that it was only on Friday that she found out about the offer.

Although I knew I had to get back to the hospital on Friday, I did wake up and wonder when I could fit in my yoga class.  How could I be thinking about yoga at a time like this?  Well, because I was doing so well, going every day, it was my 28th day.  I didn't want to skip a day of yoga.  And then, I shook my head and marveled that I could think of yoga as my mom lay in a hospital bed.  So then I felt guilty for thinking of my yoga before my mother.  I made a deal with myself:  if I could get to yoga after my mother is discharged, I'll go to the latest class offered in this city no matter which studio it was in.  Well, that never happened.  So I went home last night at 9pm feeling happy that my mom was alright and her issue was nothing serious but sad that my streak was broken.  Sure, I could do a double.  But I really wanted to go every day for 101 days straight.  Then I felt angry at myself, "Why are you feeling bad when this was an emergency and there was a good reason for you not going today?!"  Because I wanted to go to yoga today even though my mom was sick.  A little voice inside me said.   

Even though this challenge has been tough at parts, exhilarating at parts, boring at parts, it has been the one consistent thing that I have done for myself this last month and the benefits have been incredible.  As my life starts to change with the prospect of home ownership and this sudden need to take my mother to the hospital, this yoga has been one of the very few things that I can hold on to while my life changes and events happen that demand more of my time.  The yoga room is where I decompress, where I still my mind, where I focus, where I take the deepest breaths of my day.  And on a day when my mom was sick and I was worried, sleepless, and stressed, I looked to my practice for calm, for a release, for peace.

After having practiced for 27 days straight, one day of missing yoga definitely felt strange and my body missed it.  Looked for it.  Yearned for it.  So today, back in the sweat box, I cried at pranayama.  Partly because I asked myself to be compassionate to me.  It is OKAY to miss a day.  Be easy on yourself.  It was an emergency.  All that mattered was that I came back ready to work, to sweat, and to let go.

Gratitude

 

Waiting

Days TWENTY SEVEN & TWENTY EIGHT

5:30pm with Corinne on Thursday, day #27.  I think Corinne is my favorite teacher and I've missed her since she hasn't taught at my studio since the new year.  Today she was back and awesome as usual.  Class was super juicy and I was sweating by pranayama and drenched by half moon.  It was also the first day of my period (sorry guys if this is TMI) and by the floor series, I got my usual back pain associated with the first day.  During the poses, I was fine because I was active.  It was in the savasanas where I was could feel the pain getting worse.  By the end of class, I had to run to my locker and take two Advil.  Since practicing bikram 11 months ago, my pain has decreased.  The pain in my lower back used to be so overwhelming that I would be paralyzed.  I would have hot flashes and then cold sweats within minutes, and the pain would radiate down my the front of my legs.  It would take 12 Advil, yes 12 Advil, over the course of 8 hours to make the pain go away.  With bikram, I am down to 2 Advil or 4 at most during the course of 8 hours...it is a vast improvement.  And all the PMS symptoms I used to feel are now gone.  Without a doubt, this bikram has been healing.

Class was good overall.  Nice and juicy and Corinne was her usual energetic self.  She told me that I was going too low in triangle and that I shouldn't be bending my knee as much as I am.  She encouraged me to go deeper in my halfmoon backbend and complimented me on half tortoise.

I got home at 9pm and within an hour, I got a call from my mother.  She had a 102 degree fever and the left side of her face was so swollen, she said she looked like she had the mumps.  She started to panic and she desperately wanted to go the emergency room to find out why her face was getting swollen.  She also compained of chest pain.  I know my mother...her chest pain is a symptom of her anxiety and her panic attack not her heart.  Nevertheless, I also know when she has a panic attack nothing but the advice of a doctor will ease her mind.  So at 11:30, I picked her up and drove her to the emergency room.  Mind you, I had to rent a ZipCar because I know a trip to the ER would take hours and I wasn't taking the subway at 11pm or going home in the wee hours of the morning via public transport.

After tons of tests, the doctors told me to go home at 4:30am and to come back tomorrow.  I got home at 5am, slept for a few hours and then got back to the hospital at 12noon.  It was determined that her heart was fine and the swelling was due to a saliva duct getting blocked and infected.  The doctor told her she needed to drink at least 2 liters of water daily to flush things out.  She's on antibiotics and at 6pm, she was finally discharged after she was given a clean bill of health especially by the cardiologist.  By the time we got home and I went to the pharmacy to pick up her medication, it was 7:30pm and there was no way I was getting bikram in today, day #28.  So I'll just have to do a double.

Spending a night in the hospital is no fun.  As I looked around at all the sick people, I suddenly became grateful for my bikram practice.  This practice is insurance for a healthy body today and tomorrow.  I have so many issues about the way our country views health and addresses healing, which gets reflected in our current health care system.  Even though I missed bikram on day #28, I am grateful for so many things:  my mom's issue was not serious and she is currently resting at home.  I am also very grateful for my practice that has provided me incredible healing of mind, body, and spirit.  I want to live to a ripe old age doing the things that I love with a healthy body that has been cared for and maintained.

Letting Go

Day TWENTY SIX

7am today with Alicia was like night and day from last night's class with Danielle.  I was stiff, stiff, stiff as a board.  First backward bend was painful.  Lacked balance in second part of awkward.  Fell out of eagle.  Couldn't get my forehead to the floor in standing separate leg stretching.  My knees were sore.  The back of my right knee was feeling a dull pain.  My body from yesterday felt like a well-tuned, well-oiled car and today, it was traded in for a jalopy.  The difference was so stark that it was startling especially within just 11 hours.  I never cease to marvel at how this practice teaches us to just go with the flow and take it day by day.  I am happy to say that even though I was so stiff today I practiced with no judgment and didn't berate myself for not doing this or not doing that.  It felt no natural to just accept and do the best I could.  I feel like I've grown so much since I first began this practice 11 months ago when I would've been so easily frustrated and berated myself.  This kind of letting go has been one of the joyous benefits of doing this yoga.

The Cycle Continues

 

My new Le Crueset 5-quart braiser!!!!  Sooo excited to use it!

Day TWENTY FIVE

We arrived home at midnight last night and we didn't get to bed until 1am.  My intention was to go to 7am again today but there was no way it was happening since I took the 7am yesterday and only slept 4 hours.  I made previous plans with friends, one of whom was coming from out of town, but because of this challenge and how things worked out, I could only spend 30 minutes with my friends and then get to 8pm yoga.  Well, my out-of-town friend was more than 45 minutes late and I had to leave the group without even seeing her.  My friends were trying to convince me to stay, have another drink, and do a double tomorrow.  I really was tempted but the thought of skipping a class by choice after now having gone 24 days straight did not appeal to me now that I've come this far and gained all this momentum.  

I didn't like the idea of practicing so late during the week but 8pm with Danielle was a surprise.  My muscles felt like cottage cheese during the warm up and all the way through standing bow.  I just felt like they were jello and I had no strength but boy, did I have flexibility.  I went quite deep in half moon and all my forehead to knee poses were the best they've ever been.  By the time we we got to the floor series, I seemed to get a second wind.  I got a nice compliment and adjustment in full bow.  The increased flexibility was a whole new experience and I am in awe that my body was so open tonight.

By the time class was done and I left the studio it was 10pm.  I didn't get home until 11pm.  Ugh!  I walked in the door and it was time to go to bed.  It was a weird feeling but I was so giddy from class that The Husband remarked how much energy I had.  It's too bad I had to go to bed right away for 7am tomorrow.  I feel like all I do these days is work, eat, sleep, and yoga.  Repeat.

Can I Just Close My Eyes?

 

This is what I wanted to do all day!

Day TWENTY FOUR

It was a real struggle to get to 7am with Alicia.  Normally, once my head hits the pillow, I'm out.  Last night, my mind was buzzing thinking about the house we saw the day before.  After tossing and turning, I looked at the clock last night and saw that it was 1 am!  Four hours and 45 minutes before I had to wake up.  Great.

This morning, I snoozed a little longer than I wanted.  The Husband was not happy either.  We both didn't want to get up.  But we had to because if we didn't, there would be no yoga today.  Tonight, we are looking at the house again, this time bringing our family.  There we were, a disgruntled pair getting our things together in a more rushed manner since we snoozed longer.  Alicia was her perky self when she saw us walk in and out of politeness, we said hello and smiled.  I did admit to her that we were big grumps as I kicked my shoes off and let them lie on the floor in a haphazard manner and it took all my effort to fix them.  I didn't seem to care.

There were 14 students in class and half of them were boys!  I've never practice where there are equal or more boys in bikram before today.  It was a different dynamic -- not good, bad, just different.   Today in class there was a Guido, Gaston, and a Ryoko in my class.  I felt like I was in the UN.  ;)

Anyway, I was NOT into bikram today.  In pranayama, my mind wandered around telling myself that it didn't want to be there.  In half moon, it said that it was not interested in bending the spine in four directions and that stretching feeling I feel on my side is not fun.  In awkward, it was not happy going through all those poses and by eagle, I was falling out.  I was still feeling uninspired by standing forehead to knee although I stayed in the full expression of the pose on the right side.  In standing bow, I kept falling out and in the second set with right arm up, as I was down and parallel to the floor, I tried to kick up higher and I felt a pinching in my back, just below my right shoulder blade.  I grimaced as I fell out.  Whoa, what's going on there?!?

In triangle left side, I was feeling the wonky stuff I've been feeling in my left knee.  I had to remind myself to use my elbow to push my left knee back to help protect it.  In fixed firm I couldn't go down all the way in the first set because my left knee!  Whoa...the tightness was incredible and the stretching feeling was almost overwhelming but I reminded myself to breathe and relax.  I was able to go down fully in the second set.  Since class, my left knee feels like it has been stretched out like a rubber band that has lost its elasticity.  It doesn't hurt but it feels like something is radiating out of it.  Not pain but something.  I just feel it.  Maybe I should ice it.

My right knee on the other hand is surprisingly fine.  In fact, it is doing so well that I was very happy in toe stand, right side.  I was able to balance on my foot and managed to put both hands up even for a slow, silent clap.  This my friends, is progress.  Wow.  When I first started bikram, I could only get my hands to the floor and barely bend my right knee because of the pain.  Heck, when I started bikram, bending my knee in wind removing pose and head to knee with stretching pose was painful and sitting on my heels Japanese style, fuhhgeddabout it.

And my upper back --- whoa!  Sore sore sore!  Since I lack flexibility in my upper back, I feel soreness in this area every 5-7 days.  I know this is a good since as I hope my upper back continues to open up slowly and surely.

I am really loving camel these days - can you believe it?  Really focusing on keeping my chest lifted has changed the posture for me incrementally but it feels like a whole new posture.  I feel awesome doing it.  I'll have to remember these peaks when one day I'm in a valley.  Besides camel, this was just another meh practice.  I guess there are just some days when I won't be feeling inspired like today and the last few days.  I feel like I'm just slogging through right now.  I know this is just a phase that will pass.

Reverse

 

War wounds!

Day TWENTY TWO

After months of looking, The Husband and I saw a house with our realtor that showed real promise.  I don't want to talk about it for fear of jinxing things but it was one of those things where we walked into the house and The Husband and I looked at each other and said, "Hmmm...I can see us living here."  One of my co-workers told me that this house hunting experience was going to be similar to shopping for a wedding dress:  you just get a feeling that this is the one.  I guess the only difference is that many women can buy and wear the same wedding dress but only one owner can buy that one house.  :-/

10am with Caroline.  It was a good class and it was generally uneventful -- didn't feel awesome, rock-my-world nor did I feel terrible, awful, etc.  It was just okay.  I found myself slipping in triangle again...and in this studio, we step to the left side of our mat and we do the poses on the carpet.  Hmmm...maybe yesterday wasn't about my slippery mat but about not keeping everything engaged and super tight.  When we got to the first set, right side head to knee with stretching pose, Caroline exclaimed, "ActionJoJo, what are you doing?!"  She corrected me big time when we went to the left.  In an effort to try to get my forehead to my knee and bending my leg as much as I can, she said that I was going into the pose in the reverse.  I have been bending my leg, tucking in my chin, getting forehead to knee, and then reaching around my foot to get into the bikram grip.  Well, I'm to reach down, grab my foot, bend forward and then inf my forhead to my knee doesn't touch, then bend it.  She told me later in the locker room, "All you're doing is tucking your chin in!  You're spine is changing day by day if you get into the posture right." Thanks Caroline for always being immensely helpful!  Namaste!

Even if You're Covered In Lotion

 

Me in my colorful Incan hat!  

Too bad you can't see the little balls attached on a string to the bottom of the ear flaps.

I had no idea the camera timer would take 3 consecutive pictures 

so this is the 2nd one of me talking to The Husband after I thought the camera was done.

DAY TWENTY-ONE

The frigid chill has returned to NYC.  It is 16 degrees outside; with the wind chill, it feels like 1.  That's cold yo!  It was one of those days where thermal underwear is your friend.  And I am especially grateful for Bikram!

5:30 with Kara.  Every time Kara said "lift your chest", I imagined myself with a harness strapped around my torso as George said.  Kara said it in pranayama as we exhaled and I lifted my chest and brought my elbows to touch, I heard her say, "Beautiful ActionJoJo."  It felt so natural and easy and fluid.  Today felt like the deepest backward bend I ever did in half moon.  I lifted my chest and managed to pull my arms further back along the wall and down towards the carpet as I pushed my hips forward.  And in camel.  Yeah, it was a fantastic two sets of camel with my chest lifted.

I found myself slipping in triangle.  At my studio, we go to the top of our mats and then make a quarter turn to the right when we're done with the balancing series.  We do this because there is just no room for all of us to step to the left side of our mats.  If we did that, we would be on another person's mat.  We practice inches apart from each other here at my regular studio.  Anyway, the towel on my mat had shrunken and when I stepped out there I was on my slippery mat.  Good times.  I've heard some of my teachers say that I should be able to do bikram even if I'm covered in lotion...so slippery mat, no problem! In toe stand right side, I am starting to be able to get myself upright with my left foot in the crease of my hip, firmly placed there.

My bikram stigmatas were killing me today.  I noticed them especially in camel as I knelt down.  The ones on the tops of my feet are especially painful in fixed firm.  Finally, I took the care to swivel carefully on my behind because I do not want any more butt burn!

Uplifted

 

"I Do Love You" by Jander Lacerda, my friend.

J - The Husband and I are honored to have this painting hanging in our bedroom.

Day TWENTY

It's official. As described by the Missus and like many of you, I have bikram war wounds too.  There they are on both my knees, the top of my right foot and even the top of my right toes.  Interestingly, nothing on my left foot or toes...hmm...it makes me wonder if I am not pressing down hard enough on my left.  I also have something that I have yet to hear others say they have:  I have butt burn.  Yes.  Butt burn.  Due to the constant swiveling around on a wet towel after each pose to quickly get into savasana, I have rug...errr...towel burn in the fleshy part where the lower glute muscles meet the top of my hamstrings.  It is the part of skin that is just exposed after my shakti shorts ends.  I just put lotion on all these dry parts and owie!  The butt burn stings!!!

The cravings continue.  Last night, I stopped and bought a New York slice of cheese pizza.  I haven't eaten pizza in years!  Today for lunch, I craved Eggs Benedict and looked for a place that made it near my job.  Thankfully, a local diner served it and I inhaled the stuff with such glee that I thought, "Is this what it is like for pregnant women to have cravings?"  I'm not pregnant so I still chalk it up to the yoga. 

It snowed during 7am class with George.  The Husband and I love George.  There's something about the way he teaches that makes us more honest about our practice.  It's too bad that he doesn't regularly teach morning classes.  I'm trying to convince to teach at least one weekday class in the morning but I don't know how successful I'll be.  Perhaps I need to get a group of us from the morning to write comments to the studio owner and ask for George. 

The Husband joined me again today, after just attending yoga yesterday.  I also managed to convince him to practice in the second row.  I moved back, he moved up.  We compromised our usual spots and we literally met in the middle.  It was a physical reflection of our relationship.  :)

George teased The Husband just before we started and said, "Now that you are in the second row, we are going to make you work harder!"  The Husband jokingly acted as if to retreat to the back row but I know for George, he works harder.  Isn't it amazing how some teachers inspire you to work harder?  When I fell out of standing forehead to knee, he looked at The Husband and said, "Now that ActionJoJo fell out, you are going to have to make up for that."  Ha!

Today was a strong class and no signs of nausea from last class.  George adjusted me slightly when we were in the left side of triangle.  I have a tendency to bring my right upstretched arm towards 11 o'clock when it should really be pointing straight up, at midnight.  He fixed that and rotated my head so that my chin closer to my shoulder.  George also watched me like a hawk in standing separate forehead to knee.  I realized today that I am able to get my locked arms behind my ears, which helps me to tuck my chin to my chest and keep it down as I round myself down (like an angry halloween cat or as if there was a bar or a beach ball underneath me...as my teachers like to say).  He advised me to keep rounding my back and as I reach my lowest point, to keep rounding it even more by sucking the stomach in.  If only then, if my forehead still doesn't touch my knee, he said to bend my knee but not too soon or else I'll never teach my back to round itself as much as possible.  I also realize when I bend my knee in this pose, my hips go out of alignment and I've had corrections from several teachers to stick the hip of my bent leg back up but when I do that, I lose the contact between my forehead/bridge of my hose to knee.

Before the balancing series, Alicia always explains the goal of keeping the knee locked and advises not to progress until we've achieved that goal.  "Never build a house on rocky foundation," she would say.  And it seems that I have built a rocky foundation when it comes to forehead to knee.  I've never really forced myself to round my back, making it stretch and open properly.  I realized this especially during separate leg stretching, when I started to kick my right heel out an inch and then another inch while keeping the bikram grip and my forehead to my knee!!  I'm so glad I "started over" in this pose because the progress has been so quick in just a few days.

For camel, George told us to keep lifting our chest up as we inhale and not just let the spine collapse backward.  He asked us to envision a harness attached to our torso and that we were being lifted up into the air.  When I imagined it, I envisioned myself flying with angel wings attached to my back and arms outstretched surrendering to the flight.  It made me smile and lift my chest.  Maybe this is why camel wasn't so bad today.

Spoke Too Soon

At the office.  I spend all day sitting down in front of a computer.

Day NINETEEN

Did I say that 7am classes weren't that hot?  Did I say that I didn't crave meat and was reaching for grains and beans instead?  Well I take it all back because yesterday and today just made a liar out of me.

Yesterday, I craved a juicy cheeseburger for lunch.  It was out of the ordinary but I remembered what many of you said/wrote.  If your body craves it, just eat it.  Usually, I don't order a bun for the burger but yesterday, I wanted the works.  Bring on the bun!  Bring on the mayo, the ketchup, the everything!  It was the best burger I had and if I wasn't in the office, I would've licked my fingers after I was done.  Yummmmm.  Today, I was craving chicken tikki masala so after yoga this morning, I went to Whole Foods and bought some in the prepared food section.

7am with Alicia was hot hot hot!  I went back to my usual spot in the room, front row towards the wall, where it is warmer.  I encouraged The Husband to practice behind me since he usually practices closer to the window where it is cooler.  By half moon, I was drenched.  Whoa!  The Husband went down during the floor series.  As he lay in savasana while we did the poses, I looked over at him and saw that his entire face was beet red. 

It was a mental struggle by triangle but I managed to convince myself to stay strong by saying, "Your mind will quit before your body.  Just do it." And I did.  After triangle, some of my teachers say, "Let's bring the heart rate down," and we go straight in standing separate forehead to knee.  Because I need to be different  (note sarcasm), my heart rate jacks up!  By tree, I'm breathless and I have to really focus on getting my breath under control.  The mental struggle continued through the floor series and at locust, I was really trying to stay strong even though mind said, "Quit, quit, quit!"  My left knee in fixed firm felt a dull stretching pain more so than my right knee, which never happens!  And by the time we were done with the first set of camel, a wave of nausea hit me.  I panicked and no matter how much I tried to calm my mind, it won in the end and I laid out for the second set.  Today, I just couldn't push past the wall of nausea.  Just before head to knee stretching pose, I gulped down my water.  And I did it again before spine twist.  Yes, I must've pushed down whatever was coming up.  A part of me dreads days 30-60 if these are the days that pertain to emotional healing.  I wish I had BYC's resolve.  ::sigh::  I did the best I could today.  No judgments.  No attachments.  Tomorrow is another day.