ActionJoJo's World

This Blog Has Moved

2011-01-04T23:48:00.000-05:00

I have moved this blog to WordPress so check out my latest posts here.

Cheers,
ActionJoJo

Auditioned for Oprah's open casting call

2010-07-29T16:11:00.000-04:00

To be the next TV host for OWN! Check out my audition reel here.

Guest Blogger at Bikram101 Blog

2010-03-28T22:22:00.001-04:00

Day 79

Hi everyone!
I wrote a post for the Bikram 101 blog, which you can find here. Stop by, look around. Enjoy.

My life is insane but my daily practice has kept me grounded. I am so grateful. I miss you all and I promise, when things aren't crazy, I'll be back to blogging...but probably after this challenge is over.

I'm proud of all of us as we get closer to the finish line! I'm happy we did this all together. Namaste!

What I've Learned So Far

2010-02-27T23:16:00.001-05:00

Days FORTY ONE to FIFTY

Well friends, so much can happen in 9 days that it amazes me to think how much can and will happen in the remaining 51 days of this challenge. Let's see where to begin...

Comments on my practice:
My right knee no longer feels pain. Once in a while, my left knee feels like I applied icy hot to it after some classes. I feel strength in my quadriceps in a way I've never felt before. All parts of awkward are strong and I'm even managing to kick my heels up even higher in the 2nd part. The right knee feels strong. I am so happy.

I always seem to lose the 10-fingered bikram grip especially in standing forehead to knee. Otto called me out and instructed me to keep the heels of my hands together. It worked for the second set in standing forehead to knee, I nailed it with a firm grip. Three days later, he saw me losing my grip again and called me out again by saying, "Same thing as the other day my lady...you're losing your grip. You gotta break that bad habit." I haven't taken a class with Otto in months and this week, I've taken three. He has greatly improved as a teacher and for that I am grateful.

Out of nowhere, an emotional release occurred after the first set of camel in Corrine's class. I sobbed and my chest heaved. My neighbors could see I was bawling but I didn't care. For second set, I stayed in savasana while others did the sit up but during the set up, I heard Corinne prod me in her firm but gentle way, "ActionJoJo, second set. You'll feel better, yeah?" When a teacher...especially of Corrine's caliber, asks you to do something, you do it. I did it because I trusted her even when I couldn't find the strength in me to trust and believe in myself. In the second set, all I could do was kneel and put my hands to the back of my hips and push forward. I was still bawling. It was a powerful moment for me as I reaffirmed the important fact that I need to allow others to help me. I can't do everything on my own, as I tend to like to do thanks to my superwoman-complex (more on that later).

I feel more acutely and can physically see in the mirror, the imbalance between the right and left side of my body. My right is tighter and therefore, shorter in the mirror. I see it prominently when I sit Japanese style to set up for locust and rabbit, and in final breathing. The amount of skin between the bottom of my shakti top and the top of my shakti bottom is less on the right than on the left. Crazy! I hope these next 50 days will help in balancing me out.

My spine is changing and I can feel it. My spine cracks when I straighten up in half moon, both sides. My lower back cracks and then slowly releases as I set up for the first set of standing forehead to knee. I am entering a new phase in the spine strengthening series. In rabbit, when I start to pull on my heels, I can feel my spine cracking and realigning itself. I now am beginning to fully grasp why Bikram says, "You don't have to chase the chiropractor, chiropractor will come to you!" When I look in the mirror these days, I don't recognize my back. My thoracic spine has become more prominent and I see a slight curvature in my upper back whereas it was quite flat in the past.

Update on Life:
We signed a contract on the house and this last week has been spent negotiating with banks to find the best deal on a mortgage and the lowest closing fees. We admittedly lost sight of the fact that we needed to plunk down another $20,000 on closing costs in addition to the money we set aside for the downpayment. It definitely freaked The Husband out, which led him to asking what else have we've forgotten to budget for. Thankfully, The Husband is focusing on this part of the process: finding the mortgage, dealing with the lawyers, and reading the fine print. I dealt with the front end of this process by contacting the realtors so I feel we have divided the task of home buying that plays up to our strengths. In fact, he negotiated so well that today, we got a bank to agree to lock in an interest rate of 4.75%! Woot!!!! Now we go through the application process and sometime in the next 4-6 weeks, we close. That means we move, which means we pack! Acccccccccck!

I am up to my ears with work. I come in to the office and there are piles on my desk. I leave and there are old piles and new piles on my desk. I am grateful to have a temp helping me who is smart, quick, and self-sufficient. I am planning for our upcoming board meeting and planning for my own three week business trip to South Africa in mid-April through early May. Regardless of when we move, April is going to be mad mad crazy.

The Olympic athletes have inspired me to re-visit the bigger question of what it is that I want to do in my life, a life full of passion and fulfillment. There's something stirring in my heart...yearning to accomplish what I dream about in my career: one that involves travel and being in front of the TV. But how am I to fulfill this dream now that I have a mortgage?! Am I stuck now that I have such adult responsibilities? When is this career shift going to happen? We need to renovate the house: where are we going to find the time? the money? How about expanding our family -- when will we start? HOW AM I GOING TO GET ALL THIS DONE? HOW?! HOW?! HOW?!

Without this challenge, I think my mind would have been spinning its wheels worrying about how to accomplish all the goals in my life during this huge period of transition. But these last 50 days have shown me that like my body, my life will open up and unfold at precisely the right time. Everything will fall into place and when they do, I will be ready to embrace them. All I can do and all that I can be responsible for is today. Yes, I can dream of the future but I can only focus on the task at hand. Like our challenge, if we focus on accomplishing 101 days of straight yoga, it could paralyze us. But we take it one day at a time and the challenge becomes manageable and less daunting. Similarly, my body was not ready to have my forehead touch my knee on day #1 but with patience, surrender, and hard work, I am starting to do it on day #50.

So what I'm saying is that despite the craziness, the unknowns, the doubt, and yes, the fear, I have hung on to my faith. I am teaching myself patience and surrender despite my Aries tendencies of craving instant gratification. I can happily say that I feel peace and contentment and believe in my core that all will work out: a beautiful marriage, an expanded family, a renovated home, a fulfilling career, and a passion-filled life. All the pieces will fall into place and I really don't need to know how. I just need to work one day at a time, trying to fulfill my dream in the best way I know how.

I'm surprisingly okay with that.

For the purposes of my own record keeping, day:

#41 Thurs, Feb 18 - 7 am w/ Danielle - class was uneventful
#42 Fri, Feb 19 - 5:30 pm w/ Corinne - bawled during camel - great release
#43 Sat, Feb 20 - 10 am w/ Caroline - "In this yoga, you should struggle, not suffer." - Felt light afterward
#44 Sun, Feb 21 - 4:30 pm w/ Mark - first time taking his class...I enjoy the cadence of his dialogue and his NY Italian-American accent. He sounds like he is singing!
#45 Mon, Feb 22 - 6:30 pm w/ Mark - super juicy - if I wasn't in the front row, I would've taken a knee - but pushed myself...I think I was acting too proud in front of my fellow yogis. Half a$$ed some sets in the spine strengthening series.
#46 Tues, Feb 23 - 6:00 pm w/ Otto - strong forehead to knee thanks to a correction in order to maintai the classic bikram grip; "Vera Wang, Vera Wang!" Otto yelled during tree pose. He later explained, "Act as if you are wearing a Vera Wang gown, all $10,000 of it. Proud. Chest up, stomach in!" LOL -- I'll never look at tree pose the same way again.
#47 Wed, Feb 24 - 5:30 pm w/ Otto - mind was like jelly today & had to sit out one set of separate leg stretching and balancing stick. It also probably didn't help that I had a pastrami sandwich & french fries (which I never eat) for lunch; they sat like a stone in my stomach
#48 Thurs, Feb 25 - 6 pm w/ Becca - strong class and felt light afterwards
#49 Fri, Feb 26 - 5:30 pm w/ Otto - another strong class although there was a moment in pranayama when the women next to me where holding back giggles from something Otto said and I was getting affected. Found myself inhaling and giggling and exhaling and giggling at the same time. LOLOL
#50 Sat, Feb 27 - 4:30pm w/ Alina - drenched by pranayama but stayed strong

Inspiration

2010-02-17T23:05:00.001-05:00

Days THIRTY EIGHT, THIRTY NINE, FORTY

Have people been watching the Olympics? I have been so inspired by all the athletes but in particular, I marvel at Shaun White and the kind of pioneering moves he demonstrates on the halfpipe. My mouth just hangs open as I watch his height and the speed of his rotations.

The ice skaters are another group I simply have a new appreciation for now that I'm doing bikram yoga. I see lots of beautiful backbends in many standing spins and tons of foreheads to knees in sitting spins. Gosh. The struggle I have doing these backbends and foreheads to knees just standing still much less balancing and doing this while spinning on ice?

And last but not least, I have a newfound respect for Apolo Ohno and his zen attitude on the ice during competition. When he first came on the scene 8 years ago, I thought he was such a cocky kid but 8 years have made him grow and gain maturity and experience. He seems more confident now and just so at ease whenever he races. When the gun goes off, he starts but holds himself in the back off the pack and then watches and observes serenely. When you think he's not going to make his move, he jumps and gracefully glides by his competitors, passing them as if it was no big deal. It is so beautiful to watch him because he makes it look just so easy and natural. I kinda think I have a crush on him now! LOL

What these athletes do to push their bodies and train for these games is just incredible. Some are healthy and some are injured like poor Lindsay Vonn who manages to still win gold despite the severe shin injury. As someone who is injured, I wonder where it is you draw the line between pushing your body and taking care of it? I am happy that this yoga is teaching me where that line is.

#38, Alicia

Off for President's Day but The Husband and I decided to still go to 7am yoga and then off for a breakfast date to reward ourselves. We are happy we did. We were done with yoga, grocery shopping, and our breakfast by 11am and home by 12noon. Lots of chores on my list such as laundry and cooking for the week. We decided to indulge instead and took naps and ditched all the shores. What luxury -- all this time!

Class was solid although it wasn't as hot as it could've been. On days like today when the heat isn't up and in the morning, I focus on alignment and use more strength since I lack the flexibility of evening, juicy classes. The knee continues to bother me but somehow it feels better. I don't know...the tightness in the knee especially when sitting in Japanese style doesn't bother me anymore. I suppose it is less painful but maybe it's because I've learned that my knee sorts itself out eventually and the tightness goes away. Maybe I'm just becoming more accepting of my pain as part of myself, and coming to love it as part of me, rather than being disappointed and frustrated everytime it shows up. I don't know...

#39, Danielle

I had to drag my a$$ to class because the thought of doing another 61 days of bikram just was a little depressing. I am feeling a bit of lack of motivation...perhaps because the long weekend made it hard to get back into gear. What got me through a relatively uninspiring pranayama was thinking about those Olypmic athletes and the determination they must've had to training every day. Apparently, Apolo Ohno trained 12 hours a day for these Olympics! Insanity. Their hard work motivated me to stay focused and determined...as if these classes were preparing me for the yoga championships or even an Olympic yoga competition! It was a neat way to find new motivation. My legs felt like lead in awkward...so heavy but I tried to stick with it and managed to do the best I could today.

Despite the blase start, I was thrilled to discover that I can get my forehead to my knee in standing separate leg head to knee pose on both sides especially my tighter right side!!! I can't do it in the morning, but these evening classes, I can. Hooray! My front leg is totally bent but I don't care...I can finally get the forehead to my knee. And in head to knee pose, I can do it too. I am noticing that I can flex my toes even further back in this pose, in standing forhead to knee, and all the sit ups. I have also noticed that my spine/back cracks as if it is realigning itself in the first set of rabbit. When it does this, I feel such a great release that I actually look forward to rabbit these days rather than the dread I used to feel.

I also notice that the hair clip at the top of my head, although small and flat, managed to get in the way of some poses so I've started to take it off, beginning at fixed firm. In rabbit, this small adjustment has allowed the pinching sensation at the top of my head to go away and I can really focus on keeping the weight on my legs and keeping the tops of my feet down and my heels together. Isn't it amazing how the removal of even a small barrier, in this case a hair clip, that we create can make a world of difference?! Huh...who would've thunk.

#40, Kara

Super juicy class and I managed to set my mat up directly underneath a fan blowing hot air on me. In the mirror, I could see my hair blowing in the wind. I panicked and said to myself, "Sh*t. Is hot air going to blow all over me in class?" And then I laughed it off and enouraged myself to think that I was in the middle of the Sahara but more humid with a constant wind.

The Olympic athletes continue to motivate me so I had strong determination and focus in class today. By the end I was losing steam but managed to push myself and got my forehead to my toes in the third part of head to knee pose. I managed to get a compliment from Kara as a result. Another fantabulous day of touching my forehead to knee and both parts of awkward were okay. No pain. Hallelujiah!

It is Ash Wednesday today and it is my favorite time of the Roman Catholic liturgical year. These next forty days are a period of reflection and introspection, of giving more of ourselves to others, of fasting, in order to culminate in the joyous celebration of Easter. There are so many commonalities between my Catholic faith and my practice of bikram yoga...perhaps one future post will be about this. For now, all I will say is that the season of Lent and Easter remind me that every day we start anew, that we have an opportunity for rebirth. We die and are reborn metaphorically each day. With each new day is a clean slate, to be a better person, to live life passionately and peacefully, to forgive ourselves for past shortcomings, and to do the best we can. It is all we can ask of ourselves. I learn these lessons in the yoga room and they are further reinforced by my faith.

Everything Is Happening So Fast!

2010-02-14T23:34:00.000-05:00

Days THIRTY FIVE, THIRTY SIX, THIRTY SEVEN

First, Gung Hei Fat Choi!!!! Happy Chinese New Year!!! Welcome to the Year of the Tiger. All these holidays have come together so nicely that the color red works for both the Chinese New Year and V-Day.

So much is happening with our house purchasing process...negotiations happen quickly and lawyers want things now, now, now. Our realtor works for us and moves quickly. We have signed the contract and paid 50% of our downpayment. Now the seller has to sign the contract. It's time to find a mortgage!! We are hoping to close and move to the new house by March 31. March 31! The reason why we want to do this is because my job is sending me to South Africa at the end of April for two weeks -- hooray! But whoa, hello. Lots to deal with in the next several weeks.

I haven't had much time to blog and I'm trying to be good to myself and only do the best I can every day. If I don't get to blog, then it's okay! I do want to say that I miss you all. I haven't had a chance to read everyone's blogs and if I do, I don't have time to leave a comment. But I just want to let you know that I'm sending you all my positive energy for your practices and I know that I am receiving yours. Doing this challenge at this very hectic time has made it easier knowing that an entire community is doing this with me.

#35, Friday 5:30pm with Corinne

A second straight day with Corinne, which is awesome! Knee was clunky and it feels funny every time I go from bending it to straightening it. I had planned to a double today -- one in the morning and one in the evening but it didn't happen. I contemplated doing a back to back double in the evening but I just didn't feel like it. My legs and my knees felt totally off and I just didn't feel like going for a second class even though I could've mustered the strength to do it. Despite the instruction from Corinne yesterday, she said I still went too low today in triangle. She also took the time to explain and demonstrate standing separate leg head to knee because apparently half the class's hips were out of alignment. I know I have this problem...so I found it helpful to hear her say that it was important, as we came down that halfway down, the hip of the back leg has a tendency to want to open up. We have to really make a concerted effort to keep that back hip forward by keeping the back leg engaged and locked, weight on the front foot. Even though teachers are not supposed to demonstrate, I always find it helpful when some take a minute from class to do so. I get so much out of it!

#36, Saturday, 10am with Caroline

"I like your ice."

"Excuse me?" I say.

"Your ice. The ice in your water bottle. I was staring at it longingly in class."

One of two very sweet guys at my neighborhood studio said this to me. He just completed a thirty day challenge and decided to keep going! His name is Anthony and it's been great fun seeing him every weekend.

First set of awkward was suprisingly okay and Caroline teasingly told me that I was such a faker. I had told her before class about my knee pain that I've been experiencing this last week. She was encouraging and said that as I go deeper in the poses in a challenge, I am starting to open up old injuries. I told her how discouraged and unhealthy I felt and she told me that I was healthy. It was nice to hear. Well, by second set of awkward, my knee decided to scream. It was awful. Caroline told me to back off after she saw me grimace in pain. She had a wonderful nugget of wisdom today. She said, "In class, you should struggle in these poses but you shouldn't suffer." I thought the distinction was important to remember especially as I deal with knee pain.

The soreness in my left knee continued and I really tried to figure out which poses may aggravate it. I think triangle does and after paying attention today, I felt it after balancing stick!! I must focus on keeping my left leg locked in this pose.

In camel, in these last few classes, I feel like I am inches from seeing my feet. I can see the middle of my mat. So cool. Every time I go into this posture, I'm excited to see how far back I can see.

This morning before class, I woke up crying. I had dreamt of my paternal grandfather. He died when I was a child but he did visit us when I was very young. It was so good to talk to him in my dream and find out more about his life. And in my dream, my parents were talking to each other and good terms with each other. I woke up sad that my dream wasn't real, that I didn't have a chance to get to know my grandfather, and that my parents have a very icy relationship. I felt a big sense of loss and an appreciation for not taking life for granted.

#37, Sunday, 4:30 with Alina

Today at church is Worlwide Marriage Encounter so the couples at the 10am Mass got to renew their wedding vows. The Husband and I decided to attend this Mass and when we renewed our vows, I was a mess. I always get so emotional and The Husband lovingly calls me "a softie". We don't celebrate Valentine's Day but it was wonderful to take a moment to re-commit ourselves to each other and to our marriage, recognizing God's presence in our relationship.

New teacher Alina led a small class today. There must've been 6 of us in class, I think. Awkward was difficult today abut no pain! I could do both sets. Yay!!! It did briefly spasm after eagle and it still felt tight at the beginning of half tortoise but straightened itself out.

Solid class and I focused on my locked out leg in balancing stick and triangle. Wouldn't you know. I focused on keeping the leg fully engaged and locked and I feel no soreness in the left knee

These last several classes, I've refrained from water in class. I drink only after I set up to leave the room. So awesome to find stillness throughout the entire class. Not moving actually helps me calm my breathing faster rather than reaching for the water. The progress I've been feeling in this challenge has been incredible. My body is opening and releasing in wonderful ways. It has definitely been a struggle these last few days. Even though scheduling this challenge is getting harder, I know for certain that if it was not for this challenge, I would be far more stressed and high strung about this house buying process. I am happy that these 90 minutes gives me a chance of to decompress and to take things one breath at a time.

I. AM. HEALTHY.

2010-02-11T22:23:00.004-05:00

Day THIRTY FOUR

Omigosh! An awesome, unexpected surprise awaited me when I arrived at the studio for 7am class. Corinne was teaching because Danielle got stuck in the blizzard in Atlantic City! Loveee Corinne!! How funny that all the students who walked in the door had the same reaction as me. She definitely one of the favorites here at our studio. :)

I explained to Corinne about my knee pain and how I think it may be emotionally induced. She also said that if if there was a lot going on in my mind, I may not be always present in my practice and without presence, there is a lack of engagement in our bodies. I thanked her for her last week's correction on my triangle, which helped ease the pressure off my knees (she told me I was coming down too low). She then came around the desk and showed me how to set up for triangle properly. In order to ensure that the weight is on both legs, she told me to imagine a finger is pushing at the hip of my extended leg forward, forcing me to to bend my knee and come down. This way, my extended leg remains contracted, knee locked, butt tight, foot flat on the floor. Instead, I was bending my knee to get my hips down, putting most of the pressure on the bent leg and my knee. Setting up for triangle in class definitely helped take the pressure off...and I discovered that doing it this way, keeping that straight leg locked and engaged. Whoa! Totally different posture. My weight was evenly distributed and hello hips! You are opening!

My right knee today was okay. It is definitely getting better. I managed all parts of awkward, both sets. In the third part especially as I came down with my knees pressed together, I breathed and my mind said repeatedly, "RELAX, RELAX, RELAX." It did briefly spasm after second set of half tortoise and during the forward bends in half moon, the back of my knee wanted to lock out in pain. After class, both knees, felt like I applied icy hot or tiger balm to them! There was a hot ringing coming out of them. Was that a good thing? I don't know. The feeling went away after 30 minutes.

This is my second class where I didn't drink any water except at the end after final breathing. I think I will try to refrain from drinking until I leave the room next time. In final breathing, Corinne threw out what kept her going during teacher training. She said that final breathing was so long during teacher training (similar to how long we do it in our studio) and by that time she wanted to die. So during each exhale, she would chant in her head, "I. am. strong. I. am. strong. I. am. strong." to the beat. I decided I would follow-her lead and instead chant, "I. am. heal-thy. I am. heal-thy." In these last few days, I am finding these mantra, tied to my breath, have really been my saving grace especially in parts of my practice when I feel discouraged, frustrated, or afraid. These mantras leave no room to focus on the negative thought patterns or any thought patterns for that matter. There is only room for affirmation and breath.

I. AM. HEALTHY.

Moving Meditation

2010-02-10T23:29:00.013-05:00

Day THIRTY THREE

Greetings from blizzard stricken NYC! Well, at least this isn't the second blizzard we are experiencing within a week unlike the cities of Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington DC. My office closed at 12noon but I decided to stay since the place was empty and I got tons of work done uninterrupted!

5:30 class with Kara. She looked sad and when I asked her about it, she confirmed that there was stuff going on in her life but didn't go into great detail. She said that she was looking forward to teaching the back-to-back evening classes because once she gets herself teaching in the hot room, she manages to take a break from the reality around her. Isn't it amazing how both teachers and students have that shared experience in the room of being present? What I love about Kara are the little nuggets of wisdom or encouragement she occasionally throws out during class. At the end of one exhalation in pranayama, she said, "keep exhaling...keep exhaling...push everything out that doesn't serve you." With what I've been working through emotionally these last few days, her words were just what I needed to hear.

If this is the mental part of the challenge, then today my mind really was out to test me. I was going along just fine in class, strong and solid. And today is the first time I ever managed not to drink any water during class!! I did gulp down water just after final breathing although I'm sure I didn't need to do so.

I even managed to do all parts in the first set of awkward even though I couldn't sit too far down in the second part. In second set, my knee was screaming in the second part and I kept with it. By third part, it was in such pain that I couldn't even drop down and put my hands on the floor so I stood there with my arms up and tight. My standing forehead to knee was rock solid both sets (!!!!) and it totally made up for a tough awkward pose.

By the floor series, my mind started to crap out on me. I admittedly half a$$ed wind removing pose and started to half a$$ cobra but tried to fight it off. By half tortoise, my mind said, "QUIT QUIT QUIT. YOU ARE TIRED." I really was about to give up and it took all my mental determination to force myself to stick with it. What was bizarre was that the desire to quit left as quickly as it came. When my mind wants to quit, I find that it helps a lot to have a mantra. I did this last night. On the inhale, I thought, "Just." On the exhale, I thought, "Breathe." Repeat. Sometimes, I simply count. Inhale, "One, one, one." Exhale, "Two, two, two." The latter technique is something that Ben taught us.

In final savasana, somehow I started imagining myself on a beach and on the shore was a boat. There were a lot of heavy boxes surrounding the boat, labeled "anger", "resentment", "rage", "inflexibility", "impatience", "exasperation", and "hostility". I started to pick up these boxes and load them, one by one, on the boat. When I finished, I shoved the boat into the sea. And then I imagined myself like Father Wind. With every inhale, I sucked in the air and the boat came close back to shore. But every exhale was more powerful than the inhale and the boat got pushed further out than where it started. I kept doing that for several breaths until the boat slowly got smaller and smaller. It eventually became a dot on the horizon and with another breath, it disappeared. This meditation, which combined the mind, the emotions, and the body, was so powerful. I really felt like I was on that beach...wind and sunburnt after doing all that heavy work. I felt so light as I watched the boat disappear. Tonight, my knee felt so much better, so much happier.

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

2010-02-09T23:17:00.004-05:00

Day THIRTY TWO

A teacher with a good sense of humor really makes a difference! 6pm with Ben was a class where things just flowed. He has a way of teaching that makes everything flow. The way he delivers dialogue, the way we transition from one posture to the next or between sets. It's really nice. He often doesn't say "change" so taking Ben's class means you really have to listen.

My knee was still expressing itself and the last two parts of awkward was just not happening for me today. Tightness abounded still and in final breathing, the tightness finally released as I sat Japanese style. The one improvement was toe stand, right side. I was able to get myself upright in this pose whereas these last two days, I couldn't even get myself to fully bend my knee and lift my heel off the floor.

Despite the creaky painful knee, class today was energizing and smooth and strong. Pranayama felt so great, I could've gone on doing it forever. I nailed it on both sides of standing forehead to knee both freakin' sets! I couldn't believe it!!! I've never done that before. ThedancingJ's post on creating a cramp in the kicking leg really helped improve this posture for me. I heard it in the dialogue, for sure, but I think I kinda ignored it because it sounded counter-intuitive. But after reading J's explanation, which reminded me of the fact that this entire yoga is counter-intuitive, it made a whole lot of sense. Thank you again J for your tremendous insight! I cannot wait till I take a class you are teaching. :)

Before class, I hugged my right leg close to my chest and kissed my right knee a few times. I talked to it, asked it for forgiveness, and promised I wouldn't judge it no matter what it decided to do in class today. I was going to be compassionate towards myself especially as major life changes loom imminently on the horizon.

I'm going to own my first house. My mother is going to live directly above us in the upper apartment while we live in the lower apartment. I'm going to have to pack up and move out of this apartment I've lived in for 8 years. I'm going to commute longer to work and longer to yoga which means waking up earlier which in turn means sleeping earlier which ultimately means having less time. I'm going to move to a more suburban neighborhood that is quieter and does not have the conveniences compared to my neighborhood now. Our household budget will change thanks to a mortgage and the likelihood of purchasing a car. Belts need to be tightened. Dinners out, theater tickets, and shopping for clothes will all be a luxury. Wait a minute? I asked for this?! I signed up to mow the lawn and rake the leaves and repair myself all the things that break in the house????

I was never one who feared changed. In fact, I used to revel in it in my 20s...so much so that I think I was running away from something back then. In my 30s, I settled down. I became more comfortable in my own skin. And I actually began to want to put down some roots. Change is still not scary to me. Although I'll admit, I'm beginning to find it inconvenient. It's amazing how living in the same place for 8 years can really cause serious inertia. As thedancingJ wrote:

Change is always uncomfortable, and often painful. It's so much easier to stay the way we are. Stay in the same posture. Stay in the same job, the same relationship, the same apartment, the same city. It's easier that way. But in yoga, we practice moving into discomfort, and we find out that it's not such a scary place after all. (You thought it was going to hurt, but instead it made your body feel better.)

In other words, we learn courage.

As I type, I acknowledge the silence before the storm of change arrives. I will bring what I have learned in the sweat box to my life and remember those instances when camel brought forth nausea. With breath, compassion, and determination, I will be fine amidst the chaos and the discomfort. I will weather through this change step by step...or as thedancingJ put it, "One Standing-Head-toKnee at a time."

Forgiveness

2010-02-08T23:32:00.003-05:00

Day THIRTY ONE

Wah wah wah!!! Reading my last two posts, you would think I was the biggest whiner on the planet!! Gad!!! Thanks for letting me vent folks. I really needed to get all of it on my chest.

7am with Alicia was similar to last night's class. My right knee still felt tightness and incredible pressure from within. Yesterday's poses that gave difficulty gave me difficulty again today. One thing I decided to do differently was to sit through the tightness for both sets of final breathing. By the time I lay in final savasana, the back of my knee spasmed. Ugh!! It's been spazzing out all day just like yesterday.

As I reflected on my recent knee pain and after re-reading my last two posts, I came upon an affirmation that The Healer once told me. My knee pain is not due to anything amiss physically/structurally/mechanically. In fact, it was emotional. My knees, he told me, were indicators of my emotional state of being. They are where I hold my stress and they express themselves, or whine, as a signal to me to pay attention to something that is wrong.

If The Healer would've told me this years earlier, I would've thought that he was out of his mind. How can my emotions cause my pain? With his help, my own healing journey has made me believe that our bodies are like maps. They hold the histories of our life experiences in all forms: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. When we suppress negative mental states of being or emotions, they get trapped within our bodies causing pain and chronic disease. One time, The Healer was dealing with my chronic back pain issues and he used tui na to treat it. Taking his elbow, he plowed into the grain of my back from below the shoulder blade all the way down to my glute and down my hamstring all the way down to the back of my knee (our body is one muscle), the areas that were injured and causing me great pain. When he first did this, I was howling in pain. He marveled at my reaction because he said, “I’m barely applying any pressure. What the heck did you do to your back? The stuff that is stuck in here is old…5 years old. What was going on in your life 5 years ago?” I recalled back to 5 years earlier: it was indeed an awful time in my life. I felt like I was living a lie, living a double life by suppressing the truest part of myself and showing what others wanted to see from me. The treatment continued for at least 15 minutes and while I screamed in pain at first, the screaming eventually turned to crying, and then full out gut-wrenching sobbing. It was like a dam within me broke and the river of tears flowed freely. When The Healer was done, I said to him, "I felt like I should’ve cried those tears five years ago." He simply nodded in agreement. After two more treatments of tui na on my back, I’ve never experienced back pain again.

Similarly, The Healer told me that pain in my knees may be caused by emotional states of lacking flexibility and compassion especially towards others but more importantly, towards myself. I’ve been feeling this way for a long time and it is no wonder, he said, that my knee injury started 19 years ago when I was just a teenager. A locked out knee means it is inflexible…it is solid, concrete, unbroken, like a lamppost, right? Well, the emotional equivalent of inflexibility can be expressed physically in a knee that has trouble bending.

It is hard to deny the strong connection between my recent knee trouble and the incident with my mother and all the emotions it stirred within me. It was further reaffirmed after reading lynxofsilver’s comment about the connection between emotional and physical pain. Like The Healer, Louise Hay has written a wonderful book called “You Can Heal Your Life” and she writes that every physical ailment in the body is attributable to some emotional or mental state of being. Read a review about it here.

Riding the subway home, I just focused on being more compassionate towards myself. I tried to forgive and love myself for all that emotions that I have felt these last few days. Why is it that we cannot forgive ourselves as easily as we forgive others? As I tried to go through the process of forgiveness, I started to cry on the subway. I didn’t care. I’ve learned not to care what other people think especially if I will heal from this release. On the walk, home I was bawling. I had a good cry for 10 minutes and afterwards, I made peace with the events of last week and my reaction to them. Wouldn’t you know? Hours after that cleansing cry, my knee feels a million times better than it did these last 48 hours.

Caroline, a teacher at my neighborhood studio once said during class, "Pain is a gift. It increases our self-awareness. It tells us that there is something wrong and that we need to pay attention to it so that we don't hurt ourselves even further. So be grateful for your pain, for your injuries. They protect you from harming yourself further.” She is so right.

So thank you knees for being my emotional and mental barometer. Without you as my safety net, I would spiral downwards. Forgive me. I am learning to listen to you. I am learning to be kind to myself. Bear with me as I learn this hard lesson and I know you'll let me know when I'm going in the wrong direction. And when you do, let me remember to be compassionate towards you and your message.

Resentment...Yep, There It Is

2010-02-07T23:03:00.005-05:00

Day THIRTY

My knee, my knee, my knee. Throughout this challenge, my right knee seemd to be on the mend. I did not feel any pain and slowly but surely, I was going deeper into poses that I couldn't even do when I first started this yoga: all parts of awkward; toe stand; fixed firm, sitting Japanese style in half tortoise, rabbit, final breathing.

Last night in final breathing, I could not sit Japanese style after the first set. I had to cross my legs. Today, my knee felt the old tightness and full of pressure from within. The first set of awkward was painful and served as a litmus test for my knees for this class. As lynxofsilver once described her knees, they whined. I couldn't put all my weight on toe stand and by the first set of half tortoise, I could feel myself favoring my left side by putting all my weight on it. Somehow, my knee righted itself in the second set and the rest of class. After class, it spasm after an hour of sitting. And walking right now, it feels tight and totally uncomfortable. GOOD TIMES!!!

Admittedly, it is a depressing to come such a long way with no pain and suddenly, it comes back out of nowhere. I thought my knee was healing!!! Argh!!!!! I am really annoyed. And of course, my mind goes nuts. Maybe it's because you skipped a day. You should've kept going. Nothing else is different except the one day you didn't go. It's all your fault that your knees are in pain. They hurt because you missed. Isn't the mind an amazing thing? How did I go from re-experiencing knee pain to it being my fault?

I go back to missing that one day. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself but I am. I know it is stupid of me to think of yoga over my sick mom who needed me more. And even more so, I feel so embarrassed and guilty that I actually did think this way. Thanks to 20/20 hindsight, I feel a new emotion: resentment. I know my mother well enough to know that her health issue was not major when she called on Thursday night. She did not need to go to the ER for goodness sakes woman! All she needed to do was calm down. Easier said than done for someone who doesn't suffer from anxiety and catastrophic thinking. I've learned the signs of a panic attack. I've learned the irrationality of her fears and the inability to assuage them myself. I could've taken 90 minutes to go to yoga before returning to the hospital. I wanted to take care of myself first on Friday but instead, I chose to give it all up for someone else. I wish I did take care of me. Deep down, I am resentful at her for being so needy and even more so, I am angry at myself for making the decision to completely give into her neediness. I should've known! How could I fall for this again?! Why did I choose to listen to her?! The resentment is there even though it is just a kernel. Several years of therapy has helped reduce that resentment to what it is now. Formerly, it was a massive, pulsing ball of RAGE.

Days 30-60 are to be emotional, healing, eh? What a way to start these next 30 days. There are still so many emotions and issues buried deep inside me. The recurring one still exists: resentment at mom for being who she is -- panicky, anxious, emotional, and irrational. She is so many other wonderful things: independent, strong, and accomplished. She is such a different person when she caves into her irrational fear and I become a different person too in response to her. I lose all compassion. That is a tough thing to say when you are talking about your own mother.

Happy to Be Back

2010-02-06T23:26:00.008-05:00

Downtown Flushing prepares to celebrate Chinese New Year

Day TWENTY NINE

We all stood up. Just before pranayama breathing, Kara said, "Take a moment to be present in the room and look into the eyes of your own best teacher." I did just that. And suddenly my eyes welled up with tears. During pranayama, I let the tears fall. During the exhales, I could feel the tears sliding down the side of my face, by my ears. It has been an emotional 48 hours and already, just as the 5pm class started, I was already releasing what needed to be released.

I don't know if I wrote it in my last entry, but on Thursday morning, The Husband and I put an offer on the house that we saw on Saturday. Within an hour, our agent called us back and said the owner accepted our offer. What?! Really? That fast? My heart skipped a beat as I thought about this new chapter of our lives starting and closing the old one behind. Within 6 hours of that news and the implications of all that came with it, I was driving my mother to the emergency room. We were both so focused on her health, that it was only on Friday that she found out about the offer.

Although I knew I had to get back to the hospital on Friday, I did wake up and wonder when I could fit in my yoga class. How could I be thinking about yoga at a time like this? Well, because I was doing so well, going every day, it was my 28th day. I didn't want to skip a day of yoga. And then, I shook my head and marveled that I could think of yoga as my mom lay in a hospital bed. So then I felt guilty for thinking of my yoga before my mother. I made a deal with myself: if I could get to yoga after my mother is discharged, I'll go to the latest class offered in this city no matter which studio it was in. Well, that never happened. So I went home last night at 9pm feeling happy that my mom was alright and her issue was nothing serious but sad that my streak was broken. Sure, I could do a double. But I really wanted to go every day for 101 days straight. Then I felt angry at myself, "Why are you feeling bad when this was an emergency and there was a good reason for you not going today?!" Because I wanted to go to yoga today even though my mom was sick. A little voice inside me said.

Even though this challenge has been tough at parts, exhilarating at parts, boring at parts, it has been the one consistent thing that I have done for myself this last month and the benefits have been incredible. As my life starts to change with the prospect of home ownership and this sudden need to take my mother to the hospital, this yoga has been one of the very few things that I can hold on to while my life changes and events happen that demand more of my time. The yoga room is where I decompress, where I still my mind, where I focus, where I take the deepest breaths of my day. And on a day when my mom was sick and I was worried, sleepless, and stressed, I looked to my practice for calm, for a release, for peace.

After having practiced for 27 days straight, one day of missing yoga definitely felt strange and my body missed it. Looked for it. Yearned for it. So today, back in the sweat box, I cried at pranayama. Partly because I asked myself to be compassionate to me. It is OKAY to miss a day. Be easy on yourself. It was an emergency. All that mattered was that I came back ready to work, to sweat, and to let go.

Gratitude

2010-02-05T23:40:00.001-05:00

Waiting

Days TWENTY SEVEN & TWENTY EIGHT

5:30pm with Corinne on Thursday, day #27. I think Corinne is my favorite teacher and I've missed her since she hasn't taught at my studio since the new year. Today she was back and awesome as usual. Class was super juicy and I was sweating by pranayama and drenched by half moon. It was also the first day of my period (sorry guys if this is TMI) and by the floor series, I got my usual back pain associated with the first day. During the poses, I was fine because I was active. It was in the savasanas where I was could feel the pain getting worse. By the end of class, I had to run to my locker and take two Advil. Since practicing bikram 11 months ago, my pain has decreased. The pain in my lower back used to be so overwhelming that I would be paralyzed. I would have hot flashes and then cold sweats within minutes, and the pain would radiate down my the front of my legs. It would take 12 Advil, yes 12 Advil, over the course of 8 hours to make the pain go away. With bikram, I am down to 2 Advil or 4 at most during the course of 8 hours...it is a vast improvement. And all the PMS symptoms I used to feel are now gone. Without a doubt, this bikram has been healing.

Class was good overall. Nice and juicy and Corinne was her usual energetic self. She told me that I was going too low in triangle and that I shouldn't be bending my knee as much as I am. She encouraged me to go deeper in my halfmoon backbend and complimented me on half tortoise.

I got home at 9pm and within an hour, I got a call from my mother. She had a 102 degree fever and the left side of her face was so swollen, she said she looked like she had the mumps. She started to panic and she desperately wanted to go the emergency room to find out why her face was getting swollen. She also compained of chest pain. I know my mother...her chest pain is a symptom of her anxiety and her panic attack not her heart. Nevertheless, I also know when she has a panic attack nothing but the advice of a doctor will ease her mind. So at 11:30, I picked her up and drove her to the emergency room. Mind you, I had to rent a ZipCar because I know a trip to the ER would take hours and I wasn't taking the subway at 11pm or going home in the wee hours of the morning via public transport.

After tons of tests, the doctors told me to go home at 4:30am and to come back tomorrow. I got home at 5am, slept for a few hours and then got back to the hospital at 12noon. It was determined that her heart was fine and the swelling was due to a saliva duct getting blocked and infected. The doctor told her she needed to drink at least 2 liters of water daily to flush things out. She's on antibiotics and at 6pm, she was finally discharged after she was given a clean bill of health especially by the cardiologist. By the time we got home and I went to the pharmacy to pick up her medication, it was 7:30pm and there was no way I was getting bikram in today, day #28. So I'll just have to do a double.

Spending a night in the hospital is no fun. As I looked around at all the sick people, I suddenly became grateful for my bikram practice. This practice is insurance for a healthy body today and tomorrow. I have so many issues about the way our country views health and addresses healing, which gets reflected in our current health care system. Even though I missed bikram on day #28, I am grateful for so many things: my mom's issue was not serious and she is currently resting at home. I am also very grateful for my practice that has provided me incredible healing of mind, body, and spirit. I want to live to a ripe old age doing the things that I love with a healthy body that has been cared for and maintained.

Letting Go

2010-02-03T23:49:00.003-05:00

Day TWENTY SIX

7am today with Alicia was like night and day from last night's class with Danielle. I was stiff, stiff, stiff as a board. First backward bend was painful. Lacked balance in second part of awkward. Fell out of eagle. Couldn't get my forehead to the floor in standing separate leg stretching. My knees were sore. The back of my right knee was feeling a dull pain. My body from yesterday felt like a well-tuned, well-oiled car and today, it was traded in for a jalopy. The difference was so stark that it was startling especially within just 11 hours. I never cease to marvel at how this practice teaches us to just go with the flow and take it day by day. I am happy to say that even though I was so stiff today I practiced with no judgment and didn't berate myself for not doing this or not doing that. It felt no natural to just accept and do the best I could. I feel like I've grown so much since I first began this practice 11 months ago when I would've been so easily frustrated and berated myself. This kind of letting go has been one of the joyous benefits of doing this yoga.

The Cycle Continues

2010-02-02T23:47:00.007-05:00

My new Le Crueset 5-quart braiser!!!! Sooo excited to use it!

Day TWENTY FIVE

We arrived home at midnight last night and we didn't get to bed until 1am. My intention was to go to 7am again today but there was no way it was happening since I took the 7am yesterday and only slept 4 hours. I made previous plans with friends, one of whom was coming from out of town, but because of this challenge and how things worked out, I could only spend 30 minutes with my friends and then get to 8pm yoga. Well, my out-of-town friend was more than 45 minutes late and I had to leave the group without even seeing her. My friends were trying to convince me to stay, have another drink, and do a double tomorrow. I really was tempted but the thought of skipping a class by choice after now having gone 24 days straight did not appeal to me now that I've come this far and gained all this momentum.

I didn't like the idea of practicing so late during the week but 8pm with Danielle was a surprise. My muscles felt like cottage cheese during the warm up and all the way through standing bow. I just felt like they were jello and I had no strength but boy, did I have flexibility. I went quite deep in half moon and all my forehead to knee poses were the best they've ever been. By the time we we got to the floor series, I seemed to get a second wind. I got a nice compliment and adjustment in full bow. The increased flexibility was a whole new experience and I am in awe that my body was so open tonight.

By the time class was done and I left the studio it was 10pm. I didn't get home until 11pm. Ugh! I walked in the door and it was time to go to bed. It was a weird feeling but I was so giddy from class that The Husband remarked how much energy I had. It's too bad I had to go to bed right away for 7am tomorrow. I feel like all I do these days is work, eat, sleep, and yoga. Repeat.

Can I Just Close My Eyes?

2010-02-01T23:00:00.002-05:00

This is what I wanted to do all day!

Day TWENTY FOUR

It was a real struggle to get to 7am with Alicia. Normally, once my head hits the pillow, I'm out. Last night, my mind was buzzing thinking about the house we saw the day before. After tossing and turning, I looked at the clock last night and saw that it was 1 am! Four hours and 45 minutes before I had to wake up. Great.

This morning, I snoozed a little longer than I wanted. The Husband was not happy either. We both didn't want to get up. But we had to because if we didn't, there would be no yoga today. Tonight, we are looking at the house again, this time bringing our family. There we were, a disgruntled pair getting our things together in a more rushed manner since we snoozed longer. Alicia was her perky self when she saw us walk in and out of politeness, we said hello and smiled. I did admit to her that we were big grumps as I kicked my shoes off and let them lie on the floor in a haphazard manner and it took all my effort to fix them. I didn't seem to care.

There were 14 students in class and half of them were boys! I've never practice where there are equal or more boys in bikram before today. It was a different dynamic -- not good, bad, just different. Today in class there was a Guido, Gaston, and a Ryoko in my class. I felt like I was in the UN. ;)

Anyway, I was NOT into bikram today. In pranayama, my mind wandered around telling myself that it didn't want to be there. In half moon, it said that it was not interested in bending the spine in four directions and that stretching feeling I feel on my side is not fun. In awkward, it was not happy going through all those poses and by eagle, I was falling out. I was still feeling uninspired by standing forehead to knee although I stayed in the full expression of the pose on the right side. In standing bow, I kept falling out and in the second set with right arm up, as I was down and parallel to the floor, I tried to kick up higher and I felt a pinching in my back, just below my right shoulder blade. I grimaced as I fell out. Whoa, what's going on there?!?

In triangle left side, I was feeling the wonky stuff I've been feeling in my left knee. I had to remind myself to use my elbow to push my left knee back to help protect it. In fixed firm I couldn't go down all the way in the first set because my left knee! Whoa...the tightness was incredible and the stretching feeling was almost overwhelming but I reminded myself to breathe and relax. I was able to go down fully in the second set. Since class, my left knee feels like it has been stretched out like a rubber band that has lost its elasticity. It doesn't hurt but it feels like something is radiating out of it. Not pain but something. I just feel it. Maybe I should ice it.

My right knee on the other hand is surprisingly fine. In fact, it is doing so well that I was very happy in toe stand, right side. I was able to balance on my foot and managed to put both hands up even for a slow, silent clap. This my friends, is progress. Wow. When I first started bikram, I could only get my hands to the floor and barely bend my right knee because of the pain. Heck, when I started bikram, bending my knee in wind removing pose and head to knee with stretching pose was painful and sitting on my heels Japanese style, fuhhgeddabout it.

And my upper back --- whoa! Sore sore sore! Since I lack flexibility in my upper back, I feel soreness in this area every 5-7 days. I know this is a good since as I hope my upper back continues to open up slowly and surely.

I am really loving camel these days - can you believe it? Really focusing on keeping my chest lifted has changed the posture for me incrementally but it feels like a whole new posture. I feel awesome doing it. I'll have to remember these peaks when one day I'm in a valley. Besides camel, this was just another meh practice. I guess there are just some days when I won't be feeling inspired like today and the last few days. I feel like I'm just slogging through right now. I know this is just a phase that will pass.

Reverse

2010-01-30T22:56:00.036-05:00

War wounds!

Day TWENTY TWO

After months of looking, The Husband and I saw a house with our realtor that showed real promise. I don't want to talk about it for fear of jinxing things but it was one of those things where we walked into the house and The Husband and I looked at each other and said, "Hmmm...I can see us living here." One of my co-workers told me that this house hunting experience was going to be similar to shopping for a wedding dress: you just get a feeling that this is the one. I guess the only difference is that many women can buy and wear the same wedding dress but only one owner can buy that one house. :-/

10am with Caroline. It was a good class and it was generally uneventful -- didn't feel awesome, rock-my-world nor did I feel terrible, awful, etc. It was just okay. I found myself slipping in triangle again...and in this studio, we step to the left side of our mat and we do the poses on the carpet. Hmmm...maybe yesterday wasn't about my slippery mat but about not keeping everything engaged and super tight. When we got to the first set, right side head to knee with stretching pose, Caroline exclaimed, "ActionJoJo, what are you doing?!" She corrected me big time when we went to the left. In an effort to try to get my forehead to my knee and bending my leg as much as I can, she said that I was going into the pose in the reverse. I have been bending my leg, tucking in my chin, getting forehead to knee, and then reaching around my foot to get into the bikram grip. Well, I'm to reach down, grab my foot, bend forward and then inf my forhead to my knee doesn't touch, then bend it. She told me later in the locker room, "All you're doing is tucking your chin in! You're spine is changing day by day if you get into the posture right." Thanks Caroline for always being immensely helpful! Namaste!

Even if You're Covered In Lotion

2010-01-29T23:55:00.049-05:00

Me in my colorful Incan hat!

Too bad you can't see the little balls attached on a string to the bottom of the ear flaps.

I had no idea the camera timer would take 3 consecutive pictures

so this is the 2nd one of me talking to The Husband after I thought the camera was done.

DAY TWENTY-ONE

The frigid chill has returned to NYC. It is 16 degrees outside; with the wind chill, it feels like 1. That's cold yo! It was one of those days where thermal underwear is your friend. And I am especially grateful for Bikram!

5:30 with Kara. Every time Kara said "lift your chest", I imagined myself with a harness strapped around my torso as George said. Kara said it in pranayama as we exhaled and I lifted my chest and brought my elbows to touch, I heard her say, "Beautiful ActionJoJo." It felt so natural and easy and fluid. Today felt like the deepest backward bend I ever did in half moon. I lifted my chest and managed to pull my arms further back along the wall and down towards the carpet as I pushed my hips forward. And in camel. Yeah, it was a fantastic two sets of camel with my chest lifted.

I found myself slipping in triangle. At my studio, we go to the top of our mats and then make a quarter turn to the right when we're done with the balancing series. We do this because there is just no room for all of us to step to the left side of our mats. If we did that, we would be on another person's mat. We practice inches apart from each other here at my regular studio. Anyway, the towel on my mat had shrunken and when I stepped out there I was on my slippery mat. Good times. I've heard some of my teachers say that I should be able to do bikram even if I'm covered in lotion...so slippery mat, no problem! In toe stand right side, I am starting to be able to get myself upright with my left foot in the crease of my hip, firmly placed there.

My bikram stigmatas were killing me today. I noticed them especially in camel as I knelt down. The ones on the tops of my feet are especially painful in fixed firm. Finally, I took the care to swivel carefully on my behind because I do not want any more butt burn!

Uplifted

2010-01-28T23:48:00.007-05:00

"I Do Love You" by Jander Lacerda, my friend.

J - The Husband and I are honored to have this painting hanging in our bedroom.

Day TWENTY

It's official. As described by the Missus and like many of you, I have bikram war wounds too. There they are on both my knees, the top of my right foot and even the top of my right toes. Interestingly, nothing on my left foot or toes...hmm...it makes me wonder if I am not pressing down hard enough on my left. I also have something that I have yet to hear others say they have: I have butt burn. Yes. Butt burn. Due to the constant swiveling around on a wet towel after each pose to quickly get into savasana, I have rug...errr...towel burn in the fleshy part where the lower glute muscles meet the top of my hamstrings. It is the part of skin that is just exposed after my shakti shorts ends. I just put lotion on all these dry parts and owie! The butt burn stings!!!

The cravings continue. Last night, I stopped and bought a New York slice of cheese pizza. I haven't eaten pizza in years! Today for lunch, I craved Eggs Benedict and looked for a place that made it near my job. Thankfully, a local diner served it and I inhaled the stuff with such glee that I thought, "Is this what it is like for pregnant women to have cravings?" I'm not pregnant so I still chalk it up to the yoga.

It snowed during 7am class with George. The Husband and I love George. There's something about the way he teaches that makes us more honest about our practice. It's too bad that he doesn't regularly teach morning classes. I'm trying to convince to teach at least one weekday class in the morning but I don't know how successful I'll be. Perhaps I need to get a group of us from the morning to write comments to the studio owner and ask for George.

The Husband joined me again today, after just attending yoga yesterday. I also managed to convince him to practice in the second row. I moved back, he moved up. We compromised our usual spots and we literally met in the middle. It was a physical reflection of our relationship. :)

George teased The Husband just before we started and said, "Now that you are in the second row, we are going to make you work harder!" The Husband jokingly acted as if to retreat to the back row but I know for George, he works harder. Isn't it amazing how some teachers inspire you to work harder? When I fell out of standing forehead to knee, he looked at The Husband and said, "Now that ActionJoJo fell out, you are going to have to make up for that." Ha!

Today was a strong class and no signs of nausea from last class. George adjusted me slightly when we were in the left side of triangle. I have a tendency to bring my right upstretched arm towards 11 o'clock when it should really be pointing straight up, at midnight. He fixed that and rotated my head so that my chin closer to my shoulder. George also watched me like a hawk in standing separate forehead to knee. I realized today that I am able to get my locked arms behind my ears, which helps me to tuck my chin to my chest and keep it down as I round myself down (like an angry halloween cat or as if there was a bar or a beach ball underneath me...as my teachers like to say). He advised me to keep rounding my back and as I reach my lowest point, to keep rounding it even more by sucking the stomach in. If only then, if my forehead still doesn't touch my knee, he said to bend my knee but not too soon or else I'll never teach my back to round itself as much as possible. I also realize when I bend my knee in this pose, my hips go out of alignment and I've had corrections from several teachers to stick the hip of my bent leg back up but when I do that, I lose the contact between my forehead/bridge of my hose to knee.

Before the balancing series, Alicia always explains the goal of keeping the knee locked and advises not to progress until we've achieved that goal. "Never build a house on rocky foundation," she would say. And it seems that I have built a rocky foundation when it comes to forehead to knee. I've never really forced myself to round my back, making it stretch and open properly. I realized this especially during separate leg stretching, when I started to kick my right heel out an inch and then another inch while keeping the bikram grip and my forehead to my knee!! I'm so glad I "started over" in this pose because the progress has been so quick in just a few days.

For camel, George told us to keep lifting our chest up as we inhale and not just let the spine collapse backward. He asked us to envision a harness attached to our torso and that we were being lifted up into the air. When I imagined it, I envisioned myself flying with angel wings attached to my back and arms outstretched surrendering to the flight. It made me smile and lift my chest. Maybe this is why camel wasn't so bad today.

Spoke Too Soon

2010-01-27T17:48:00.000-05:00

At the office. I spend all day sitting down in front of a computer.

Day NINETEEN

Did I say that 7am classes weren't that hot? Did I say that I didn't crave meat and was reaching for grains and beans instead? Well I take it all back because yesterday and today just made a liar out of me.

Yesterday, I craved a juicy cheeseburger for lunch. It was out of the ordinary but I remembered what many of you said/wrote. If your body craves it, just eat it. Usually, I don't order a bun for the burger but yesterday, I wanted the works. Bring on the bun! Bring on the mayo, the ketchup, the everything! It was the best burger I had and if I wasn't in the office, I would've licked my fingers after I was done. Yummmmm. Today, I was craving chicken tikki masala so after yoga this morning, I went to Whole Foods and bought some in the prepared food section.

7am with Alicia was hot hot hot! I went back to my usual spot in the room, front row towards the wall, where it is warmer. I encouraged The Husband to practice behind me since he usually practices closer to the window where it is cooler. By half moon, I was drenched. Whoa! The Husband went down during the floor series. As he lay in savasana while we did the poses, I looked over at him and saw that his entire face was beet red.

It was a mental struggle by triangle but I managed to convince myself to stay strong by saying, "Your mind will quit before your body. Just do it." And I did. After triangle, some of my teachers say, "Let's bring the heart rate down," and we go straight in standing separate forehead to knee. Because I need to be different (note sarcasm), my heart rate jacks up! By tree, I'm breathless and I have to really focus on getting my breath under control. The mental struggle continued through the floor series and at locust, I was really trying to stay strong even though mind said, "Quit, quit, quit!" My left knee in fixed firm felt a dull stretching pain more so than my right knee, which never happens! And by the time we were done with the first set of camel, a wave of nausea hit me. I panicked and no matter how much I tried to calm my mind, it won in the end and I laid out for the second set. Today, I just couldn't push past the wall of nausea. Just before head to knee stretching pose, I gulped down my water. And I did it again before spine twist. Yes, I must've pushed down whatever was coming up. A part of me dreads days 30-60 if these are the days that pertain to emotional healing. I wish I had BYC's resolve. ::sigh:: I did the best I could today. No judgments. No attachments. Tomorrow is another day.

Brush the Ceiling

2010-01-27T00:38:00.000-05:00

Day EIGHTEEN

6pm with Ben, who I've only had once before today. Lots of students like him and he definitely has an energy about him different from any other teacher I've had. Today, was a PACKED class. And I mean PACKED TO THE GILLS. There must've been 70 people in the studio; it was at maximum capacity. When we didn't think we could fit any more, a few more stragglers came in and everyone had to readjust their mats. Ben said, "Is there a sale today that I don't know about?! Why is everyone here?!" The podium in the front of the room was removed to accommodate two more students. When it was removed, Ben said, "This means I don't have any place to sit during class! Ok, I know. I don't get anyone's sympathy." People laughed. There must've been only an inch between mats. Towels overlapped with other towels to the point that the carpet was covered. I couldn't see the dark blue line. In crowded classes like this, it is hard stand on the dark blue line. We often hafe to stagger ourselves to not be on top of each other. Despite the crowd, people were surprisingly upbeat and friendly and accommodating. In fact, the energy in the room was great! During pranayama, it was sooooo awesome to hear H-A "ha" sounds being exhaled from 70 mouths. If 70 mouths and bodies create awesome energy, I can only imagine what 300 must feel like moving together! I was drenched already after pranayama. We all were. It was going to be a juicy class!

I had a strong class: I was focused, my mind was empty, and I moved fluidly. And Ben really kept us going. At half moon pose, before raising our arms up, he said, "Imagine you have paint brushes at the tip of your middle finger. Reach down and raise your arms as if your brushing the side walls and now up to the ceiling....as you bend your body right and left to warm up, reach up and paint the ceiling and flow from one side to the left." It was a beautiful image. By full locust, he instructed us to extend our arms put our hands in inappropriate places. That got a laugh out of the class. As we were in the first set, I heard him say to a male student, "Boss. Keep you hand up there. Yeah, in her mouth. That's okay, she likes it." In savasana, we busted out laughing.

I think I was a little dehydrated because I cramped up a little at awkward, eagle, and standing forehead to knee. And since it is winter, I put lotion on my hands and in every evening class, I can't maintain a 10-fingered grip in standing forehead to knee and standing bow. Something odd is going on in my left (healthy) knee: it's been feeling sore for the last two days. It has a dull sensation of having been stretched out. One time, a few months into my practice, I thought I had pulled something above my left knee. It hurt to walk and put pressure on it. I stopped going to bikram and it hung around for a week. And as quickly as it came, it disappeared after that week. It's the same area of the left knee where I feel this soreness now and it is the same pain but on a lesser scale. I think it is working itself out, whatever it is. After three days of maintaining my integrity and truly getting my forehead to my knee on my right side, I already feel the difference and my body opening in oh so tiny, itsy bitsy increments. It's not as difficult as it was three days ago to get my forhead to my knee even though my leg is totally bent! Even in standing separate forhead to knee, it was still an insane struggle but it was a teensy weensy bit easier.

Ben suggested a way to open up our cervical spines: lay against a stability ball with an 85cm diameter, put our arms above our heads, and hold a light weight (he said he used a pineapple one day and bottle of wine another), and take 100 breathes. I think I'll try that. Btw, Ben is the founder of LuxYoga, which does bikram retreats in the South of France with senior teacher Craig Villani. I hear it is beautiful and decadent and awesome. There is a chef that cooks your meals, you stay at this beautiful villa overlooking the French Riviera, you do bikram every day with lots of personal attention and posture clinics, and you take day trips to local places. Who doesn't love that? If anyone is interested, check out the website. I think there are several retreats scheduled for this summer. There are two teachers from my studio who attended a past retreat. They raved about it.

Subtle Changes

2010-01-25T23:11:00.004-05:00

Day SEVENTEEN

I did not expect 15 people to be in Alicia's 7am class today. Usually we have no more than 10 so 15 people is 50% more than what we usually have. I love morning classes but one thing that I do miss from evening classes is the energy of a room full of people...and the heat. It doesn't get that hot at 7am class, I guess because it's the first class of the day with less people. There you go.

Today, it poured and it was 60 degrees. The Husband worried that he would have a miserable class due to the warm weather. Apparently, he had a great class. I reminded him not to have any attachments to past classes. Yes, easier said than done.

I decided it was time to say good-bye to The Husband and I set myself up in the second row off to his left side. It was a solid class: I was strong and I worked hard to push myself a little more. I am finding my forehead to the floor in separate leg stretching these days for these last 11 days. It's really amazing. For months, I couldn't get my forehead to the floor. The stretching sensation behind the backs of my knees was too painful to bear. And then boom. One day. There's my forehead. On the floor. How did that happen? Now that I can do it, my selective memory kicks in and my brain has forgotten how I couldn't do this for months. Why do our brains work like that?

Before class, I told Alicia about my commitment to integrity in forehead to knee poses. She said it was totally normal to have an imbalance on one side, for whatever reason. Just accept it and work through it. Maybe one day my forehead to knee will touch and then my selective memory will kick in and I'll wonder how I could never do it before.

What I love about bikram is that the shifts and changes happen so incremental that often you don't notice them. It's only when you look back that you realize you've progressed from point A to point B and didn't even realize it was happening as it was happening. This happens in our lives too: when we work on our relationships, our professional development, our personal growth -- we don't realize we make daily choices that lend to subtle changes until we look back and realize how much we've grown.

Integrity

2010-01-24T23:03:00.007-05:00

Day SIXTEEN

I accompanied my mom all day to a wedding of her former colleague and then the reception, which lasted until 11:30pm. By the time I dropped her off and returned the rental car, I got home at past midnight. I woke up this morning feeling so tired and kinda crappy because of the food I ate at the reception. I am pretty specific about what I eat (no wheat, no cow dairy, very little processed sugar from my bygone days of seeing The Healer) and how much I eat so that when I deviate from my routine, my body really feels the difference.

I forced myself to get to 10am yoga at my neighborhood studio. It was taught by Corina and even in the two or three weeks I had her from the last time, she's grown in her teaching. I took a different spot in the room and got in the second room with an unobstructed view of the mirror. I got corrections today with standing bow pulling pose, the third part of head to knee pose, and standing separate leg stretching and a lovely compliment on triangle.

It was a strong class today, made only stronger by my commitment to really getting my forehead to my knee in standing separate head to knee and especially in head to knee pose, no matter how much I bend my knee. Again, I see that putting my forehead to knee is far far easier on the left side. The right side. It almost doesn't happen. In head to knee pose, I again put my heel on the floor almost close to my right glute because my leg was completely bent, flexed my toes back and really tried to put my forhead to my knee with 10 fingers grasped below my toes. It was such a struggle...I felt stretching in my back and I could barely keep my breathing normal as I try try try to get my forehead to the knee. It barely touched and I couldn't hold it. I couldn't even keep the bikram grip underneath my feet! Oh, I felt like a beginner. This pose will teach me humility indeed! I showed my dilemma to The Husband when I got home and he observed that I can bend forward to touch my knee to my forhead on the left side but on the right side, he noticed that I don't bend forward but rather I keep trying to tuck my chin in. I tried it again and yes, I noticed that I can't seem to roll forward on the right side. Oh the painful stretching in my back!

This is all good stuff. Patience and surrender and breath is all I need. I will keep trying.

Forehead to Knee

2010-01-23T23:54:00.025-05:00

Day FIFTEEN

10am with Caroline had only four other people and me in class. We got lots of personal attention from her today! I love attention...must be the only child in me. I love getting corrections so that I can improve my yoga. Except when it comes to getting my forehead to my knee. Don't look at me because I can't do it!

Oh, the corrections I got today! So many, it was awesome!

"Sit back, sit back Johanna," she instructed during first part of awkward. I stumbled backward. She said, "Yes, good!" I guess I learned my edge.

And then the next correction came at my favorite pose, standing seperate leg head to knee. In the same way that The Missus feels she has not progressed at all in half tortoise in all the time she's been practicing, I feel the same exact way about this pose. No matter how much I bend my knee, I cannot frakkin' get my forehead to it especially on my right side. It. Drives. Me. Bananas. I don't have normal breathing in this pose no matter how hard I try to calm it down. I feel the heat exploding in my body and the flood gates of sweat open the most in this pose. And then here comes Caroline's correction, "Bend your knee as much as you have to. No eskimo kiss, no forehead to shin. Touch your knee." Oh honey! If you only knew how many teachers have told me this.

I got a little correction on toe stand: put my foot up higher on my thigh to open up my pelvis.

No correction from her today on cobra. I have been practicing on really stretching my heart up and forward after I come up and my lower back kills in the posture! I really must've just been hanging out in cobra this whole time. It's a whole new posture for me now thanks to Caroline's help. She said today, "Over time, you will distinguish the pain you get from stretching and the pain you get that tells you to back off."

In half tortoise, she told me to stretch my arms more towards the mirror. When I did, she said, "Good! Now you are working!"

By rabbit, she told me not to move my forehead as I move my legs up to close the gap between foread and knee. I don't intend to move my head but I can't seem to keep it still!

I was a bit frustrated with my inability to get my forehead to my knee today that in head to knee pose, I decided I was finally going to scrap all I've done in the past and start from scratch. I committed to having integrity in this pose no matter how high my knee had to bend. I bent my right knee so far up that it looked like an upside down V and I focused on getting my forehead to it. I struggled so much to keep my chin tucked in, stomach sucked in, breathing normal, and holding it there. THIS ONLY HAPPENS ON MY RIGHT SIDE. Left side, my knee is practically straight so I've deduced that simple anatomy is not my sole issue. All the injuries I've had pre-Bikram have been on my right side: knee, shoulder, wrist, ankle, back, glute. When Jim Kallet taught a class, he observed I had a tight right side during triangle after he asked me to keep twisting my head so that the right-side profile of my face was to the mirror. Could this be another factor? Whatever it is, I'm going to commit to having integrity in this particular forehead to knee pose since there is no balancing involved. I hope with integrity, hard work, and determination I will progress in this posture. If not in this 101 day challenge, I trust someday, one day, I will get my forehead to my knee.

Btw, happy belated birthday Caroline!!! Thank you for all your help today! You are a great teacher!

Cornered

2010-01-22T23:47:00.006-05:00

Day FOURTEEN

I always love taking the 5:30pm on Fridays because I feel bikram is a perfect way to segue from the work week to the weekend. It forces me to leave the office promptly at 5pm on a Friday but sometimes when the subway is running slow due to train traffic, getting to the 5:30 class can be nerve wracking. Today, I got to the studio with just 4 minutes to throw my stuff in a locker full of women getting out of the earlier class, change, gulp down my ZICO, set my mat and towel down, and run to the bathroom. I could've asked people to move to make a spot for me but since I was pressed for time, I took the only spot that was wide open, in the hottest part of the room, front room, in a corner. I still had to run to the bathroom and I thankfully came back in time that Kara allowed me in just as she was about to start pranayama (people already had their hands glued to their chin).

This morning, I had a one hour conversation with my colleague to finish hashing out what we didn't discuss yesterday. I simply wanted to discuss the facts, clear the air, and be done with it. That didn't happen. She is a colleague and a friend and in some ways, I felt like this conversation was akin to a therapy session. Ugh! I understood better where she was coming from and I hope to learn to be more aware and sensitive to her next time. I tried to explain my perspective and tried to reassure her that what I did was not personal and that she was taking it a little to the extreme. I don't know if I got through.

My little corner was hot hot hot and I was losing focus by the floor series. The class was packed, at least 50-60 people. There were 2 inches between my neighbor on my right and on my left, I was directly next to the wall. I had to move over to the right for half moon bend to the left and for full locust, forget it. I couldn't stretch my left arm out at all. I had to skip the first set and move to the left and slide down my mat so I could get some space. It was totally annoying. My right knee pain showed up again in both sets of awkward so I had to put my hands to the floor again. It was painful but thankfully not as painful as Wednesday when it spasmed. By head to knee pose, close to the end, I just wanted the class to be over. My hair was all over my face and trying to be still/not push the hair away was driving me bananas.

I got home and for the first time ever in my entire time I've done bikram yoga, I didn't feel rejuvenated or refreshed. In fact, I was a cranky biatch as if I was PMS-ing (I'm lucky because I don't have PMS so I can only imagine this is what PMS-ing is like?) for a good two hours. And my lower back is killing me!!!!!!! It is so incredibly sore, I am walking around bent over like the Hunchback of Notre Dame with my hands on my lower back the whole time.

Brought the Office with Me

2010-01-21T22:24:00.005-05:00

Day THIRTEEN

My day was going well until 4:55pm when a colleague decided to confront me, very upset at something that I had done. The act that I did made her feel very threatened while I thought I was just doing my job. By 6pm yoga with Danielle, I couldn't shake off what happened an hour before. I felt unsettled and as a result, my mind replayed the conversation, asked questions, got defensive, and a whole range of emotions. I had trouble balancing on one leg and kept falling out of standing forehead to knee and standing bow. Although my mind settled a bit more by cobra, the aftertaste of the bad experience lingered. By spinal twist, I was exhausted both physically and mentally. I was so tired that I didn't even have the energy to be upset with myself for letting this get in the way of my practice. After class, this unsettled feeling had dulled greatly although it did not completely disappear.

After talking about my day with The Husband over a sushi dinner (I felt I needed to treat myself), I wasn't bothered by it anymore. I'm not going to own someone else's insecurity and anxiety. I will have a very matter-of-fact discussion with my colleague tomorrow to clarify my side of the story and I will try to be compassionate about where she's coming from. That's it. I'm not giving this any more time because I've already let it bother me more than necessary!

A Whole New Person

2010-01-20T23:55:00.001-05:00

South Pacific at Lincoln Center's Vivian Beaumont Theater

A must see!

Day TWELVE

I went out to a pub last night with some colleagues for drinks. Had two glasses of wine and food that I don't normally have: nachos with cheese and ground beef, chicken wings, sweet potato fries, and fried calamari. I was coughing in the pub and by the time I got home at 10:30, I felt like I was hacking away like I did pre-antibiotics. I had a hard time getting to sleep.

Dreaded the alarm this morning because I had to get to 7am yoga with Alicia because of our South Pacific tickets tonight. If I missed it, no yoga today. I felt awful. It was as if the antibiotics never took effect and I regretted everything I did last night - the drinking, the eating crap, and the staying out late! 10:30 = late. Ha!

Set myself up at the back of the room again and I just did not want to be in class. At the top of the inhale in pranayama, to take in that last sip of air, was hard. Exhaling made me want to cough. I took it easy getting into half moon but my breath took me where I needed to go. And then came awkward. Oh awkward. Second part, I couldn't balance on my toes much less sit down. And then third part, by the time I got half way down - ouch! Hello right knee! I had to stand up. Second set, I couldn't go down without putting my hands on the floor and keeping them there. It took every effort to pitch my knees forward and down and there it was: the air bubble/incredible uncomfortable stretching in the back of my right knee. I got up with my hands on the floor. And then my right knee decided to spasm. I just couldn't straighten my right leg, much less lock my right knee. I kept massaging the back of my right knee to help it relax. "Ok knee. I'm just going to wait till you decide you want to chill out," I said to myself. I balanced only on the left leg today and kept my right knee bent, never kicking out because I knew I couldn't lock it. I just stood there while everyone balanced on the right leg. I felt like a fool. With downcast eyes and heavy breathing, Alicia reminded me to look up and keep my head up. By standing bow, the right knee relaxed and for the rest of class it was okay. I managed to do my best in toe stand right side. In fixed firm, I asked my knees for forgiveness and for them to relax while I breathed. It seemed like my knee moved on from the episode even though my mind was still stuck in the past, trying to figure out why it happened. In final savasana, I fell asleep...for at least 20 minutes! I woke up when Alicia came back in the room to turn on the heaters for the 9:30 class. I know she does this at 9am, like clock work. When I woke up, I felt like a whole new person, totally rejuvenated.

Some minor adjustments I noticed these last few classes: I need to tuck my pelvis in/under so that I'm not leaning forward so much in the 2nd part of awkward. In triangle, I notice when the teacher says right hip (when we are bending the left leg) / left hip (when bending the right leg) forward, I find that I am rotating my hips easier. Finally, in head to knee pose, I can get my forehead to my knee on the left side with a little bit of a bend but on the right side, I can't do it no matter how much I bend my knee. My right knee always ends up on the bridge of my nose. I can't blame it on the long torso anymore. Is there some other issue? A tight right side? Tight hamstrings? A right leg slightly longer than the left leg? I don't know! Any thoughts?

As I walked out, I explained to Alicia what happened. She said that stuff like this will definitely come up in the challenge. Injury teaches me humility and reminds me to be grateful. I should also take a lesson from my knee. After the spasm, it moved on acting as if it never happened. I wish I could say the same for my mind.

Distractions

2010-01-19T13:11:00.004-05:00

Day ELEVEN

7am with Alicia and stood next to The Husband. I think this is the last time I'll be standing next to him for a while! He went to see a foot doctor for pain in the top of his left foot and the podiatrist said that he may have a strained ligament and to take it easy. As a result, he's had trouble balancing on his left foot and decided today to back off on those poses.

That's all fine and good but when he took breaks from some of the poses, he decided to turn his head and look at me while I'm balancing. It's really hard to focus when your husband is just hanging out and staring at you! I did fine in standing head to knee but I got totally distracted as I looked in the mirror for standing bow and all I could see was the profile of his face. Uhhh...hello!!! Face the mirror, look at yourself, don't look at me! With no focus, I couldn't set up for standing bow with a straight face and much less stay in it. As we set up for full locust, his arm was under mine and when we lifted off in the second set, I felt his hand half nudging, half tickling me underneath my bicep/tricep. I started laughing and had to come out early. Crazy man! Stop distracting me!!!!

Felt solid today although can I take a moment to sound like an old person for a minute and complain about my aches and pains?! My left knee has been sore sore sore all day from class and omigosh! The front of my left shoulder - ouch! This morning, every time I crossed my arms across my face to pull a shirt over my head I felt a dull pain sensation. I think I opened it up during last night's eagle as I tried to pull my shoulders/arms down, attempting to get my fingertips below my nose. Doing today's eagle was not fun and Alicia saw me grimace and said, "Hello shoulder Johanna!" but after class, the shoulder is all better. The pinch in my right lower back is getting better too.

Pampering

2010-01-18T23:01:00.008-05:00

Day TEN

Hooray, I'm in the double digits of this challenge and I echo ahappyyogi's recent sentiment about 9 more batches of 10 classes and the challenge will be complete! I am celebrating!

I've been feeling a little down lately and so I decided to cheer myself up by getting a manicure and a pedicure. When you get a pedicure at Pema Nails, they do a salt scrub for your legs (up to your knees), pumice (or use a blade if you prefer) your feet, massage in lotion for your legs, and finish the process with a hotel towel on your legs. It's lovely especially since the ladies here don't rush you and my legs have been massaged for a good 10 minutes sometimes. I guess there are benefits to being a regular customer. Btw, did I mention a manicure and a pedicure is $17!!!! I love living in NYC. :)

That was at noon. I had to really drag my a$$ to bikram today. I just didn't have the desire and that's when the doubts came rushing in.

You're only at day 9 and you feel totally unmotivated.
You're never going to complete this challenge.
You? Do bikram every day for the next 92 days?
These last few days have felt like forever. There's no way you are going to do 92 straight more days.

I tried to push these doubts away and said to myself, "Just get to the hot room. Just get to the hot room." Several minutes before I left the house, I remembered to wash the lotion off my legs from my pedicure and arms from my manicure or else suffer a supper slippery class especially at standing bow pulling pose. You know you do bikram when...

I took the 4:30pm with Caroline at my neighborhood studio and set my mat up to the left side of the room, next to a pillar. Today, I just needed a little separation from most of the students and this sport was perfect. It also happened that I was standing in front of an exit door and by the time we got to the floor series, I felt the draft on my face seeping in from underneath the door. It was nice in the beginning but after a while, I wished it wasn't there, which must mean I am feeling closer to regaining 100% of my health (I usually like it juicy!!!). Didn't cough as much and didn't need to blow my nose during class -- all good signs that I am on the mend.

I am feeling a soreness in my right quad and there is a pinch that I feel in my lower back, on the right side that I just noticed today. The pinch became more acute during backbends. I have also noticed that every time I take a class with Caroline and we are in cobra pose, she always calls me out to lift my chest and go higher. And every time I try, I feel an incredible stretching in the front of my neck to the point that it is uncomfortable. And the pinch in my lower back today did not help my cobra. I wonder. Have I just been hanging out in cobra?!?!???!!!! I didn't think so but maybe I was wrong.

I am making great improvements in awkward, toe stand right side, and fixed firm thanks to the healing I feel in my right knee. My sit ups are stronger and I am working on trying to keep my chin to my chest, my arms by my ears, and get my elbows to the floor when we exhale twice. And slowly but surely, I feel my upper back opening up in rabbit. I struggle with all the compression postures, never being able to get my forehead exactly to my knee thanks to my long torso. I am really working on keeping my chin to my chest and sucking sucking sucking in the belly. Oh, the joys of a super flat upper back!

Today, as we celebrate the legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, I always take a moment to remember those who work for social justice especially for the vast majority of people who don't make it to the news but are recognized by the people who benefit from their tireless commitment. I especially remember the people of Haiti and the relief workers who are trying to help all those who are suffering in the country. I remember our practice and how we learn compassion for ourselves and in turn, we learn compassion for others. We take the energy we get in that hot room and we spread it to those around us, making our lives and the lives of others just a little better.

We're All In This Together

2010-01-17T22:32:00.008-05:00

Watching the Golden Globes

Day NINE

The antibiotics kicked in just hours after taking them last night. Instead of coughing for four hours in bed before falling asleep, it took me about an hour last night. Today, my lungs felt better and I coughed far less. As a result, I was stronger in today's 5pm class with Danielle than I was in the last two classes. I managed to do all the poses and didn't feel wiped by eagle or by standing bow. I had the effort to pull and stretch to touch my forehead in standing separate leg stretching pose. I drank more water than I normally would and by head to knee pose, I was done. I didn't have any more energy to stretch in the third part to try and reach my forehead to my toes.

The energy we create is so important in class, which is why we strive as students to move with the words and together. All the things we do and refrain from doing during our practice contributes to that energy so that we can become a collective whole for 90 minutes. When one of my teachers wants us to move together, she might say, "Let's ride this wave together!" Some days the group energy in the room is fantastic and other days we belly flop.

Tonight, I realized that the teacher also contributes greatly to the energy in the room; together the students and teacher create a synergy. Danielle wasn't her usually playful self. As she set up her towel on the podium, there was something in the way that she did it that just felt different. When no one responded to her query if anyone had any injuries, she said, "Great! It makes my job easier!" All these things may sound normal to you but if you've practiced with a teacher long enough, you can feel when they have their off days and their on days. I could tell when one teacher didn't get enough sleep by her frenetic energy which reflected in how she delivered the dialogue. I could tell when one teacher was nervous and later realized it was because her boss was in the back of the room, practicing and observing her. Today, Danielle was quieter in her instruction during pranayama breathing. Just before she gave instruction for balancing stick, she introduced the pose as triangle pose. And right after locust, she went straight to full bow and it took several students to say to her that we didn't do full locust yet. These are not criticms but rather an observation that nobody is exempt from bringing into the sweat box the life that happens outside.

Sometimes You Just Need Help

2010-01-16T23:33:00.004-05:00

Day EIGHT

For the last two nights, I laid in bed coughing so much so that I would only find relief at 4am when I would finally fall asleep. My cough didn't improve and I could feel my lungs, discomfort in my shoulder blades, ever time I took a breath. I decided to see a doctor, who told me that I had a bacterial infection with a slight case of bronchitis. She prescribed 5 days of antibiotics. Drugs! Hooray! Relief is in sight. I'm not one to reach for medication easily. My preferred route of healing remedies is the "natural" way but when my body can't kick a bug after a prolonged period, I call in the big guns. The last thing I need is full blown bronchitis or worse, pneumonia!

I got to the Doctor's office at 11:30 and didn't see her until 1:30! Despite the immense frustration of waiting, I was grateful that she could squeeze me in without an appointment. While waiting, I started getting anxious about getting to yoga. The last class at my neighborhood studio was 4:30 and my regular studio at 5:00. And even if I was done with the doctor, I was with my mom who helped me, and we were starving and had to eat. As I was about to resign myself to skipping yoga, I realized, "Wait. I live in New York City for goodness sakes. There MUST be another studio that has evening classes on a Saturday night."

Thankfully, BikramYogaNYC (the first to open a bikram studio in the city in 1999) with its 4 locations, had a 7 and 8pm class at its Upper East Side Location! (I just checked: there are 13 studios in Manhattan alone with another 8 studios in the other boroughs). What a relief but man, it took effort and extra cash to get in this day of yoga! I missed the 7pm class by minutes. Argh!!!! Annoyed but thankful that I wouldn't miss a day, I plopped down at a nearby Barnes & Noble to kill time.

8pm with Connie had only 10 people. I originally set up in the second row but I was wearing my eyeglasses and without them, I'm blind as a bat so I moved up to the first row. Tonight's class was similar to last night's. I couldn't get myself to inhale and exhale strongly in pranayama, which did not bode well for me. By awkward, I was starting to feel weak and by eagle, I was spent. I talked myself into staying strong and in standing forehead to knee, I nailed it on both sides but it took everything I had. By standing bow, I had no more fight and no more stamina. I sat out for the first set of triangle and a set of standing separate forehead to knee. By this time, Connie handed me an Emergen C packet and I took some, almost chocking on the bubbling concoction in my mouth. She encouraged me to get up for tree and I did it and toe stand by reaching deep within. By the gas station, I was couldn't be still because I was coughing. I managed to get through the floor series doing the best I could for today. I felt soooo hot that my back tingled as I realized an egg could fry on it. I was so grateful when Connie opened the window and the door. My lungs felt clogged and my body and mind just felt drained and tired. Despite the struggle, I am grateful I got to class. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful that my body can heal itself. Life is still and always will be beautiful.

The Brick Wall

2010-01-15T23:56:00.000-05:00

Day SEVEN

Yogis and yoginis, my heart breaks for Haiti and its people. Looking at the images and watching the news makes me cry inconsolably. The devastation, the loss, and the suffering is so overwhelming that it almost mutes the few miracles that occur. It is hard to find hope when signs of death are all around. There is so much I want to say but I can't find the words.

These last few days, I have thought about how natural disasters have even graver consequences for people living in poverty. There is a connection between poverty and vulnerability and as we've seen with Hurricane Katrina, the same effect is is seen in Haiti with more dire consequences. The combination of lack of infrastructure and a weak government have created road blocks to aid, food, water, medicine, equipment, and communication, etc.

How did the once richest and most prosperous country become the poorest in the Western hemisphere today? I don't know about you, but I've never learned about Haitian history in school and it was only until I got to graduate school and took a course in African-American studies did I learn a little about this country that was once the pearl of the Antilles. The following pithy summary of the country's political economic history may give you insight into how vulnerable Haiti is today to natural disasters.

Once a colony France, slaves taken from West Africa worked the sugar and coffee plantations for trade. The French Revolution that began in 1789, which was highly influenced by the American Revolution decades earlier, had a great impact on the people. Through the military leadership of General Toussaint L'ouverture, African slaves and Afro-Haitians successfully revolted against the French, freeing themselves from their colonizers and abolishing slavery by 1804. Haiti would become the oldest black republic in the world and the second-oldest republic in the Western Hemisphere, only after the US. Think about it folks. 1804. Imperialism and colonialism abounded. But in Haiti, black people were free while the institution of slavery flourished worldwide including our very own United States. Despite gaining freedom, Haiti had to pay the equivalent of billions of dollars of reparations to France for successfully revolting. Nations refused to recognize this new black republic and therefore, refused to trade with it. In essence, Haiti lived in total isolation despite its ability to produce sugar and coffee. With no source of income and shouldered with debt, it laid the foundation for the country's poverty over the next 200+ years. Decades and decades of political instability culminated in an American invasion in 1915, occupying the country militarily for 25 years. Our country backed up Haiti's dictators in an effort to support our own interests. By the mid 20th century, the country accelerated its deforestation as a source of income yet the environmental effects are detrimental. Soil erosion decreases land productivity and increases droughts and damages infrastructure projects as well as coastal marine life. Here's a great article I read recently on Haiti.

As Port au Prince lays in ruins, I am forever reminded that life is precious and every day is blessing. Hug those you love. Tell someone you love them.I do believe that only out of nothing can everything become possible. So my hope and prayer for Haiti is that this devestating tragedy will bring forth opportunities that may one day elevate it to regaining its title of the pearl of the Antilles once again.

Support Haiti by making a donation to the following reputable organizations: American Red Cross, UNICEF, and Partners in Health.

If you want to read more about Haiti, check out:

The Black Jacobins: Toussaint L'Ouverture and the San Domingo Revolution by CLR James

Avengers of the New World: The Story of the Haitian Revolution by Laurent Dubois

Taking Haiti: Military Occupation and the Culture of U.S. Imperialism, 1915-1940 by Mary A. Renda

Mountains Beyond Mountains: The Quest of Dr. Paul Farmer, a Man Who Would Cure the World by Tracy Kidder

Friends, today I hit my wall in the torture chamber. Attended 5:30pm with Kara, one of my faves. The room was incredibly hot so much so that our towels and our mats were hot to the touch. I could sense it too from Kara who moved around the room, playing with the heaters and opening the windows, and inspiring us with her energy by asking us to reach deep within ourselves to find our strength. But today, I had no mental strength. I knew I was in trouble at pranayama breathing when I struggled with the heat in the second set. By standing bow, I really just wanted to sit down. I struggled through it but lost the battle for the first set of triangle. My second set of triangle was strong so I knew it was mind that was fatigued, not my body even though it is sore. I just couldn't fight for it any more. I sat out again for the second set of standing separate leg forehead to knee pose. After this pose, I had to find a way to get through class. So I decided to dedicate the rest of my practice to Haiti and the people of Haiti. It helped. I found the strength I needed to get through tree pose and toe stand and the entire floor series.

People were dropping like flies, even those of us who have a regular practice in the front row. By the second set of camel, 90% of the back row didn't bother sitting up for a second set. Kara even commented, "Whoa, back row! What happened to you? Ka boom boom boom and boom!" By the time we were done with that second set of camel, there were only 10 of us in a room of 60 still in the pose.

Today, my studio offered a huge bowl of grapes and I hungrily partook of them and downed a second liter of water as I sat outside of the locker room for another 15 minutes just trying to recover. I could sense the wall was coming and today, I crashed into it at such a high velocity.

Your Mind is Like a Wild Dog

2010-01-14T23:25:00.002-05:00

Day SIX

Attended 4:30pm class at the neighborhood studio, taught by Victoria who is visiting from San Diego. Victoria had great energy and my taking a class with her made me realize that I really like teachers whose voices change throughout the class: they start calm yet energetic as we go through the warm up and by the time we get to the peak of the standing series, their voices ring. By balancing stick, their voices have so much energy that I can't help but be like a "T as in 'Texas' ya'll" (a little variation from my favorite teacher who is a Texan). There were a few times when the cadence of Victoria's dialogue, coupled with what I think is a Mexican accent, reminded me of an auctioneer. I couldn't help but smile when she said "Change!" in the same way an auctioneer said, "SOLD!" She helped people in class correcting them in both English and Spanish. I thought it was cool to hear some of the dialogue in Spanish. It certainly refreshed my memory of body parts in Spanish: la rodilla = knee; las piernas = legs; los manos = hands. :)

I was cramping in the beginning of class -- perhaps I wasn't hydrated enough? In the second and third parts of awkward (my favorite: note the sarcasm), my arches were killing me. It took every ounce of energy to get in, stay in, and come out of the posture. By standing forehead to knee, my standing leg cramped up so much so that I had to fall out after pulling my elbows down to the calf, both sides. I struggled in triangle but stuck with it and by the time I got to standing separate leg head to knee pose (my second favorite pose: again note the hint of sarcasm) I really had to focus on calming my breath down.

I reached for water today more than I usually do. I drank right before fixed firm, which made for a little queasy camel, and again right after rabbit. In the first set of rabbit, I mentally disconnected for a moment before I told myself to snap back into it...and Victoria felt it. She said, "Stay with the words. I see some of you are disconnecting. I've been doing this long enough to know and because I've done it myself." In the savasana immediately following that first set of rabbit she said, "Your mind is like a wild dog and like a dog, you have to teach your mind to 'sit' and it shouldn't move until you give it another command. That takes practice."

She let people leave the room when they couldn't stand the heat or couldn't catch their breath. Guess what happened when one person left the room? Yup, a second immediately followed and Victoria exclaimed, "Noo. Where are you going? Don't leave! If you go, it will spread like an infection!!!" I almost laughed out loud when she said that. But it's totally true. When one goes down, others want to follow. We are each responsible for the energy in that room.

Yogis and yoginis, I've never sweated like I sweated tonight. My towel was doubly drenched and my yoga mat had puddles of perspiration on it even after I removed the towel. I had to sit down in the locker room for 10 minutes without moving. It was just one of those classes. I am still proud that I managed to do both sets of every posture and I noticed that in the last few classes I've been able to touch my forehead to the floor in standing separate leg stretching pose. I could never touch my forehead to the floor in the last 9 months of practicing. Boo yah!! Hooray for small victories.

Grumpy

2010-01-13T16:01:00.003-05:00

Day FIVE

7am with Alicia and practiced side-by-side with The Husband today. Had it not been for The Husband getting up this morning, I don't think I could've done it on my own, challenge or no challenge. You see, worked from home today so if I didn't go to 7am, I would catch the later class. Sometimes having too many options is not a good thing!

Today's class made me very aware of my hamstrings perhaps because they are a bit sore. Several days before today, the soreness was in my back. I think my most recent practices of such mental determination left me mentally spent for today. By cobra, I was not that into class and wished it was over. By forehead to knee separate leg stretching, I didn't want to be there anymore. I had had it and I couldn't breathe because of my head congestion so I half-a$$ed the last several postures. I could tell The Husband wasn't having such a great class either. I felt his energy indeed.

Got home and slept for several hours only to wake up to a fit of coughing that lasted for an hour. I've been grumpy all day thanks to the tightness I feel in my chest that just won't go away. Bah! Humbug!

Focus Focus Focus

2010-01-12T23:50:00.000-05:00

Team Conan!!!!

Good for you for standing up to those inept NBC execs!

Day FOUR

Took the 6:30 evening class at my neighborhood studio with a teacher whose name I can't remember but I know it starts with a "C". I think she is newbie teacher because I used to see her practicing at my regular studio and then I didn't see her for weeks, and now here she is at my neighborhood studio.

What I love about practicing in NYC is that my bikram teachers hail from all over the country and the world. I've got teachers from Dallas, Seattle, the Philippines, Japan, Ecuador, India, and Eastern Europe. It is so cool to hear the bikram dialogue spoken in English with accents from all over the world and even from near by (Jewish, Long Island, Bronx, and Brooklyn accents abound in one particular studio). Yes, think Fran Drescher delivering dialogue). Admittedly, there are some teachers who are difficult to understand like one teacher who said, "poin-yee-toe" during locust. By the second set, I finally figured out that she was saying, "point your toe." We do our best to listen because they do their best to teach.

Today, I stood in the juicy part of the room but close to the door. I don't think I'll pick that spot again since I like to take a loooooong final savasana. It is hard to bliss out in final savasana when people are walking by my head and feet to exit and the door is opening and closing, letting cold air in.

I am still getting used to the rules and vibe of this new studio. It seems that people are allowed to leave the room and come back at any time. People are allowed to drink water at any time, in between sets and even before "party time". If the following scenario happened at my regular studio, the teacher would tell the student to sit down and stay in the room. If a student absolutely had to leave the room, the teacher would signal them back but only between sets. And absolutely no water during party time, no water between sets, no dousing yourself with water to cool off (One teacher told a student, "You can do that afterward when you shower.") and absolutely no hand towel.

It took TREMENDOUS concentration and focus to set up and stay in standing forehead to knee as a woman walked behind me to leave the room. When she came back, another woman decided to leave the room! Whaaaaa????? She left during the first set of standing bow. When the door opened, she casually walked back to her spot while many of us were trying to balance on one leg. But she doesn't know better because the the teacher didn't say anything. My mantra during those two postures was, "FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS." If I didn't say that, I would've been saying, "F-you, F-you, F-you," at the woman and the teacher instead. I chose to hang on to the positive energy even though it was not easy. I entered the hot room after a hard day at the office. Something came up and I got angry and frustrated with the situation. I was moody on the way home and on the way to the studio but the heat and the moving meditation melted the day away. I wish I could say that after yoga, I maintained my peace but unfortunately, when I recounted the day's events to The Husband over dinner, I got angry all over again.

"Let no one steal your peace," Bikram says. In the hot room, I was successful. Outside the hot room, not so much. I need more practice.

Holding Hands During Take Off

2010-01-11T23:16:00.002-05:00

And when I touch you, I feel happy inside

It's such a feeling that my love

I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide

Yeah you, got that something

I think you'll understand

When I say that something

I wanna hold your hand

- The Beatles

DAY THREE

Back to work and back to my routine. Mondays usually start with The Husband and I going to 7am class with Alicia at our regular studio.

I regularly practice in the morning before heading to work in order to ensure I get a class in. Getting up early for the first time in more than two weeks was brutal. The first five minutes after the alarm clock rings at 5:45 are always the worst and today was no different. I did not want to get up and I even tried to get out of it by entertaining the idea of canceling an evening appointment so I could sleep in and take class later. I determined there was just no way I could get out of the appointment so I had no choice. I got up. Believe me, if I wasn't doing this challenge, I would've slept in. It also really helps to get up with The Husband who practices three times a week

When picking my spot, I usually choose the hotter part of the room and the front row. Today, I decided to change things up a bit and I practiced right next to The Husband, in the third row and next to the windows, the cooler part of the room. I never practiced side-by-side The Husband before. When he first started, I stood a row in front of him so he could watch me if he got confused or needed clarification. But I worried about him in the beginning (my proclivity to want to help others to a fault) and I always found myself peeking at him, distracting me from my own practice. When he got the hang of the postures, I moved to the other side of the room so he was out of my range of vision!

But today was different. After the class I had yesterday, I wanted to test my focus and concentration again. I was also curious to see how it would feel to practice in the third row again, like I did when I was a newbie. Would it give me a new perspective? Would it teach me humility as Mary Jarvis believes, who makes her teachers practice in the back row at her studio?

I had another solid day today. Although I generally concentrate more on form and alignment in the morning due usually to less flexibility, I found myself going deeper today than I usually do at 7am. Again, I was grateful for my body opening. I took whatever it offered. Standing in the back was definitely different. I felt further away from myself. - not good, not bad, just different. It certainly was harder to look "into" my eyes since I saw just a speck of them. Instead, I focused gaze on my belly button. As for humility, I suppose it's easier to learn it when you are behind several rows of people. Today, we had 9 people in class so I had an unobstructed view of myself. Jury's still out - will have to get back to you on that one. And guess what? I focused completely on me despite standing next to The Husband. There were times when I felt his frustration and in return, I offered him my energy.

My favorite part of today's class was full locust. With our arms outstretched, my fingers touched The Husband's. I held on to them as we ascended up, like 747s taking off. At some point, our fingers untangled but somehow, it made me happy! Later at dinner, we recounted our day's practice and laughed as we remembered our locust encounter.

When we take plane trips, I always reach for The Husband's hand when the plan accelerates to take off and on the descent. After 2 years of marriage and 3 years of dating, I am always grateful to have my husband's hand to hold. I still reach for it when we walk or have dinner or sit in church. In early December, I went to the Philippines without The Husband. With no one to reach out to as the plane accelerated on the runway, I looked around at my fellow passengers. To my immediate right, a wife reached for her husband's hand. To my left, on the far side of the plane, a husband reached for his wife's hand. I smiled because I understood the reassuring comfort of holding a loved one's hand in that moment. Many of us who practice bikram often say that what happens in the sweat box is a metaphor for what happens in our lives. I felt the beautiful, powerful, reassuring love that I have for my husband today in my practice just by standing next to him. I surrendered to it and for that, I received a rock-solid practice that provided me such peace and contentment.

Tremendous Focus

2010-01-10T20:16:00.011-05:00

Day TWO

Attended the 4:30 class at my local studio and I purposely moved to the hotter part of the room so that I could try a new spot and have a juicy class. I took the front row again and there were at least 3 newbies. The teacher, Greg, was a newbie too, who just got back from teacher training.

My body remained opened and it yielded to going deeper and I was grateful despite the various, crumpled Kleenex that lay at the top of my mat by the end of class.

Today took tremendous focus and concentration.

The student directly behind me drank water just after awkward and Greg didn't say anything. Students were drinking while people were in the postures and in between sets.

Two rows behind me was a newbie. The poor thing had had it by the time we finished the first set of balancing stick. By the time we got to the floor series, she was sitting up and facing away from the class. And by the time we got to head to knee with stretching pose, she was on her belly and with her arms up as if in surrender.

And there were a lot of fidgeters.

I found myself in the beginning questioning the newbie teacher. "Why doesn't Greg say something to the girl when she drank water after awkward? Why doesn't Greg tell the newbie to keep her head above her heart? Why doesn't Greg do this? Why doesn't he do that?" After a million other questions, my mind yelled back at me, "Who the hell is the teacher here, YOU or GREG? Greg. Good. Glad we got that straight. LET. IT. GO."

In general, I've always been the kind of person who wants to help, who wants to solve things for others, who wants to carry other people's crosses. My heart breaks when I watch people suffer. I've had to learn many times in the hardest of ways that people often need to figure it out for themselves. A wise friend once advised me about a guy I fell in love with for all the wrong reasons, "You can't save him. You can only support him." It took me a year to figure out what she meant, as I walked away from that relationship with a broken heart and shattered self-esteem.

As I learned in life, I could only support the newbie and the drinkers and the fidgeters. I could only share with them my energy, my focus, and my lightheartedness. I smiled at myself right before I tucked in my chin in standing forehead to knee. When I fell backwards out of toe stand, I laughed. Yeah. They just had to figure it out for themselves.

There's No Place to Hide

2010-01-09T23:44:00.047-05:00

Day 8 ONE

Yay yay yay YAY yogis and yoginis! Today was the first day my body didn't feel achy and out of sorts. Despite the complete head congestion, I attended the 4:30pm class.

I was initally confused of the class time. Originally, I thought class was at 4:00 pm and was geared up and ready to go when I realized I had another 30 minutes, I suddenly lost all my motivation. I worked myself up all day because I had trouble breathing through my nose. For ten minutes, I rationalized why I should skip class: "I can't breathe. This must be a sign that I should push this off tomorrow. I'll do better if I go tomorrow anyway. I don't feel well. I'm going to totally suck today" I almost gave in but thought of The Missus' advice from a few days ago. My goal was to "just get to the studio" and it made me move my tush. I parked myself in the back corner of the room, which also happened to be next to the heating vent (mental note to self: this is the hottest part of the room - love it!). I planned to take it easy especially if hot wind was going to blowing on my body! "There's now way this class is gonna be easy. I can't breathe! And breath is key! I'm gonna have to sit some postures out, for sure," I thought to myself.

Caroline came in and introduced myself and identified all the students in the class. When she finished, she looked straight at me and said, "JoJo, I know you are recovering from being sick but would you mind coming to the front row? You've got a regular practice and it would be good for other students to see what's going on. If you need to take it easy and sit down, you go ahead. It's good for them to learn that that's okay too."

Well, so much for taking it easy! There's something about being in the front row that makes me feel a responsibility to my fellow classmates. I'm a huge believer of leading by example and being in the front row means you are the example. It certainly keeps me honest: I'm more focused, less likely to fidget, fix my hair/costume, wipe sweat off my face. I remember when I first started bikram and when I got lost, I looked to the front row and was inspired by their focus, their poses, and their peace that was stolen by no one. I was always inspired by them and I hope the beginners today took that from me today. In return, I received their energy and determination. As a result, I had a great class! I did both sets of every posture although I stumbled off to the left as I pushed my hips to the left and bent to the right in the warm up for half moon. I had to laugh. I wasn't used to moving in 8 days!

The congestion I felt these last three days (and for that matter, any other time I've felt congestion due to seasonal allergies), pranayama breathing cleared it right up. It must be the powerful inhalation and exhalation. Whatever the reason, my nasal passages always clear or at least loosens things up so that I could clear my nose. It felt SO AWESOME to finally move and stretch my muscles. My body opened up and said, "aaaaahhhhh." It was so nice. I was sweat soaked by the end of pranayama. It was a juicy class indeed! Every pose that required a locked knee, I felt and saw in the mirror the muscle just above my right knee (the old injury) twitching every time I came out of the pose and let it go slack. My muscle hadn't done that since I started my bikram practice. It was a reminder to keep that knee locked since the muscle must've weakened in the last week. It was also great to just let my mind rest. For 90 minutes, I wasn't living in my head. It was such a relief!!!!! I walked home with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. I arrived home and when The Husband greeted me, he instantly recognized a different person. "It's the old you," he exclaimed. I was so happy! I still am!!!

So here's a poll for you yogis and yoginis. I'm not sure what I should do. My intention for this challenge was to make this yoga my priority and truly go 101 days straight and only do a double if absolutely necessary. With 7 missed classes, I could catch up with doubles so that I could finish with you all but only go a little over 90 days straight instead of 101. The other option would be to reset my clock and treat today as day 1 of my challenge. I suppose the final option would be a compromise and do 3 doubles and push back my end-date by four days. What to do? My teacher Caroline said that I should push my end-date back to April 19. "Don't kill yourself. That's not the point," she said. I don't know. I'm curious to hear what you all think. Please leave a comment. I would love to hear from you!!!

Breath is Key

2010-01-08T23:53:00.004-05:00

After two days of propping up my sorry self in bed in order to sleep, it never fails to amaze me how much we take our breath for granted until, well, we can't breathe.

Ok, here's another cool etymology lesson!

In Latin, the word anima has several meanings. It can mean air or breeze. It means breath. It also means soul, spirit, life. From anima, we have in English the word "animate", which means to breath life into, to encourage, to give vigor. In Spanish, the verb "animar" means to enliven, to cheer up, to brighten up, to encourage, and my favorite, to inspire.

I looked up the word inspire and here's what the online Miriam-Webster dictionary said:

1 a : to influence, move, or guide by divine or supernatural inspiration b : to exert an animating, enlivening, or exalting influence on inspired by the Romanticists> c : to spur on : impel, motivate d : affect inspired him with nostalgia>
2 a archaic : to breathe or blow into or upon b archaic : to infuse (as life) by breathing
3 a : to communicate to an agent supernaturally b : to draw forth or bring out inspired by a visit to the cathedral>
4 : inhale 1
5 a : bring about, occasion inspired by his travels in the Far East> b : incite
6 : to spread (rumor) by indirect means or through the agency of anotherintransitive verb : inhale

Isn't it amazing that so many of the modern languages ties the breath to life to our soul to the divine in one word? The ancients understood this connection and when language developed, one word was used to define what today may seem like disparate things. Sure, we all accept that if we stop breathing, we die. But do we all accept that our breath is our connection to the truest part of ourselves and to that which surrounds all of us, the divine? Not necessarily.

I was amazed once when I stumbled upon a story of a few yoginis take 8 classes in one day. They took it Global Yoga studio in San Francisco, owned by senior bikram instructor Mary Jarvis. I was struck by her passionate opinion about the importance of breath (and the equal importance of not drinking water during class). She writes:

They do not drink water ever in class. It is a demonstration of the fact that in yoga...the most important thing you need in our yoga is our BODY,our MIND,and our infinite stream of SOUL. And the BRIDGE to this is the BREATH...

Apparently, she learned this from Bikram himself.

I've noticed in this first winter of practicing, I have decreased my intake of water. I still can't help myself from taking a sip at party time. My throat gets so dry or sometimes, I get the worst bile-taste in my mouth after eagle, that I desperately want a sip. I think at some point during this challenge, I would love to take one class without every having to drink. I'm just curious how that would feel like.

Dad, This One is For You

2010-01-07T22:26:00.003-05:00

Day 7

Whenever my father felt the first signs of illness, he always used to whip out the vaporizer. I used to watch him as a child as he filled the brown vaporizer with water, drop some Vicks liquid, wait for the steam to rise, and stick his face in for 15 minutes. I was mesmerized at the vapors. Over the years, if I ever complained to my dad that I was getting sick, he always advised the vaporizer. Guaranteed. I never did listen to him until today, my third day of suffering terrible congestion.

As I walked to our nearby pharmacy (thankfully, we live within a 2 block radius of every kind of possible store we could need), I thought of my dad. A dentist by trade, my father is the epitome of health. He gets up at 4:30am daily and does his morning routine: he walks briskly for 45 minutes with two pound dumb bells, returns home for breakfast, and then heads out to the market to buy the day's food. His family has a history of diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart disease. While his siblings take insulin and other medications, my father has managed to avoid the pills through strict diet and exercise. I asked him on my recent trip to the Philippines if he felt any sorts of pain associated with aging that his peers often complain about. "Nope," he answered. Arthritis? No. Muscle stiffness? No. Indigestion, gas, acid reflux? No. I was impressed. I'm half his age and suffer from chronic knee pain and various other joint issues.

I hope by the end of this challenge, I hope to feel the same way my dad feels. I believe I get my discipline and determination from him. So I dedicate my practice to my dad*, who is such an example to me of good health. When I start to waver or have my down days, I'll ask myself, "What would dad do?"

*I can't dedicate a practice to one parent while leaving the other out. So I also dedicate my practice to my mom, who is on her own health journey.

Defeated

2010-01-06T23:34:00.013-05:00

Day 6

When the mind says "no", you can often rationalize to make it think differently. But when the body says "no", it means it.

I got up at 5:45am, intent on going to yoga but when I got up, my head felt like a boulder, clogged like a drain, I knew it wasn't going to happen. I went back to bed and got up 3 hours later to go to work. It took a while to get myself ready and get to work. I should've taken it as a sign. I arrived at 10:30 and then went to lunch with my colleagues courtesy of my boss, and then left at 4:30. By the time I got home, I felt miserable. Drained and totally congested with a slight fever. I slept for a few hours until The Husband came home, bearing my requests of orange juice, lemons, hot and sour soup from the Chinese restaurant, and Vicks vapor rub.

This whole illness is teaching me patience. I'm not learning it well, believe me. In my mind, I'm thinking of all the work that is piling up and all the doubles I'll need to do to catch up in the challenge. Despite all the lying down I've done these past few days, my mind is quite anxious.

Relax your mind. Realx your mind. RELAX. YOUR. MIND. Open your heart.

That's what Alicia as she ends her bikram class as we lie in final savasana. Right now, opeing my heart seems a lot easier than relaxing my mind. I know one thing. My body has raised a white flag. It has to rest and refuses to have it any other way. No ifs, ands, or buts, about it.

Food & Travel, My Other Loves

2010-01-05T22:36:00.002-05:00

Day 5

Had to stay home again today although by the afternoon, I felt like a semi-human being even though my head was totally clogged. All hopes of doing yoga in the evening were dashed since there was just no hope breathing through my nose.

Why is it that really long, hot showers always makes you feel better even when you mostly don't? The hot steam really loosened things up and I took the opportunity to clean out my nasal passages using my neti pot. It definitely provided some relief.

I watched alot of TV today, considering I rarely watch TV at all. I zeroed in on one of my favorite channel and watched my favorite cooks Giada De Laurentiis, Ina Garten (aka The Barefoot Contessa), and Tyler Florence whip up delectable dishes. Now, if I could only have Giada's kitchen with Ina's garden, and Tyler cooking nightly for The Husband and I, well, that would be a dream come true! Ok, fine. I'll settle for Giada's kitchen and Ina's garden. And btw, how ADORABLE are the Neelys? I interspersed some of the food episodes were some travel shows, particularly Globe Trekker. It reminded me of how much I really love love to cook and how I would love to host my own travel show.

Heading back to work tomorrow and determined to get back to the sweat box. With that, I leave you with one of the four Hong Kong video that I made last year for TripFilms, which focused on food.

Watch more of my videos at Tripfilms.com

Cabin Fever

2010-01-04T21:28:00.015-05:00

Day 4

Woke up with a throat the felt like a cat clawed at it. Feel a little better today but decided to spare my colleagues my germs and terrible cough. I'm proud that The Husband still went to 7am bikram without me. Starting to get cabin fever folks. Thank goodness there's hot tea, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and online episodes of Cranford at PBS Masterpiece to prevent me from going totally crazy. All these Anglophilic amusements are suddenly making me want to visit England.

What the frak?!

2010-01-03T18:35:00.003-05:00

Day 3

Well, I had a whole, eloquent post written and by the accidental press of a button on my keyboard, poof! It's gone. GONE! I can't retrieve it and I'm too frakkin' frustrated right now to re-write what took me about 45 minutes to conjure.

Suffice it to say, my original post was about convalescing, not going to yoga for a second day, and feeling left out of the action. I used the metaphor of a marathon race and how the start gun just fired and all of us, giddy with excitement were moving past the start line, eager to start the challenge, and how suddenly, I tripped. I had to bend down and tie my shoelaces while the crowd left me behind in it's wake. I am happy for the rest of you who have completed three classes and it is such great fun reading your blog updates. Nevertheless, I can't help but feel frustrated that I can only account for one class while everyone else is on their third or fourth.

Then I recounted about going with The Husband to church today in the bitter cold and how it sapped all my energy. That's when I knew I wasn't back to my 100% strength. With my hood up and head down, I held The Husband's arm and allowed him to lead the way without having to look up as we crossed streets and dodged people on the sidewalk. Then it transitioned to the concept of trust and how it so nicely coincided with today's Feast of the Epiphany in church, where three wise men followed a star to Bethlehem and upon finding the baby Jesus, presented Him with gifts of gold, frankinsence, and myrrh. Further explanations about the importance of trust and how the wise mean serve as examples of how trusting the process in our lives and in our yoga is good for us. And there you have it. My vanished post just haphazardly recreated with such disinterest and dismay. Arrrrrrrgh!

Signing off now and hoping tomorrow, I am 100% better (and less cranky) to return to work and go back to yoga. Peace out.

The Best Laid Plans

2010-01-02T18:58:00.004-05:00

The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew

- Robert Burns

Day 2

The plan was to go to 10am yoga and meet some of friends, one of whom was from out of town, at the Met to see the samurai exhibit. For dinner, we would go to a Japanese yakitori for some beer and grilled goodies.

Today, I woke up and said, "uh oh." My body was achy and my throat sore. I was fighting a bug since Wednesday and all the running around this past week finally caught up with me. My body proclaimed its revolt. I still toyed with the idea of attending the 10am bikram class but when I didn't feel better, I pushed it back to 12noon and then to 4:30pm. The Husband thought I was insane. "You have a fever!" he exclaimed, incredulous at my stubbornness or delusion, I couldn't tell. "Do you want to rest today, get better so that you just miss one day of yoga or do you want to go, push yourself, get even more sick, and miss several days of yoga?" he asked. He was my voice of reason and as I looked to my bedside table, I saw the signs -- a mug full of hot water, lemon, and honey; echinacea; cough drops; kleenex -- and knew he was right. I acquiesced to staying in bed.

When my mind remained undecided, I felt restless. Even though I was trying to get some rest in bed, I was anxious. My mind raced. You have to go to yoga. You committed to going 101 days straight. You can't quit now, it's only the second day. You are not determined enough. Think of the disappointment you'll feel if you don't go. Those thoughts and all sorts of others whirled through my mind. They came to a complete stop after I agreed to stay home. After that, I finally managed to close my eyes and go to sleep.

The Latin word caedere means to cut, to kill. English words that end in -cide have their root in caedere (my HS required us to take two years of Latin so thank you to all my Latin teachers for teaching me this fun fact). The more widely known words are suicide, homicide, genocide, pesticide and fungicide. There are hundreds more words that end in -cide but the one we practice daily in our lives and in our yoga is this one: decide. When we make a decision, other options become irrelevant. Today, I decided to honor my body and give it the rest it deserves. In doing so, I silenced my mind.

In bikram, we practice silencing our minds using pinpoint focus and breath. We decide to let the teacher lead us. We decide to stick a pose and commit to it. We decide to listen to our bodies in order to go deeper or to back off. We decide to find stillness in between postures.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed about not going to yoga today. But I have decided to look on the bright side: missing yoga today is an opportunity to do a double, something I have never done before.

A fresh start, a new beginning

2010-01-01T17:22:00.002-05:00

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time.

- T.S. Eliot

Day 1

Happy New Year everyone!

I rolled out of bed 9:15am this morning, awoken by an alarm clock so that I could attend the only class offered by my nearby studio at 10am. I slept at 2:30 this morning after a large meal of lots of noodles (pancit canton represented the Filipino variety and spaghetti for the Italian variety) for long life and round things (meatballs, brussel sprouts, mandarines, grapefruits, grapes, and pancakes -- yes they are flat but circular so I guess they count) for prosperity. This is a Filipino tradition to ring in the new year that my family has done as early as I can remember and if The Husband and I are in town, we do it at our home and have my mother over.

With an unsettled stomach and sleep dust still in my eyes, I walked to the studio along a desolate street. Remnants from the night's festivities remained -- firecracker paper, broken plastic new year's hats, trash. "Please don't let me be the only one in class," I thought to myself as I looked around and saw no one. Thankfully, I walked into the studio lobby and there was life. Eight students were guided today by Caroline, a sweet teacher whose instructions were so clear that I all I could was completely entrust myself into her hands.

My old knee injury decided to make its appearance at awkward pose, first set. Halfway through the second part of awkward, I felt a sharp twinge and came out early and by the time we got to the third part, the most uncomfortable feeling in my knee (as if a huge air bubble was in there waiting to burst) admittedly scared me to go down no more than 3 inches. I bit my lip, tried to let it go and tried to breath normally. All I could do was stand there with my arms up and tight. I wonder if it's my mind or my body telling me to back off when I get that uncomfortable "air bubble" feeling. It's not sharp, acute pain but there is such immense pressure that my breath goes out of wack and that's my cue to back off. Any thoughts out there fellow yogis?

During our long savasana as we transitioned between the standing and floor series, Caroline said, "while the rest of Astoria sleeps through their hangovers, you are here doing yoga." I smiled. I never did any kind of exercise on New Year's Day and it felt great to start the day, to start the new year with an activity that focuses on me. There are many traditions I do for the near year like the midnight dinner or wearing polka dots (remember circles represent prosperity!). Perhaps doing yoga could be a new tradition I add to the list.

A big dose of culture

2009-12-26T12:09:00.011-05:00

My office is closed between Christmas & New Year! This year, The Husband and I decided to stay home rather than travel overseas. I am looking forward to my week off to recuperate and relax. I already know how my week is going to shake out. It's going to consist of bargain shopping, reading, bikram yoga, baking, and museum visits! There are soooo many awesome exhibits in NYC right now (below is a list of what I want to see) and I'm excited to catch up on my culture. Will let you know what I think from each visit.

American Museum of Natural History [AMNH]
Traveling the Silk Road: Ancient Pathway to the Modern World

Brooklyn Museum
James Tissot: 'The Life of Christ'

Guggenheim
Kandinsky

Morgan Library & Museum
A Woman's Wit: Jane Austen's Life & Legacy

Museum of Modern Art [MOMA]
Bauhaus 1919-1933: Workshops for Modernity
Monet's Water Lilies
Tim Burton

Whitney Museum of American Art
Georgia O’Keeffe: Abstraction

Merry Christmas!!!

2009-12-25T23:48:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas to all of you!

May the joy of the season be present in your hearts and lives today and always!

Christmas with my sweet hubby & one of my presents: a plush sea otter!!

In the background is a parol, which represents the star of Bethlehem.

Parols are a staple decoration during the Christmas season in the Philippines.

There's a New Studio in Town!!!

2009-12-19T14:12:00.005-05:00

OH. MY. GAWD. My jaw dropped weeks ago when I saw a sign and banners come up out of nowhere in my neighborhood. My neighborhood! Hooray!! There's a bikram studio is open in Astoria, Queens! I couldn't believe it. The studio is just a short walk from my house!! Now I will know what it feels like to simply walk to my studio rather than commute to one via subway, which I do now.

I think the opening of this studio became a major reason for participating in the bikram 101 challenge. While it is easy to get to my regular studio in Manhattan during the week because of work, it is a bit of a hassle on the weekends when I don't need to go into the city. Now, I can easily practice on the weekends without having to worry about a 25 minute commute. It is often longer on the weekends because the subways get re-routed or delayed.

I learned that the owner/director is Jim Kallet, a senior bikram instructor who owns a studio in San Diego. From the online schedule, I saw that he was teaching the 10am class so I went. He happened to be running late so class started with another instructor. By time we reached awkward pose, he took over. He was a great teacher; encouraging yet calm. After eagle pose, he took the time to explain to us what it means to lock the knee. He stuck out his right leg and straightened it while explaining that his leg was not locked because the muscles above his knee were slack. Then he pointed to his kneecap and said, "Watch what happens to my kneecap when I lock my knee." And ever so slowly, he tightened his quadricep and his knee cap rose as if in slow-motion. His thigh muscle became more defined. It was so beautiful watch as I have never seen a teacher so clearly demonstrate what it means to "lock the knee".

Jim giving a seminar.

Photo is courtesy of Bikram Yoga Paradise Valley in Pheonix, AZ.

By the time we got to the right side of triangle, he kept encouraging me to keep rotating my torso and my neck so that the profile of my face faced the mirror. Afterwards, he asked if I had a tighter right side. I nodded my head. During the spine strengthening series' savasanas, my neck muscles always feel tighter when I put my right ear on the floor. Left ear, no problem. I guess he also heard from Nancy, the studio manager, that I was doing the 101 challenge and confirmed it during class. Then he talked about the benefits of doing bikram for 100 days straight and how this yoga is the "Key to the Kingdom of Health".

You'll definitely be hearing more from me about this studio as I intend to practice here on the weekends!

Bikram Yoga in Astoria, Queens
32-03 Steinway Street (at Broadway)
Astoria, NY 11103
718-777-YOGA
http://www.bikramyogaqueensny.com/

Bikram 101 Challenge

2009-12-16T16:55:00.001-05:00

The Husband thinks I'm insane. Mind you, he recently joined me and started doing bikram yoga. He's been at it for about 2 months, three days a week (he emphatically stated that 3 days a week was enough for him...and he doesn't want me blogging about his progress so I'm going to respect his wishes and restrain from commenting about his practice). As a married couple, we journey together in life and I was absolutely thrilled when he decided to join me in the sweat box and stick to it. But I'm on my own on this challenge. He will cheer and support me from the sidelines.

Since I started practicing back in March, I've been wanting to do a 30 day challenge, where one practices bikram once a day for 30 days straight. I never got around to committing and then through thedancingj's blog, I discovered she and a few other bikram yogis are organizing a Bikram 101 challenge. They are so inspiring and so on top of things! They have created a website, a facebook page, and a twitter account.

There is no way I would've embarked on this commitment alone. And even though I am fretting just a teensy weensy bit about going 101 days straight, I am comforted by the fact that so many others around the world will be doing this with me and that the cyberspace will house the community of participating yogis.

Why 101 days? Read all about the reasons here. I could definitely use physical and emotional healing and I think it's a great way to start the new year! I look forward to the commitment and the discipline it will take to fulfill this challenge. By the time the challenge will be done, I would've celebrated another birthday. It would be a great gift to myself and I was inspired by Charlie, another bikram yogi who did a 60 day challenge that ended right on his 60th birthday.

In typical Aries fashion, as if 101 straight days of bikram isn't enough, I've decided to blog about it and do something akin to Flickr's 365Days Project, where you take a self-portrait every day for 365 days straight. Instead of 365 days, I'm going to only do 101 days, in conjunction with the bikram challenge. I was inspired to do this by i love sweat's blog who always starts his posts with a picture.

So wish me luck folks! I will need it as well as your encouragement, your support, and good cheer!

Yoga Youth Day

2009-10-22T23:02:00.008-04:00

One of my teachers organized a "Yoga Youth Day" two Saturdays ago and I haven't had a chance to blog about it. In its original concept, the day was to involve several bikram studios in the tri-state area and invite low income kids from the community to take a class with the hope that these kids could somehow continue practicing through some kind of financial assistance program.

Unfortunately, 3 of the 4 studios originally intending to participate had to back out. But my studio remained. Weeks ago, my teacher invited me to join the event and asked if I could be one of the adults standing in the front row to be an example for the kids to mimic. I was honored at the invitation and I was excited to participate!

Although the intention was to have boys and girls participate, the school assigned to our studio happened to be The Young Women's Leadership School in East Harlem (cool little tidbit: this all-girl's public school has been so successful in preparing low-income girls of color for college that the school has been and is being replicated throughout NYC and the country). We had 20 sweet girls between the ages of 14-17 practice today with 6 adults in the front, two of them teachers at my studio. We had a blast! My teacher managed to get new mats and t-shirts with the "Yoga Youth Day" logo donated for the girls and Vita Coco and electrolyte water donated for the class.

It really is amazing to practice with youth -- the energy in the room was powerful and positive. Here's what the young women taught me that day:

Lightheartedness
When some of my teachers notice a lot of us adults getting frustrated, they'll say, "Smile! It's only yoga." During warm up, in the first set of backbend, the girls after trying a few seconds just busted out laughing and then the whole room was giggling even the adults. My sense is that none of them had ever done a backbend before. Unlike the adults who huff and puff and muscle their way through a backbend, the girls just laughed. Laughed. When was the last time you smiled in the mirror after a you fall out of a tough pose?

Fearlessness
As my teacher delivered the dialogue for toe stand, those girls were down and in the pose faster than you can say "bikram". No hesitation. No fear. I was in serious awe. A lot of newbies in my studio can't go into toe stand. The physical act is so foreign to them that my teachers always keep encouraging newbies to try it step by step. And even regulars like me hesitate with toe stand. I can go into toe stand just fine on the left side. But the right side, with my "bad" right knee? Not so much. And I will admit that sometimes it is physical pain that holds me back but most of the time, it is mental. I anticipate that I will feel pain and because I don't want to feel pain, I am afraid to try. It's something I work on every day. Those girls were an inspiration.

Faith
Every single one of those girls was in camel. I know because I stayed in camel and I was in the front row and could see and feel stillness in the room. Nobody came out early. Nobody turned around and went into savasana. Those girls tilted their head back, pushed their hips forward, and reached for their heels, trusting they were there. They breathed and they stayed. Beautiful.

Lead by Example
In my studio, those in the front row serve as the leaders and role models for the class. During class, when the teacher thinks the front row isn't working hard enough or is sloppy, (s)he will say, "Front row: be the role models!" and everyone straightens up. Practicing in front of those girls, I was focused and solid yet still lighthearted. I worked harder for them so they could see, learn, and perhaps be inspired. In turn, they taught me so much.

I never had so much fun doing bikram until today! And those 90 minutes just flew by. Wouldn't it be cool if our regular practice could fly by in the same way?

Whoa Camel!

2009-10-10T07:03:00.004-04:00

There have been some crazy cool things that my body experienced this week during bikram practice. Last Tuesday, in final savasana, I felt a vibration going up and down my body. The feeling was more like little zings akin to a taught guitar string being plucked. The zings happened first in my hands. Then at my elbows, shoulders, chest, stomach, legs, feet. Kinda cool.

And then there was last night's class. Whoa. Remember how I posted an article earlier about yoga making you horny? Before you get your mind in the gutter, this post is not about my getting horny last night. When I read first read that article, I asked myself how it is possible to feel moments of ecstasy when all I feel during my practice is the opposite?

But something cool and yes, admittedly kinda freaky (I'm not gonna be all zen about it and lie) happened during camel. In the first set, I got into it fine and by the middle of it, I started getting nauseous. I kept my breathing steady and my pinpoint focus. Thankfully, my teacher called out "change" and I quickly went into savasana and just kept breathing, allowing my queasy feelings to go. I forced myself to do a sit up and as I set up for second set, the wave of nausea hit me again and my teacher's voice sounded distant. My mind panicked and screamed, "You're going to faint!" I looked straight into my eyes in the mirror and remembered what my teacher once told me, "Your mind will quit before your body will." As I finished this thought and searched for my strength somewhere deep inside, my teacher said, "I want all of us to commit to staying in this posture the whole time. If you come out early, I guarantee you are not getting 100% of the emotional benefits."

Somehow, that was exactly what I needed to hear. Emotional benefits? Reaping 100% of them? Yes, sign me up please! And besides, this bout of nausea during camel came last week with the same teacher and when I just knelt with my hands at the back of my hips in second set, she called me out! I definitely didn't want her calling me out this week.

Despite the nausea and a fear of fainting, I set my hands to the back of my hips, pushed them forward and tilted my head back. I hit my wall but I forced myself to push, push, push past the nausea with my mantra, "BREATHE." I saw the ceiling...where the ceiling met the wall...where the wall met the floor...and then the front of someone's mat in the third row. I was in the middle of whatever it was. Suddenly, I felt as if someone stabbed me in my pubic bone and then heat was radiating out of that point. As my mind screamed "BREATHE!!!!!" the heat kept coming. When I came out of it, the heat stopped and I was completely spent.

Later, I described what happened to my teacher and she said, "That's awesome!!!" You are opening up a chakra!" As soon as I got home, I tried to identify which chakra it could be and I believe it is the first one, the root chakra or muladhara. Here's what this website says about the root chakra:

When the root chakra is balanced you feel grounded, centered, and able to live in the here and now effortlessly. You feel alive with a strong connection to yourself and those around you. Your life is working on all levels, but even if there are areas that are not working you are confident that they will work out. You are healthy and want to take care of yourself, usually manifesting as an interest in your nutritional intake and physical exercise.

Hmmm...interesting. During my practice, when I need to find my pinpoint focus, I look to my belly button not to the spot between my two eyes. The navel, or the piko according to Hawaiians, is the center. It connects us to the source of life.

Without going into terribly boring details, all my life growing up bicultural, I never felt rooted. I always felt like a drifter with one foot in Filipino culture and the other foot in American culture. Two years ago, The Healer said that I needed to go back to the Philippines and feel the place of my birth with my bare feet. I heeded his advice and it was a beautiful trip. I brought my husband and introduced him to all those who I loved and loved me. They loved him. My family treated me differently, as if I had credibility now as a married woman. And most importantly, it allowed my dad and I to show affection to each other. In the last two months, MoJo and I have discussed buying a home and we are currently house hunting. This self-proclaimed nomad want to put down roots.

Being Present

2009-10-08T22:46:00.000-04:00

I got hooked after regularly taking a few bikram yoga classes last spring. I immediately canceled my gym membership to join a studio. Weeks after canceling my gym membership, I canceled my trainer who I worked with for five years. Thank goodness he didn’t take it personally, for which I was grateful.

After seven months of a regular practice, I can finally articulate why I feel so committed to bikram and why this yoga is my only form of exercise.

I am present in the moment.

There are days when this practice kicks my ass and I feel like jelly and can't seem to hold any posture or run out of the room screaming as if I was on fire. There are days when my knee is does not cooperate and screams out in pain during a pose and I have to back off with a wince and an irregular breath. There are days when I feel strong and solid yet supple. There are days when my body opens and goes further than it ever did even if it is only a quarter of an inch. Regardless of what my practice is that day, I remain present in that moment.

Despite how hard bikram can be, I still look forward to going. I never EVER felt that way about going to the gym or seeing my trainer and now I know why. Every time I ran on a treadmill, pedaled on a bike, or climbed stairs to nowhere, I tried to forget what I was doing. I watched TV, listened to my ipod, read a book/magazine/newspaper, attempted to solve a puzzle. I didn’t want to focus on the monotony of movement so I diverted my attention to something else. My mind and body were disconnected and I was bored and uninspired.

It is impossible to be disconnected during my practice. My mind is aware but does not think. It listens to the teacher and heeds my body. My body moves with intention and purpose. I exhibit faith, compassion, openness, listening, forgiveness, and fortitude. This must be why we call this practice a moving meditation. It requires that we dig deep into ourselves, in a place that houses our spirit, our strength, our divinity.

I can never go back to a gym and I can never again exercise in a cold room.

DWTS's Tribute to Patrick Swayze

2009-09-24T12:46:00.003-04:00

I thought it was so awesome that Dancing With the Stars did a tribute to Patrick Swayze last night.

Every time I watch awesome ballroom dancing, it inspires me to take lessons. Unfortunately, MoJo dislikes dancing although he does it sometimes at weddings to make me happy. I am grateful that I don't have to drag him kicking and screaming to the dance floor. But boy, how I wish we ballroom danced together for fun. :-/

Bikram Yoga East Harlem

2009-09-20T18:04:00.012-04:00

Yesterday, I decided to practice at Bikram East Harlem because I've heard so many wonderful things about the place from fellow bikram yogis at my studio. I planned to take the 11am class with teacher and studio owner Stephanie Pope Caffey. It was a bit of a schlep from my apartment but it was worth the trip and I'm happy I went. Besides, I love checking out different studios.

First, the studio is beautiful, clean, and not smelly (I won't mention any names but there are definitely some studios here in the city that have some serious funk going on and it smacks your olfactory nerve as soon as you open the front door, which is a real shame). The color palette of the studio is brown and ochre yellow with lots of wood (hardwood floors, bath mats, doors, blinds) and candles. The studio occupies the upper two floors of a three-story walk-up. The first floor is the lobby, men and women's locker rooms, a small waiting area, and a small studio for private sessions. The main studio on the second floor is bright with windows that allow lots of natural light and high ceilings. Right outside the hot room, is a small waiting area that houses a rotating art gallery of work from local artists.

I was greeted by a sweet, older woman at the desk. Later, I find out it is Stephanie's mom (Stephanie's sister is the studio's operations manager) who was so sweet that I wanted to take her home! She got me registered, checked me in, and pointed out the lay of the land. From the moment I entered the lobby, I was struck by the fact that the studio truly served the community. Most of the peoople milling about the studio were African-American and in my class at 11am, the majority of the students were multicultural in background. I had never practiced in a US yoga studio where this was the case. In fact, Stephanie is the first black yoga teacher I've ever had. So cool! I set myself up and when Stephanie walked in, she asked me to identify myself. "Welcome to the studio," she said warmly. "Thank you," I replied. And then we began our 90-minute moving meditation. She was a great teacher: stuck to the dialogue, was encouraging and compassionate, called out corrections to students, and reminded us to practice our stillness in between postures. At some point during the class, Stephanie said to a student, "You are in a safe place here. As teachers, we do a lot of talking. If you listen carefully and follow our instructions, you will be okay. I am here to help you so let yourself try. (pause) Outside this studio, well, that's different!" Another time, she really encouraged us to go for it in each and every pose and asked us to consider this: "Instead of anticipating the end of the posture and waiting to hear 'change', you hear 'change' and then give it one last push and go for your best before you come out." Hmmm...never thought of it that way.

After my shower, Stephanie and I chatted a bit. She offered to give me back my money and I looked at her quizically.

Me: Really?! My class is free?
Stephanie: Yes, teachers are free.
Me: Oh!!! I'm not a teacher!
Stephanie: Really?! Ok, then you don't get your money back. (laughs) I totally mistook you for a teacher! You have such a beautiful practice.
Me: Awwww...thank you so much!! You know, you're not the first person who has said that to me.
Stephanie: Have you thought about becoming one?
Me: Definitely.

I've considered teaching, yes. And I've even considered becoming a studio owner. But there's something in my heart that tells me to wait. Now doesn't seem to be the right time.

If I lived in the neighborhood, I would totally support Stephanie's studio, because who doesn't want to support a business that is a total asset to the local community?! If you are a regular bikram yogi in the city or simply visiting the city, consider checking out her studio. It is a family-run business that is warm, welcoming, and captures the heart and soul of yoga.

This is Stephanie teaching. Look how pumped she is. You go girl!

All photos are courtesy of Bikram Yoga East Harlem.

Bikram Yoga East Harlem
4 East 116th Street
New York, NY 10029
(b/w Fifth & Madison Avenues)
212-369-1830 (Phone)
212-369-1824 (Fax)
www.bikramyogaeastharlem.com

RIP Patrick Swayze

2009-09-14T22:36:00.009-04:00

As a teenager, I fondly looked back at the 80s and divided the decade into two distinct periods: pre-Dirty Dancing & post-Dirty Dancing. I still divide the 80s that way today.

Yes. The release of Dirty Dancing in 1987 opened up my innocent 11-year-old eyes and mind. You could say that it was a coming of age for me as the movie introduced me to issues of class, women's rights, and charged sexuality. I had to sneak into the theater to watch Dirty Dancing because it was rated PG-13. Immediately, I related to Baby Houseman whose jaw you see drop in the following scene when introduced to something she had never been exposed to. I understood her rapidly changing emotions from discomfort to embarrassment to curiosity as she watched what has happening in front of her. When Johnny beckons Baby with his finger, she goes from being a voyuer to a participant. And just when she's just about getting the hang of it and she begins to enjoy herself, she is spun around and is left wanting more.

Dirty Dancing - Baby Meets Johnny

Like Baby, my jaw dropped watching everything I was being exposed to. I especially couldn't help but be mesmerized by the undulation of Patrick Swayze's hips. Like the generations before me who went gaga for Elvis Presley and John Travolta, there is just something captivating and incredibly sexy about a man who has the ability to move his hips with such suave grace. I was hooked. He was my biggest crush in the 6th grade.

When Patrick Swayze was promoting the movie, he was a guest on Z100, the local radio station. I was one of the lucky call-in winners that won an autographed copy of the soundtrack on cassette tape (which I still own)! I also asked my friend to tape the movie on VHS when it aired on HBO since we didn't have cable. When the tape was ready, I rode my bike to her house without telling my mother. I kept watching it and watching it to the point that I even memorized Baby's steps in their dance number.

Dirty Dancing - Final Dance Scene

Little did I know that this movie would capture my heart again in seven years when I enrolled at the very college that Baby was going to attend to study economics. Lines like, "Baby's going to Mount Holyoke in the Fall" and "[My name is]Frances...after the first woman in the Cabinet" suddenly had extra special meaning.

So thank you Patrick Swayze for your movies and your dance moves. Thank you for inspiring me to shake my own hips on the dance floor and to fall in love with ballroom dancing. Thank you for teaching us how to live with courage in the final chapter of our lives. And thank you for being a Hollywood anamoly: a devoted husband to your wife of 34 years.

Oh yeah, and thanks for teaching us about humility and the ability to mock yourself.

Patrick Swayze & Chris Farley - Chippendale SNL Skit

For a real in-depth analysis of Dirty Dancing check out this blog.

Steamy Poll for Bikram Yogis

2009-08-19T15:02:00.002-04:00

Here's the link to the article on lemondrop.com but I figured I would just paste it below to save you the click!

As for moi? Nope, never happend to me...even in camel. The best I've ever felt in camel is peace and contentment but never euphoria and certainly not arousal! How about you fellow Bikram yogis?

Jul 2nd 2009 By Erin Donnelly

Can Hot Yoga Make You Horny?

2 Comments

I'm in a darkened room with a couple dozen other people, all of us dripping in sweat, pushing our lithe (OK, mostly lithe) bodies to the limit and breathing heavily. The room grows dimmer, the heat grows more palpable, and as we flop down to the floor, a warm, euphoric rush courses through our bodies.

One word: Yogasm.

I can't speak for everyone in myBikram yoga class -- a 90-minute, 26-posture Hatha Yoga practice in which the room is heated to a minimum of 105 degrees -- but let's just say I don't show up to class just to get frizzy hair and see how long I can balance on one foot before toppling into the person next to me.

Judging by the contented smiles and satisfied groans at the end of class, I can only assume I'm not the only one who finds that bending it like Bikram is pretty handy at hitting the G-spot.

Read how Erin flexed her sex life after the jump.

Certified Bikram yoga instructor Jessica Loera agrees. "It's more than just the heat that our students are addicted to," she confides.

Oh My God! According to BikramYoga.com, by warming and stretching the body, the exercises "systematically move fresh oxygenated blood to 100 percent of your body, to each organ [Editor's note: ahem] and fiber." When stretching and balancing (say, standing in a wide-open stance with your body twisted and your arms stretched to the ceiling), you build pressure and cut off blood supply. But when the pressure is released, it creates a "lock-gate effect," and the blood comes rushing back.

Or, as Loera puts it, "It's all in the circulation, baby!"

Though I've never actually had the big O in a yoga class, there's definitely been some strong stirrings of arousal, usually when the sit-down exercises start towards the end of class.

Remember the rope in gym class? It's like that. One well-positioned cobra pose and I'm ready to grab the six-pack-blessed guy to my left (or at least my guy as soon as I get home) and bring this baby to a climax.

Sexyasana If you're not up to committing 90 minutes to a full class (it's an intensive workout), you can crank up the heat at home and try a feel-sexy pose that Loera swears by: the camel pose (pictured, right).

Says Loera, "The camel pose is well known in the industry for inducing some very particular feelings that many students describe as 'near-orgasmic.' From the looks on the faces of some of my students, I'd say that's a fair assessment. Imagine 300 Bikram yoga-teacher trainees collectively feigning climax during camel pose after nine weeks of intensive Bikram yoga training!"

We're sold. Here's how to pull it off.

Camel pose: -Stand up on your knees with 6 inches between your knees and feet. -Place hands on hips, thumbs on the outside, fingers pointing down. -Relax head all the way back and look at the floor behind you. -Inhale and lift chest up towards the ceiling; exhale and push hips all the way forward, then come back halfway. -Bring hands one at a time to the heels, thumbs outside, fingers inside (without dropping hips back). -Keep head relaxed and breathe in through the nose. Inhale chest up, exhale through the nose and push hips forward. Keep the eyes open and keep breathing.

So ... was it good for you?

Tell Us: Have you ever come close to having the big O while exercising?

Recycle Your Old Sneakers

2009-08-14T13:54:00.003-04:00

Just dropped off our ratty, old sneakers at my local Niketown. Nike has a great program called "Reuse A Shoe" that accepts any brand of athletic shoes and recycles them to create raw materials for new basketball and tennis courts, and running tracks. Check out their website for a local drop-off station near you or ship your shoes to their recycling center in Oregon. Pretty cool, eh?

6am Bikram classes: the struggle & the payoff

2009-08-13T11:38:00.005-04:00

Now that the days are getting shorter, I wake up at 4:50 am to find it dark outside. What was once a 30-minute battle (some have lasted up to an hour!) with the snooze button in my pre-Bikram days, has now decreased to a 5-minute battle. Here's the dialogue that usually runs through my head the moment I hear the alarm and slap it off:

Thank you God for giving me another day of life to serve you!

Hope MoJo didn't hear my alarm and wake up...

It's really 4:52. Ok, I'm not dreaming.

If I'm getting to yoga today, I need to get on that 5:15 train.

Well...if I don't make it...I can still go tonight...

Hmm...If I go tonight, I won't be home till 8:30. Dinner at 9.

Ugh. I don't want to deal with the after-work crowd at the studio and the jostling in the locker room!

15 students in the morning versus 70 students in the evening?

Duh. That's a no brainer. Ok fine, I'm up.

That's my internal morning struggle.

But the BIG payoff is two and half hours later in final savasana or corpse pose. I liken final savasana to getting into the jacuzzi after swimming laps in the pool. After working hard for 90 minutes, I look to final savasana as my reward especially when I don't need to rush out. I can just lie there and bliss out. This is why 6am classes twice a week are worth it. By the time we're done at 7:30, I still have another 1.5 hours before needing to get to work. With the pressure of needing to be somewhere gone, I'm fully relaxed and I find myself falling into a light sleep. Sometimes I even dream. This time, I don't need an alarm. I wake up naturally & look around to an empty, quiet hot room. With a calm mind, a relaxed body, and an open heart, I love being the last one out.

Chopped!!!

2009-08-11T22:44:00.003-04:00

I was so sick of the long hair, which I've had for years so I decided to chop 10 inches off. The last time I cut my hair short was in 1999. It was even shorter than this, a pixie cut. I would say this is a Katie Holmes-inspired bob.

When the hairdresser was done, my head felt lighter. And on a hot, humid day like today, the back of my neck and shoulders feel bare and cool. I kept the hair and plan to donate it to a charity like Locks of Love. Pantene has a program that accepts hair donations too.

I can't wait to hear what my colleagues in the office will say when I walk in tomorrow!

Where the name comes from

2009-08-10T09:43:00.000-04:00

Ever wonder why I call myself "ActionJoJo"?

In college, everyone called me "Jo" and my best friend called me "JoJo". During our senior year, my friend Katie, who had just returned from a junior year abroad in Germany saw me and shouted out "JoJoAction!" Huh? She never called me that before. She explained it like this:

When I was in Germany, there was this hit song called "Jojo Action" by a group called Mr. President. Every time they played it, I thought of you! ::starts singing::

Listen JoJo Action

Gimme satisfaction

JoJo c'est la vie

Well, needless to say, she called me that ever since then. When I created this blog, I tried to use "jojoaction" but it was taken. So "ActionJoJo" was born!

And for a real treat, here's the music video to the song!

Update! Read all about it.

2009-08-09T20:27:00.010-04:00

I notice that I'm the kind of blogger who pauses and stops writing for a long time for a variety of reasons. Then, I somehow get inspired and I pick it up again. So here I am. Back. Almost one and half years later. Lots have happened since March 08.

Celebrated my 10 year college reunion. The weekend was amazing and it made me realize how much I missed my 4 years at school.

Barack was elected president! Woot! I still love me some Hillary and was disappointed when she lost to Obama. Nevertheless, I'm happy with how things turned out.

I became an official TripVlogger for a travelsite called TripFilms and I'll be posting some of the videos I made for them on our trip to Hong Kong. We owe them videos on the Philippines so I'll be posting those soon too. In the meantime, you can check out my videos at Tripfilms here.

MoJo and I went to Hong Kong for New Year 2009 and then on to the Philippines for two weeks to visit my family.

I started practicing Bikram yoga in mid-March and I am an official Bikram junkie!!! I was inspired to try it because of the inspiring healing story of the creator of this yoga, Bikram Choudhury. He crushed his knee in a weightlifting accident as a young adult and Western doctors proclaimed he would never walk again. He proved them wrong. This practice has healed countless people physically, mentally, & emotionally including myself.

I had arthroscopic surgery back in 1991 and my knee was never the same. I always likened my knee to a shattered vase pieced together. Over the years, it would lock out, feel tight, feel like there were air bubbles in. I didn't have any strength in it nor flexibility. In March 09, I was leaning heavily on a banister to go down stairs because my knee didn't feel strong enough. I've been an active person despite working out at the gym, running, power walking, hiring a trainer. But over the years, my knee just weakened. Besides the knee, I had other joint/muscle issues: I pulled my back out several times, the tendons in my shoulder were starting to fray causing severe paine, my wrists hurt (I thought I had carpel tunnel), my ankles were starting to hurt. In fact, you can read me blog about it back in 2005. I felt like I was a 30 year old living in a 60 year old body. It was depressing to say the least. One acupuncturist friend who treated me told me that my body has a tendency to produce high levels of acid (caused mainly by stress, anger, and the food I eat) that is causing my joint pain/injury. She recommended that I sweat the acid out. Enter Bikram yoga and the inspiring story of healing by Bikram himself. I made a commitment to practicing 5-6 days a week and after 5 months I am so happy to say that all my joint paint has virtually disappeared. I say virtually because my knee pain has decreased tremendously and is on its way to healing fully. I feel like I've been given a new body with my regular practice. In addition to all the physical benefits (did I mention that I've lost weight), emotionally and mentally I'm also a different person. I am happier, more centered and at peace, and most importantly, I've been able to manage the stress in my daily life so well. Things that would make me fly off the handle before, don't bother me anymore. It's been an amazing and transformative experience. But I had to earn it. Healing on any level is not passive; it is an active engagement of your mind, body, and spirit. It takes commitment, hard work, discipline, and yes, sometimes pain to achieve breakthroughs. There's a time and place for medicine. Yes. However, I feel our society has become so dependent on pills to solve our issues when in fact pills just treat the symptom (and create more problems with side effects) and don't target the cause.

And most recently, we just came back from vacation. We went on a 9-day cruise to the Caribbean. Let's just say I'm not running to sign up for my next cruise. It was good to spend time with MoJo's family and not have to work for 9 days. The best part was sitting on a deck chair, facing the horizon and reading a book. Other than that, I can do without the overconsumption of food, alcohol, and goods. I'll stick to off-the-beaten path traveling unless it's a cruise to the Galapagos or the South Pacific!

The video camera has arrived!

2008-03-08T17:31:00.002-05:00

It's here, it's here!!! MoJo and I ordered a Sony Handycam DCR-SR300 thanks to a recommendation by photographer extraordinaire Tony Yang. We are very excited to use it.

Look out for a future vlog by me, a sign of things to come...

Hillary won TX, OH, RI!

2008-03-05T14:27:00.005-05:00

I love this photo taken by David Ahnhtolz for The New York Times.
Absolutely brilliant.

Also, check out Tina Fey after the writer's strike on SNL's Weekend Update.
Haha! My favorite lines?

"B**ches get things done!"

"B**ch is the new black!"

Totally LMAO

Still Got the Moves

2008-02-17T19:52:00.001-05:00

...and the stamina. Ha! Four Tanqueray and tonics and some unrecognizable shot later, I was still standing at 4:30 this morning. I was out celebrating my cousin's birthday at Strata. It was a nice little group of her friends, whom I've never met. But you know me, I can hang with anyone. And I sure did...and they were all 8 years my junior. They must've thought me a dinosaur. I chuckled to myself when two asked each other in wonderment, "When did we grow up and get old?" LOL -- ok spring chicken at @ 24. Yeah, you're old. And I'm a well preserved mummy. It's all good though because I had a great time...and just my sheer experience taught these kids a thing or too about confidence. ;) I'm so happy to be in my 30s!

Last night, I dusted off my dancing shoes and showed off my dance moves. It was a small blessing that MoJo wasn't there. He would've been bored to tears and begging to go home, which would've totally cramped my style cuz I'm a dancer! Had great fun. This episode of clubbing should last me a couple of months. Not my thing as it once used to be.

Who Needs Valentine's Day?!

2008-02-15T12:33:00.001-05:00

MoJo and I boycott Valentine's Day. We did it when we were single and we do it now in our first year of marriage. It wasn't too long ago either when we spent many a Valentine's Day alone. So we are stickin' it to VDay and hanging out with the rest of the world who have got more important things to do with our time...and our money for that matter.

Why should we allow Hallmark to dictate when to express our loving or appreciative feelings towards our loved ones? Puhleaze. We are not contributing to this ridiculous $17 billion sham. As cliché as it is, Valentine's Day should be every day.

(Hint: I'll take Jacques Torres dark chocolates any day please!)

So what did we do instead? We ordered take out from Jaya, one of our favorite Malaysian restaurants in NYC (we always order the same thing: out of this world crispy squid appetizer -- the best, we ordered two orders because I wasn't willing to share; salted fish fried rice; roti canai and beef randang). We opened a bottle of 2003 bottle of Pinot Noir from Gundlach Bundschu, a vineyard we visited when we went to CA in 2005. Afterwards, we picked one of our Netflix movies to watch. We picked Transformers, the most un-Valentine movie of the group. What a waste of two hours though! It was terrible movie: the acting was mediocre, the storyline had lots of holes, the writing was bad, and the special effects were just uninspiring.

Moleskine to the Rescue

2008-02-11T12:31:00.007-05:00

I'm really excited. I always am whenever I get something new.

The tendency with big bags is to fill it with stuff. When I had shoulder issues, I switched to using small bags in order to be disciplined about putting only things I needed in my purses.

Well, no more shoulder issues and I fell in love with my blue big bag. Despite my attempt to keep only what I need to a minimum, I still manage to walk around carrying the weight of gold. My bag has become a black hole for stuff that I think I need. Of course, there's my book that I'm reading and my 3 inch journal, my water bottle. Ack! The burden is becoming too great.

So I went and bought these and what a relief! My 3-inch think, 5 pound journal. Out! Usher in my new, sleek, and more importantly slim and lightweight moleskine. The recipient of all my hopes, dreams, ideas, gratitudes, and yes, even fears. My heart speaking in a tangible form. And each book has 80 pages each. Plenty of room to jot down things and tote around everywhere!

I've always liked Moleskines especially when I discovered a flickr group dedicated to art and poetry found in Moleskines. The pictures are pretty inspiring! I always look at them wishing I had the God given talent to draw. But alas no. God gave me other gifts to cultivate.

SUPER FAT Tuesday

2008-02-05T23:26:00.000-05:00

Are the stars grossly aligned so well that we are celebrating Super and Fat Tuesday on the same day? And of course, there's the Giants and the ticker tape parade in downtown Manhattan this morning. And there's Chinese New Year in two days!!!

I'm completely over-stimulated, I must admit.

I did my civic duty and voted after work. Is this a great great presidential race this year, or what?!! I never thought that I would ever see such fervor in this country to vote especially among young people. I'm used to their complacency, feelings of disenfranchisement, and total lack of interest. I just watched ABC News and thus far, 11 million registered Democrats came out and voted nationwide tonight. And of the tallied votes there is only a 17,000 popular vote difference between Clinton and Obama. It's an exciting nail biter!!!

After I voted, I witnessed a very sweet moment in front of the local public library, which served as a polling place on days like today: an African-American woman was taking a picture of her daughter, who couldn't have been more than 5 years old. As I walked up to them, I realized they had just voted together and the mom was taking a picture of the historic event and her daughter held open a big sign hanging around her neck...kinda like those folks on a NYC corner wearing billboards and distributing flyers for manicures, eyebrow threading, or men's custom suit tailoring. I was thrilled that this little girl was getting taught at an early age about the importance of this civic duty! Touched by this moment, I stopped and offered to take their picture together. Mom agreed and as I was about to take the picture, I had to ask the girl to open up her sign since it got crushed because she was so busy hugging mom. She was so cute as she obediently followed my instructions, revealing a homemade sign with a picture of Obama that said, "Obama for President".

Doesn't this story just make your heart melt??? What a country!

There, I've proclaimed my side.

What are the taboo topics one does not discuss on a first date? Religion, politics, and sex (and ex-es as a corollary to this topic). Well, I would rather not discuss these topics either on my blog. So why declare who I support? Because it's important for me to state who I endorse (Ha, like I'm a somebody with any political power or money!) at this juncture of the race.

Hey wait a minute...I voted. Why didn't I act like a total slovenly glutton in honor of Fat Tuesday?

A Minute with Ciarán Hinds

2008-02-04T23:03:00.000-05:00

I relish in my confidence and ability to talk to anyone. With charm and grace, I usually can hold my own in any conversation. College and university presidents, philanthropists, banking CEOs, the young and the old.

Unless...

...I am standing in front of an actor. I can't believe how star struck I get! All my charms drain away and instead, I hear the pounding of my own heart in my ears as they burn searingly hot. Suddenly, all my easy confidence disappears and I have a case of temporary amnesia as to what to say next. A large part of me wants to remain indifferent and am ashamed that I react this way. Heck, these actors are people too; we're no different...well perhaps except in talent and in money?! My NYC pride reminds me that it is totally unfitting for a New Yorker to be flustered with a famous person. This city is a great equalizer; the world continues to turn regardless of who you are. People pay you no mind even if you are a star most of the time.

As a result, I've sat next to Kyle MacLachlan on the subway, dined next to Tom Selleck in a restaurant, seen Denzel Washington doing sit ups with his trainer at the gym, walked past Spike Lee buying his morning bagel from the guy in the corner cart, walked past Jason Biggs on the sidewalk only to encounter Ethan Hawke two minutes later, sitting in the front of a restaurant I entered, ridden the subway with Natalie Merchant and her newborn baby girl, accidentally bumped into Sarah Michelle Gellar, and watched Brad Pitt exit a pediatrician's office with Pax...all with such cool composure you could refrigerate cucumber on my face and body! Puhleaze. I am a New Yorker and I do not create a fool out of myself by gawking at celebrities. This is not Hollywood folks. Decorum, please.

But today was different. A special screening of Persuasion at Brooklyn College featured a Q&A with Ciarán Hinds after the film. He spoke for 15 minutes about the film, its production, and his own particular craft of acting. He was charming, soft-spoken, intelligent, funny, and quite the gentleman. I was struck at how different he is when he performs, most notably evident in his voice. His tone takes on more power, a kind of air if you will, when he's in character, which was lacking tonight. The only time I've noticed this kind of shift in a person is my cousin in the Philippines, Methodiusmonk. The moment he puts on his robes and celebrates Mass, he becomes a different person. Possessed by the Spirit, his exterior shell is of course the same, but his way of being is unrecognizable to us, his family. I suppose this is what I see too when actors are in "the zone"? Or when I used to give presentations; I was "on".

The Q&A session was an absolute delight albeit short. I managed to take some pictures with my camera phone but I felt absolutely silly doing so. As you can see, some pics are blurry because I so wanted to hurry up and put the phone away while equally desiring pictures of Mr. Hinds. Everyone rushed to the stage to ask for autographs and take pictures. I resolved that I would not get his autograph like everybody else. Yes, my NYC pride prevented me. Instead, I exited the auditorium and went to the bathroom in preparation for the hour subway ride home. After exiting the stall, I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Where was the confident woman I loved? Why was I letting this moment slip away? I had an opportunity for a guaranteed minute with Mr. Hinds so why not take it? I reasoned that I was not stalking him on some street corner with a raised picture and pen shoved to his face among a crowd of other fans. No, this opportunity would be more genteel.

So I forced myself to go back into the theater and I happened to be the last person on line. Thinking the woman before me was the last person he would speak with, he got up but then he saw me and stopped. I flashed him my winning smile, the one I've depended on to get out of numerous parking tickets or used to end a debate I've won. "I'm sorry Mr. Hinds. If I could oblige you for one last signature?" "Of course," he said and got back down to his knees. By the way, he was on the stage and I was on the ground. He looked so comfortable in such an uncomfortable position -- on all fours on a hard floor -- I wondered if he regularly did cat/cow poses from that tabletop position he seem to so easily be in? I handed him a playbill for The Seafarer. "I thought you were brilliant in the play," was all I could muster. Oh my wit escaped me! I wish I could've said more like how MoJo was so gripped by the tension that his hands shook at the end of the play! But the moment passed. He looked at me and asked, "To whom shall I address this?" I said my name, spelled it, and I watched him, mesmerized at the deliberate way he wrote. All I could say was, "Oh, I hope it doesn't smear!" referring to my ink pen's possible inability to stick on the shiny playbill cover. Gad, how idiotic did I sound?! When he signed his name, I thanked him again and he said, "Oh, it's alright." I smiled again and practically ran out of the theater relieved that our encounter was over.

I completely came undone.

So here it...a trophy for my courage. It's funny how my wish to meet him and get his autograph on my playbill came true. I remember how much I wanted to wait for him to come out of the theater after the play but I felt silly with MoJo with me. And here, a few days later, I managed to get it in a more intimate and personal setting.

Ask and you shall receive.

UPDATE: Click here to see another blogger writing about the evening's experience and thanks to ClaudeS39, we have a video of Ciarán's appearance that afternoon!

Double Celebration

2008-02-03T23:53:00.000-05:00

Today, MoJo and I celebrate the one-year anniversary of our engagement. I marvel at how much our lives have changed in a mere year. I am absolutely thrilled that we are married now but a year ago, I never did think it was possible even though I wanted it to be so.

This hindsight reminds me that it is not meant for us to know the "how" but merely to express our desire for something and if it is God's will, finds a way to make it possible. A year ago before this day, I imagined we would get engaged in the summer after we graduated and that we would have to wait at least a year before we got married. How would we pay for the wedding knowing full well it would be big since we came from large families? Knots would form in my stomach as all these unanswerable questions swirled and lingered in my mind.

But life threw me a curve ball last February as it did MoJo, who realized that it was the right time to pop the question. And as the saying goes, "When one door closes, another opens." Events happened in such a way that led us to an October 2007 wedding and all sorts of people were incredibly generous. Would I have guessed that our wedding would happen so quickly despite my desire for it to be so? Absolutely not.

Our humanity limits our understanding of the infinitesimal possibilities for things, events, dreams to happen. We cannot see the big canvas of our lives nor are we meant to see. We merely get glimpses. I remember the Historian telling me that God gives us only headlights so that we can only see the few meters ahead.

As I contemplate what I want to do when I grow up this 2008, I must remember that I cannot focus on the how I am to accomplish my dreams. Rather, I am going to simply dream big. And somehow, with faith and purposeful action, each dream will be realized in its appointed time.

If you know what to do to reach your goal, it's not a big enough goal.
- Bob Proctor, Auther & Speaker

Oh, and by the way: can we say best Super Bowl E.V.E.R.?!?!!!!!!!!
Go go go go Giants!!!
Sorry Boston for blemishing your oh-too-perfect record.

AP Photo: Plaxico Burress catching the winning touchdown!!

My Very First Chinese Wedding Banquet

2008-02-02T23:03:00.000-05:00

My friend Jenn and her husband (in the middle) at their Chinese wedding banquet with me & MoJo on the left, and KT & her husband Jason on the right. Jenn, KT, and I went elementary and junior high school together. Jenn & I went to high school together. In the last few years, we recently got back in touch.

Here's a picture of me and a bunch of folks I went to HS with (and partners/spouses). It was great to see them; haven't laid eyes on some of them in 14 years! Looking at us now and comparing our faces to our HS photos (yes, I whipped out the yearbook as soon as I got home), we haven't aged one bit. We all look great!

Jenn's mom and dad who remember me and I them, with fondness. Jenn & I grew up a block away from each other and because we went to the same school for 13 years, we grew close. They always used to give my mom and I a ride to assemblies and such. What great memories I have from childhood of friends from the neighborhood.

The Seafarer by Conor McPherson

2008-02-01T11:09:00.000-05:00

Hurry! See The Seafarer. I can't remember the last time I've seen a play this good. Granted, I don't see a lot of plays but perhaps I might see more now, thanks to this one.

Set in Ireland, the protagonist Sharky returns to take care for his blind older brother. It's Christmas Eve and the two are in the house along with two other friends to drink and play poker. One friend brings a guest from Sharky's past, Mr. Lockheart, who turns out to be the devil himself coming to collect Sharky's soul. Sharky has to win the game in order to save it.

Tension replaced laughter in moments, only to revert back once again to laughter. This cycle continued throughout the play. MoJo was so gripped that he found his hands shaking by the end. It really was that good. The writing was excellent but the acting was even better...if you can imagine something better than excellent.

Conleth Hill, Jim Norton, David Morse, Ciarán Hinds and Sean Mahon
The actors of Conor McPherson's The Seafarer (l-r)
Photo by Joan Marcus

We walked out of the theater absolutely delighted by the play's ability to draw us in and forget about the world for 2.5 hours. As we walked back to the subway, I felt as if I jumped the space-time continuum. I felt disoriented as my eyes tried to adjust to the bright lights of Times Square compared to the drab, dreary house in Ireland I had just been in a few minutes earlier.

For the next hour, MoJo and I discussed the play, compared notes, and continued to feel the endorphin-like effects of having just undergone a fantastic experience. I was so completely moved that my dreams last night were racy and tumultuous. The content of my dreams, I cannot remember. I awoke feeling like my brain ran some kind of marathon...it was spinning and moving so quickly I couldn't hold a moment of it in my hand.

My main reason to see the play centers solely on watching Ciarán Hinds act. Captivated by his portrayal of Frederick Wentworth in the 1995 BBC TV-film version of Jane Austen's Persuasion (my absolute favorite of Jane Austen's novels) he got on my list of "must-see-actors-any-chance-I-get". Tonight, I was not disappointed by his performance and his name remains planted firmly on my list.

Now if Hinds & Alan Rickman can be in a play together, it would be a dream come true! I would be the first in line to get tickets. :)

We ate dinner at Etcetera Etctera and the meal was nothing to write home about. Rarely, do we order dessert but the hazelnut ice cream doused with amaretto and espresso caught our eyes. So we ordered it and we were delighted by the sweetness of the ice cream juxtaposed against the bitterness of the espresso. Why have coffee and dessert separately when you can have it together?! Delicious! And easy enough to make at home.

Get out!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-01-30T12:53:00.000-05:00

What is it with people?!?!?!

I realize that I could be a millionaire right now after a mere three months of marriage! I should contribute a dollar every time someone asks me the following questions:

When are you having a baby?
Are you pregnant (yet)?
Are you and MoJo trying?
What are you waiting for?

Hey, I'll also throw a dollar in the jar if the following statement is made, or some variation of it:

Hurry up, you are old!
Don't wait too long or else when you want them, they won't come.
Do it now before it's too late.
You don't want to be having kids late in life.

SHUT UP AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MY REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM!

Encouragement & Inspiration

2008-01-24T11:26:00.000-05:00

After a few days of signing up with 43things.com, I've already been cheered about 20 times by complete strangers! What a really neat community...and a cool concept.

I've been needing lots of inspiration these days to get me through this period of transition. So I bought me-self some books. Stopped by Borders and picked up two travel books as my wanderlust managed to unfailingly guide me to the travel section. I have heard so much of Gilbert's book and her spiritual journey speaks to my soul right now. While picking up Eat Pray Love, my eye caught another book one shelf lower.

Unlikely Destinations: The Lonely Planet Story is the story of Maureen & Tony Wheeler, their love for each other and their love for travel, who together created the Lonely Planet guidebooks. Reviewers describe the book as beyond a mere travelogue but a combination of autobiography, travelouge, and business entrepreneurship. This book is just what I need to remind myself that when you do what you love, the money will come.

Welcome 2008!

2008-01-23T13:22:00.000-05:00

After a long hiatus, I am back to blogging mode.

The last half of 2007 was just nuts but I'm proud to say that I planned the bulk of our 200 person wedding in just 5 months. Brides-to-be: do not believe the naysayers who say you need at least a year to plan. Bologna! Keep your eye on the big picture by remembering that all you need to get married is you, your partner, an officiant, and a witness. Everything else is icing on the cake.

Mojo & I are putting the fun back in our lives now that we are married, have our degrees, and wedding planning is far behind us (no wedding planning withdrawal for me, thanks very much). Spending time with each other in this new way is so very exciting and we look forward to exploring our beloved Big Apple, taking trips together, setting up our home, and spending time with each other.

Much soul searching has happened since the end of 2007 due to circumstances in the office and I'm happy to say that I'm continuing to evolve, face my fears, and am thrilled at my ambition to live a purposeful and exciting life! To help me, I joined www.43things.com. Check out my profile here.

Yes...I'm Still Alive

2007-07-26T00:56:00.000-04:00

Still recuperating folks. Been silent for a bit.

I haven't picked up a book yet.

My brain still hurts a little.

Planning a wedding takes time but it's a walk in the park. Thank goodness for being an event planner in my former life.

Why do brides have to become bridezillas? It's not that serious ladies!!! An entire life take over is not worth six hours of your day. Focus on the next 60 years of marriage instead. Sheesh.

Underneath the Williamsburg

How Do You Feel?

2007-05-17T23:48:00.000-04:00

There it is...the diploma. I had a couple of colleagues with PhDs check it out to make sure it was real.

Everyone at work has been asking me how I feel. Quite frankly I feel numb. Of course, I'm relieved to be done but these last few weeks have been so emotionally taxing that I have nothing left in me. Between my own process and supporting MoJo through his, I'm WIPED OUT.

If you told me that I just won several million dollars from the lottery, I'd probably just say, "OK." It doesn't help that I'm trying to shake a cold that's stuck around for almost 2 weeks. I just need to rest. My body is just tired. I think I need a vacation.

My turn today!

2007-05-15T16:59:00.001-04:00

My convocation was today, MoJo's yesterday...as you can see by the pics below.

On the subway early this morning en route to campus wearing our academic regalia. I thought we were sooo cute in our somewhat matching robes. Some people smiled and even wished us good luck. How often do you see peeps in graduation robes on the subway? LOL

After my ceremony...mom and I decided that MoJo looks like Christopher Columbus in his funny hat.

Here's my proud momma and me later at Mama Mexico. Yum!
Holy shitake!!!

I'm...err...we're DONE!!!
I can return to having some semblance of a life!

Dave Matthews Band...

Is there a Doctor in the house?

2007-05-14T23:24:00.000-04:00

Even though he's a Doctor, he still rides the subway! :0

That's right honey, hang on to that tree and keep drinking!

So proud of MoJo!!!
I especially like him in his funny hat.

Introducing for the First Time: DR. MoJo!!!!

2007-05-09T22:24:00.000-04:00

BEFORE the doctoral dissertation defense
(no smiles here, just lots o' tension)

2 1/2 hours LATER,
when his five committee members said he passed
(he's finally smiling!)

There was a lot of this going on throughout the day
after gaining his new "Dr." cred

I've never seen a man so concentrated with his drink before! :0 Too bad Dr. MoJo is much more shy than me. I would be dancing on top of a bar if I went through a doctoral dissertation defense successfully!

Congratulations honey!!!
I'm sooooo incredibly proud of you!!!

Surfing YouTube

2007-05-05T02:23:00.000-04:00

Well...since my body isn't used to going to bed until 3 or 4 am these days, I lay in bed wide awake. WTF!?! So I do what any insomniac would do who doesn't own a TV...surf YouTube! LOL.

I watched some amazing videos: Led Zepplin's Stairway to Heaven, DMB's Say Goodbye, Alanis Morisette's Hands Clean, Ani DiFranco's 32 Flavors, Stevie Nicks' Landslide, Pink's Don't Let Me Get Me, the Indigo Girls' Kid Fears. Good stuff peeps.

But THE BEST was when I stumbled on the following video!!! Holy shitake!!! I love The Ground Beneath Her Feet and it's rarely played. Very few peeps know about it (shout out to Colin from years ago who made me a tape mix and introduced me to one of the few U2 songs I didn't know). It's one of my top 3 favorite U2 songs. Bono and The Edge...sweet combo. It so obvious that these two have been together for so long...they behave and sing together with such ease. Sweeeeeet.

If you're interested in seeing the first part of the interview, you can click here. They're pretty dang funny.

So now that I'm done with my MA (hopefully)...still need approval to graduate...besides planning our wedding, maybe I can I aspire to doing this one day?? Damn that Kelly Slater, he's awesome! I can see why chickie Cameron Diaz would be hangin' out with him in Hawaii after a gruesome breakup with Justin. She was gettin' some private lessons! Shoot. I want private lessons with Kelly. Bruce Iron's go at the pipe was actually cooler to watch than Kelly's. But like any good gymnast knows Bruce, you gotta land the jump cuz that's what the judges see last. What was that side flop off the board about??? Graceful Bruce...nice. :/

Who needs a PhD when the great ocean is waiting to play with ME? Do you think I'm ready for the pipeline masters???? Ummmm....

...probably not. Dammit wave, where are you????

Thesis FINALLY Emailed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-05-04T23:03:00.000-04:00

George Michael Fre...

OMG. I can't believe it. I just emailed it to my two readers. It's late and I'm giving them precious few days to review it. I sure hope that they just pass me. Ugh.

OK, so I know it's a bit premature but I don't care. I'm celebrating. First, a happy dance. Then some wine. Then bed. I'm so exhausted that I can't see straight...but not too exhausted to shake my booty for 3 minutes!!

I've had this George Michael song runnin' through my head these last two weeks as I've tried to intellectualize Filipino balikbayans and balikbayan boxes. It's been a living hell, lemme tell you. I would NOT recommend working full-time and pursuing part-time graduate study if you can somehow help it. These last 3 weeks SUCKED!! Actually, these last 2.5 years have been pretty rough. Be prepared to say goodbye to your life.

Hopefully, in two weeks, I'll get to say hello to my life again!! YEAH! FREEEEEDOM!!!

Heroes Chapter 20: Five Yrs In the Future

2007-05-01T00:46:00.000-04:00

Oh my freakin' goodness!!! Heroes Chapter 20 was sooooo insane tonight! Ahhhh, I can't take it -- how good is this show or what!? I also don't have a life besides writing my thesis these days so an hour of escape is a good thing for my sanity.

Of course, five years down the road we get to see some character evolution. It's really interesting to see how the accumulation of people's individual choices intersect with other people's choices to create their realities; and how grief and fear can really hold people far back from achieving their true potential and discovering how truly powerful we really are.

Speaking of character development, can we talk Peter Petrelli? Hhhel-lo!?! Hhhhhot! *sizzle* Granted, the man has a huge scar across his face and he's wearing a wife beater. Maybe, it's the scar? It's definitely not the wife beater...or is it?! Eeks...am I starting to like wife beaters?! Later in the episode, during the face off...he reminded me of Neo in the Matrix.

In five years, we see his character grow from timid, whiny, and confused to confident, angry, and brooding. Future Peter reminds me a bit of Emily Bronte's Heathcliff, if you ask me. The show's writers did such a great job with his character!

Watching this episode was insane...didn't I say that earlier?!?! There were certain scenes where I FREAKED out...I was so excited at times I was deliriously clapping and giddy all over!!! I think the last time I was this giddy while watching something was during Star Wars III: The Revenge of the Siths when the audience sees the mask lowering down on the screen to complete Anakin Skywalker's transformation into Darth Vader. It was sick!!!! :)

Btw, thesis draft has still not been submitted yet. Don't freakin' ask. *hmph*

Thesis Tomorrow, Wedding Today

2007-04-28T19:08:00.000-04:00

So the first draft of my thesis is due tomorrow and I'm far from done. All nighter...here I come. So what's a gal to do at a time like this??? Go to a wedding!

How can I miss the wedding of good friend, someone I've known since junior high school? That's way back...to 1987. Here she is being given away by her dad. She wore a red qipao the whole day instead of doing the switcheroo that many Chinese brides do...it's so beautiful on her!

I'm really happy Mrs. Artist met Mr. Artist; they are just darling together. Check em out here, dancing to some real good 'ol skool music that Mr. Artist chose. We danced to Gonna Make You Sweat by C&C Music Factory, Good Vibrations by Marky Mark, Grove is in the Heart by Deee Lite, and my personal favorite, Now That We Found Love by Heavy D & the Boyz!!! I HEART early 1990s music! Yah!!! :)

Here's MoJo goofin' off as always...he's slowly morphing back to his normal self now that he handed in his thesis for review to his committee. His defense will be in early May. Cross your fingers folks...God willing, he'll be Dr. MoJo in a few weeks time! For now, he's back to eating, drinking, and being his goofy self. The man lost 15 pounds in the last 3 weeks cuz he had been so stressed out writing his thesis.

PSA for the day: If you are contemplating doing a PhD, I hope you think long and hard the reasons why you want to do it. It is a LOT of unhealthy torture to put your body and mind through. Ugh. Just watching him and some of my good friends go through this process really makes me want to run to the hills even though the thought to get one has seriously crossed my mind.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Here's a toast to Mr. & Mrs. Artist! May your life together as a married couple be full of love, understanding, respect, and laughter. Congratulations!!!

Heroes FINALLY returns! Chapter 19: .07%

2007-04-23T01:57:00.000-04:00

Listen up y'all!! The first of the final five episodes of the first season of Heroes will be aired in 7 hours. Aiaiaiaia!!! Yeah baby, bring on my heroes!

I know, I know. I don't have a TV but who needs it when you have the internet?? I accidentally learned about the show when stumbling upon the NBC website last year. By then, 7 episodes had already aired. I've watched most of the episodes online or I've gone over to MoJo's house. Needless to say, I'm totally hooked!

A kind soul on youtube took the trailer for tomorrow's and next week's episode and slowed it down so us Heroes fans can see frame by frame a little better...yah! It's amazing how much you miss in real time. Shout out to awff7 for doing this!

Happy Easter & Happy Birthday to Me!

2007-04-12T02:42:00.000-04:00

These pics were taken on my birthday...please don't mind the tired look on my face. I had an awesome 31st birthday nonetheless.

Ok, so I admit it. I'm afraid of fireworks...even little sparklers.

Pecan pie anyone?

Mom & I

Oh well, no pictures of MoJo & I though. :(

Fridays Off

2007-03-16T14:41:00.000-04:00

Taking Fridays off between now and early May to write that MA thesis that is due in time for a May 16 graduation.

Still trying to hammer out my conceptual framework when discussing Filipino American immigrants (referred to as balikbayans, Tagalog words balik=to return & bayan = home) and their persistence in sending balikbayan boxes back to the Philippines to their families.

Even though my brain often feels fried, I get great joy out of writing. I never thought in a million years I would've said that. Talk to me in May when my a** is dragging on the floor. I may being singing a different tune!

Engaged!

2007-02-03T22:07:00.000-05:00

MoJo took me to the Planetarium at the Museum of Natural History. Amidst the planets and the moons, he got down on one knee, presented me with my very own shiny star, and asked me to marry him! After five minutes of bawling my eyes out, I said YES! The poor thing, I think he got nervous when I couldn't speak for several minutes. :)

A fuzzy picture taken on my camera phone, minutes after it all happened.

The two of us after the proposal -- we are on the moon! :)

A Different Kind of Island

2007-01-17T01:22:00.001-05:00

Picture courtesy of Mojo, taken on our penultimate day in Maui

The Acupuncuturist told me yesterday that I was not being present.

The A: Girl! You, your head is still in Maui!

JoJo: I could've told you that. I miss that place. I just don't want to be here.

The A: This city is wonderful; there are lots of museums, restaurants, and plenty of culture. Take advantage of it. Do something every week. I bet you those people on Maui would give anything to have what you have and live in NYC. This is the center of the universe! (twinkle in his eye)

JoJo (laments): I know. I love NYC. This is my home, where I grew up. I need to fall in love with it again. But it's such a rat race!

The A: You know, Manhattan is an island. (smiles) Bring some of that aloha back here.

JoJo: Yeah. (pause) With millions of crazy people living on it!!!!!!! Grrr...

Went back to work today. It's definitely the most direct way to get over the lingering jet lag that I'm still trying to hang on to. I'm spoiled, I know. I've been off for three weeks and had 5 days since returning to the mainland to readjust.

Isn't it funny how even if we've got it good, we are still never happy? Jeez. Need to reflect more on that ever elusive state of happiness. I know it doesn't have to be elusive. We humans just choose to make it that way. I need to also keep working on being present. I don't know what it is. Everyone feels a bit depressed after returning from a great trip. I just feel like I got the wind knocked out of me in a way that I've never felt from other trips I've taken in the past.

To Those Who Fight For Social Justice

2007-01-15T16:50:00.000-05:00

Dr. King and the life he chose to live reminds me of the choice we make to heed the call to serve and to fight on behalf of those who are disenfranchised, those who lack a voice. Thank you Dr. King for teaching us to be resolute in the face of uncertainty and to be fearless in the face of death.

Let us also remember other less popularly well-known leaders who fought in the Civil Rights Movement such as Ella Baker and Robert Moses (and many more) plus the countless unidentified men and women who fought and whose lives were lost in the quest for equality for all.

To inspiring leaders like Daw Aung Sun Suu Kyi, Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Benigno Aquino, Jr., Nelson Mandela (to name just a few): THANK YOU. We will never forget your contribution to humanity and to making this world a more peaceful and just place.

Maui III: Piko

2007-01-13T18:31:00.001-05:00

The Navel, The Center

I was drawn to this necklace when I first saw it on the road to Hana.
Carved out of cow bone, the artist explained that this symbol is the piko.
The navel connects us to the source of life; it is the center.

It reminds me of my spirituality.
I have learned to trust my gut, to trust myself.
I am beginning to feel the connection between my mind & body & spirit.
I am still patiently learning how to be unafraid of my emotions.

Maui II: Mojo

2007-01-12T16:01:00.000-05:00

All the pictures on my camera are of Mojo. He was so happy in Maui, discovering new types of flora, walking over and around lava formations, and trying all sorts of tropical fruits like papaya, chico, calamansi that are familiar to Filipinos.

Here's a beast of an avocado that we got from a tree that grows in the backyard of my aunt's mother's house. It was big, creamy, and so sweet. It's nothing like I've ever seen and tasted here on the mainland. The guacamole we could make with this avocado would be out of this world! The papayas we ate grew in the backyard of my uncle's house. We would pick the ripe ones and eat them. They were the sweetest papayas I've ever tasted...not the ones that taste awful. I liken them to tasting like armpits.

Mojo already looks relaxed on our first day on the island. We couldn't believe this was the beach by the airport! We could hear and see the airplanes as they took off.

He did get a little stressed at the luau, when he thought he had to dance a hula on stage in front of the entire audience. He prepared himself by drinking two mai tai's at a time.

Mojo and his shakas in front of a cresting wave about to crash on the shore in Nahiku along the Hana Highway. And below, our curiosity led us into a lava tube. Doesn't he fit right in and look like a geologist? He just needs a headlamp and a pick and he's all set.
We'll have to wait till he downloads his photos since his has lots of pictures of me. What a team!